About the time I turned 16, my folks began to wonder why I didn't stay home any more. I always had an excuse for them, but what I didn't say that  I had found my freedom and I was getting out.

   I went through four years of high school in semirural Alabama and became active in clubs and sports; I made a lot of  friends and became a regular guy,if you know what I mean. But one thing was irregular about me: I managed those fouryears without ever a friend visit at my house.
   I was ashamed of where I lived, I had been ashamed for as long as I had been conscious of class.
   We had a big family. There were several of us sleeping in one room, But that's not so bad if you get along, and we always did. As you get older, though, it gets worse.
   Being poor is a humiliating experience for a young person trying hard to be accepted. Even now-several yearsremoved-it is hard to talk about. And I resent the weakness of these words to make you feel waht it was really like.
   We lived in a lot of old houses. We moved a lot because we were always looking for something jst a little better than what we had. You have to understand that my folks worked harder than most people. My mother was always at home, but for her that was a full-time job-not for fun, either.But my father worked his head off from the time I can remember in construction and shops. It was hard, physical work.
   I have seen my Daddy wrap copper wire through the soles of his boots to keep them together in the wintertime. He couldn't buy new boots because had used the money for food and shoes for us We lived like hell, but we went to school well-clothed and with a full stomach.
   It really is hell to live in a house that was in bad shape 10 years before you moved in. And a big family puts a lot of wear and tear on a new house, too, so you can imagine how one goes downhill if it ia teetering when you move in. But we lived in houses that were sweltering in summer and freezing in winter. I woke up every morning for a year and a half with plaster on my face where it had fallen out of the ceiling during the night.
   This wasn't during the Depression; this was in the late 60's and early 70's.
   When we boys got old enough to learn trades in school,we would try to fix up the old houses we lived in. But have you ever tried to paint a wall that crumbled when emphasized the holes in the wall. You end up more frustrated than when you began, especailly when you know that at best you might come up with only enough money to improve one of the six rooms in the house. And we might move out soon after, anyway.
   The same goes for keeping a house like that clean. If you have a house full of kids and the house is deteriorating , you'll never keep it clean. Daddy used to yell at Mama about that, but she couldn't do anything. I think Daddy knew it inside, but he had to have an outlet for his rage somewhere, and at least yelling isn't as bad as hitting, which they never did to each other.
   But you have a kitchen which has no counter space and no hot water and you will have dirty dishes stacked up. That sounds like an excuse, but  try it. You'll go mad from the sheer sense of futility. It's the same thing in a house with no closets. You can't keep  clothes clean and rooms in order if they have to be stacked up with things.

   Living in a bad house is generally worse on girls. For one thing, they traditionally help thier mother with  the housework. We boys could get outside and work in the field or cut wood or even play ball and forget about living conditions. The sky was still pretty.
   But the girls got pressure, adn as they got older it became worse. Would they accept dates knowing they had to "receive" the young man in a dirty hallway with broken windows, peeling wallpapers and a cracked ceiling? You have to live ti to understand it, but it creates a shame which drvies the soul of a young person inward.
   I'm thankful none of us ever blamed our parents for this, because it would have crippled our relationships. As it worked out, only the relationship between our parents was damaged, And I think the harshness which they expressed to each other was just on outlet to get rid of their anger at the trap their lives were in. It ruined their marriage because they had no one to yell at but each other. I knew other families where the kids got the abuse, but we were too much loved for that.
   Once I was about 16 and Mama and addy had had a particularly violent argument about the washing machine, which has broken down. Daddy was on the back porch-that's where the only water faucey was-trying to fix it and Mama had a washtub out there washing school clothes for the next day and they were screaming at each other.
   Later that night everyone was in bed and I heard Daddy get up from the couch where he was reading. I looked out form my bed across the hall into their roo. He was standing right over Mama and she was already asleep. He pulled the blanket up and tuched it around her shoulders  and just stood there and tears were dropping off his cheeks and I thought I could faintly hear them splashing against the linoleum rug.
   Now they're divorced.
   I had courses in collge where housing was discussed, but the sociologiists never put enough emphasis on the impact living in substandard housing has on a person's psyche. Especailly children's.
   Small children have a hard time understanding poverty. They want the same things children from more affluent familiies have. They want the same things they see adversied on television, and they don't understand why they can't have them.
   Other children can be incredibly cruel. I was in elementary school in Georgia-adn this is interesting because it isi the only thing I remember about that particular school-when I was about eight or nine.
   After Christmas vacation had ended, my teacher made each student describle all his or her Christmas presents. I became more and more uncomfortable as the privilege passed around the room toward me. Other children were reciting the names of bicycles and the grandeur of their games and toys. Some had lists which seemed to go on and on for hours.
  It took me only a few sounds to tell the class that I had gotten for Christmas a helt and a pair of gloves. And then I was laughed at-because I cried -by a roomful of children and a teacher. I necer forgave them, and that night I made my mother cry when I told her about it.
  In retrospect, I am grateful for that moment, but I remember wanting to die at the time.
                                                 By Randall Williams