Uncle Ben: In life, it's important to distinguish between need and want. You think you want something because you've been conditioned to want it.

Little boy: I want the Pump!

Uncle Ben: I don't got the Pump. Look, oh, I got the Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.

Little boy:  I want the Pump!

Uncle Ben: Listen, you insolent little snot, there are kids right now in Asia who are sewing your stupid shoes together, so that their family can have a bowl of rice to eat tonight!

Schrader: This is the worst idea of all time.

Bartleby: Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius. He'll be fine.

BOY: Mom!

WOMAN: What did you do?

Uncle Ben: You're the one who emotionally crippled the kid. You know what? Maybe he's retarded. I'm glad my mother's dead.

Bartleby: He's just having a bad day.

Schrader:  Oh, my gosh.

Uncle Ben: You want me to be the dean of your college?

Bartleby: No, I want you to pretend to be the dean. It's just for one day.

Uncle Ben: Uh, perhaps young Sherman didn't share this with you. I've retired, I'm no longer a shaper of young minds.

Bartleby: Oh, really?

Schrader:  Yeah, well, technically, he was fired.

Uncle Ben: That's not true. I got fed up with the education racket. So I quit. I did send in my resignation in a rather unorthodox fashion.

Schrader: You sent the dean of the university a bag of dog shit.

Uncle Ben: It was a metaphor.

Schrader:  For what?

Uncle Ben: For "You're full of shit!"

Schrader: Oh. That's not a metaphor.

Bartleby: That's a metaphor.

Uncle Ben: Oh, semantics, schmantics.

Uncle Ben: Three years from now, I'm finished with this crap. I'm goin' to Papua New Guinea. I'm outta here.

Bartleby:  Wh-Where... Where you going?

Uncle Ben: I'm going off the grid. No more, uh, franchises, no more Botox, no more "Eh, oh, let's clone another goat." And certainly no more sexual harassment suits. What's wrong with saying, "Hey! Nice tits." When did that go out the window?

Bartleby: Okay, Ben, all I'm asking you is just shake a couple hands with some parents, say, "Hi, I'm the dean," whatever. What if we pay you?

Uncle Ben: Don't sully my dignity with your cash.

Woman: There you are! Did you make another child cry?

Uncle Ben: It's not my fault the kid's a crybaby! Little dipshit.

Boy: You're an asshole!

Mom: You're an asshole.

Woman:  You are an asshole.  And you're fired.

Uncle Ben: Perhaps it is time to move on. But I get to bring my house.

Bartleby: Deal.

Uncle Ben: Right or left?

Glen: Right.

Uncle Ben: Whose right?

Glen: Your call.

Uncle Ben: You're an idiot!

Glen: You're upset. Go with what you feel. You got about 12 feet. Perfect.

Uncle Ben:  Asshole.

Rory: Okay, smiles, everyone. First day at college.

Hands: What's up with these colors?

Rory: Shit brown? Really? Glen picked 'em.

Hands: Of course he did. Where'd you find all these people?

Rory: Uh, I volunteer at an English-as-a-second-language program. These are my students. I told them if they wanted to pass, they'd have to successfully assimilate into the American college environment.

Glen: Whoa! The parents are here!

Rory: Okay! We're on, guys! Okay, people, it's showtime!

Diane : Wow.

Bartleby: No frills around here.

Diane : Oh, none at all.

Bartleby: None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles, or mahogany, it's the real deal. The real deal, huh?

Jack : This is it, kid. This is it. The big moment. Take this in.

Bartleby: Ah. It's exciting, it's scary. It's really scary.

Diane : Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.

Bartleby: Okay.

Lizzie : What's going on here?

Bartleby:  Okay, we lost one of the campers. Curious campers. What are you doing? Don't do that. Don't do that.

Diane : Honey.

Bartleby:  Take it easy. Okay, here we are. Let's...

Jack : What the devil is that?

Bartleby:  Oh. That's just a surge of collegiate energy. It's college for you. Take a left up here for the dorm room, Dad.

Diane : Oh, uh, can you hang on a second? I just really gotta go to the bathroom a minute, you know.

Bartleby: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Diane : I just wanna...

Bartleby: No, no, no, no, no! Uh, it's, that's, it's the men's room. You can't go in there.

Diane : Well, can't you just stand outside...

Jack : Diane, can't you wait till we get to the restaurant?

Bartleby:  Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed. I'll see you in math class.You owe me 30 bucks, by the way.You jokester.Here we are. You remember Hands.

Hands: Hey, Mrs. Gaines.

Diane : Hey, hi.  The fam.

Hands: You look great.

Diane : Well, thank you.

Bartleby: When I first saw it, I was like, I gotta live here? I can't believe this. But it's a dorm room.

Hands:  Mr. Gaines.

Jack : Daryl, how are you, partner?

Hands: Oh, thunder grip.

Lizzie : Why are there bars on the window?

Bartleby: Oh, that's so nobody accidentally gets thrown out. It's fine.

Jack :  It's a good learning environment. Not a lot of extras. You'll study harder.

Bartleby: Yes. We will, because of the blue and the sparse walls. I agree with you, sir.

Lizzie : What are these?

Bartleby: That's in case of an earthquake. Uh, never mind that. Hey, let's go meet the dean.

Jack :   Huh? The dean.

Diane : Come here, honey.

Bartleby: Come on.

Diane :  Which way?

Bartleby: Take a right there, Mom.

Jack : It's gonna be fun.

Uncle Ben: You know, a lot of people say that college is the time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world, when they open their minds to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey from the innocence of youth to the responsibilities of adulthood. Now isn't that a load of horseshit?

Bartleby: W-What?

Jack : Could you explain that to us a little more?

Bartleby: Uh, Dean Lewis, why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at South Harmon?

Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids, in order to attract them to going to school, in the belief that they're gonna have a better life. And we all know that all we're doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers. Buyers and sellers! Pimps and whores. Pimps and whores! And indoctrinating them into a life-long hell of debt and indecision.

Jack : I...

Diane :  Um...

Jack : l... I just don't understand.

Uncle Ben: Do I have to spoon-feed it to you? Look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school.

Bartleby: Holy shit.

Jack : Which is?

Uncle Ben: To get a good job. To get a good job, with a great starting salary.

Jack : I couldn't agree more.

Diane : It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally.

Uncle Ben: Fuckin' A!

Bartleby: Well, Dad.

Diane :  Ow.

Bartleby: Oh, Mom.

Jack : You make us proud, kiddo.

Bartleby: I'll try, Dad. Don't worry about anything, okay?

Diane : Bye, honey.

Jack : Seat belts.

Diane : Spread your wings.

Bartleby: I'm gonna fly. You gotta let me fly. Bye, Lizzie.

Diane : Bye!

Bartleby: Bye!

Glen: So what do we do now?

Bartleby: Well, my friend, we're in college now. We can do whatever we want.

Hands: Gotta hand it to you, B. Kids everywhere are busting their ass in the classroom, and we're killing aliens, dude. This is way better than learning. 

Bartleby:  We are learning here, pal. We're learning the dire cost to civilization when diplomacy fails. We're learning political science right now.

Glen: What the...

Bartleby: What the hell is that? Who is it?

A.D.D. :Abernathy Darwin Dunlap, sir. Hi, there! What's your name? My name's Abernathy Darwin Dunlap. But you could call me A.D.D., on account of the fact that I have A.D.D., which is Attention Deficit Disorder and you know, everyone used to think it was just an addiction to sugar when I was six, and my mom used to cry because she thought I would never be like a fully functioning member of society, like my neighbor who has Legionnaire's Disease.

Bartleby: Oh... This is no longer a mental health facility. I'm so sorry we can't help you. Good luck to you, pal.

A.D.D. : I don't need a hospital!

Bartleby: Okay, okay, wh-wh-what are you doing here, then?

A.D.D. : Well, unless I misread the website, I'm here for orientation!

Bartleby: Oh, you scared me for a second. In more ways than one. Uh, you're looking for Harmon College, it's just right on up the hill. But good luck, have fun. Go, Harmon.

A.D.D. : No! I'm looking for South Harmon Institute of Technology because, well, it's the only place I got accepted  and I'm looking to pursue my degree in English or law or animal husbandry or anything really!

Bartleby: Did you just say you got accepted here?

A.D.D. : Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, we all did.

Bartleby: What?

A.D.D.: Thank you so much!

Glen: Holy balls.

Bartleby: I'm sorry.

BOY: Move, fool.

Glen: Oh, look, there's my old girlfriend, Sara Pelfan. You broke my heart!

Bartleby:  Please.

Bartleby: Oh, uh, sorry, sorry. No parents allowed past this point. It's part of our philosophy here at South Harmon. We need to mold your kids into individuals, and the first step is to sever the ties of the parent-child relationship.

Man: Take him.

Woman: We're just glad Larry got in someplace.

Man: He's your problem now.

Woman:  Bye, hon. No biting!

Bartleby: Hey, Larry. Okay, good talk. Go on in there. You're gonna fit right in, Larry.

Hands: Unfortunately. What are we gonna do? This is supposed to be a secret.

Bartleby:  Yeah, well, I guess the secret's out. You go check the P.O. Box, I'm gonna go find Schrader, okay?

Bartleby:  Hey, pledge guy, welcome to B.K.E. House. Can I take your blazer for you? Get in there, your future is right in there. Thank you. All right.

Bartleby: Oh, shit.

Monica:  Oh, my gosh.  I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Monica:  Bartleby. Hey, how are you? Hey, how you doing? Good. I'm so sorry about your jacket.

Bartleby: Dude, don't worry about it. It's... It's not even my jacket.

Monica:  Perfect. So, what are you doing here?

Bartleby: I'm, I'm looking for Schrader, actually. Have you seen him?

Bartleby:  Uh, no, I haven't.

Schrader: Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader. I'll catch up with you. Hey. I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay. This is fun. I'm just gonna hang back while you guys shoot around and stuff, you know. Oh, shit. I got it. Oh. That's a... It's a G chord. I used to play in a Cranberries tribute band. Uh, we disbanded.

Hoyt : Hey, you're Sherman Schrader.

Schrader: Yeah.

Hoyt : Hoyt Ambrose.

Schrader:  Yes, right. I know.

Hoyt : Yes.

Schrader: You are the president of this whole fraternity.

Hoyt : That's right.

Schrader: Right. You date Monica Moreland.

Hoyt : That I do.

Schrader: Right. I think about her when I masturbate.

Hoyt : What?

Schrader: What? I didn't mean to say that.

Hoyt : Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged alongside my father back in the day. Oh, so you're the legacy.

Schrader: That's right. Legacy! You need... You probably need this to play, actually. Was it here? Uh, was it there? Was it...