ROSS: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing?

RACHEL: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you.

CHANDLER: We used them as pillows when we went camping.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: (shyly) The sheep.

ROSS: Hey, what you do on your own time...

JOEY: (entering) Where's my underwear?!

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?

CHANDLER: He took my essence!

ROSS: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?

JOEY: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.

ROSS: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?

JOEY: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

CHANDLER: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.

JOEY: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.

CHANDLER: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?

JOEY: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)

CHANDLER: He's got nothing!

PHOEBE: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain) Okay, I'm ready.

ROSS and CHANDLER: Oh, aaaah!

PHOEBE: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'

CHANDLER: What are you supporting?

PHOEBE: Duh!! Christmas!

ROSS: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!

RACHEL: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?

ROSS: Just, just, just pick one!

PHOEBE: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?

RACHEL: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?

ROSS: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.

RACHEL: But I...

ROSS: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go.

RACHEL: All right.

ROSS: Thank you!

MONICA: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.

ROSS: It was, it was her voice.

CHANDLER: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.

MICHELLE: Hola! Hello. Hello?

MONICA: Okay. That was her right?

PHOEBE: Definitely.

MONICA: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.

ROSS: Yay!

(phone rings)

PHOEBE: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that.

MONICA: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. (listens) Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that....

CHANDLER: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

MONICA: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.

ROSS: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

MONICA: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)

CHANDLER: They got a phone in there, right?

PHOEBE: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.

(Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt)

ROSS: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.

RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo.

ROSS: You're not going to go.

RACHEL: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

ROSS: How, how, um how can you not be going?

RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going.

ROSS: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...

RACHEL: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.

ROSS: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.

RACHEL: It's fine.

ROSS: No, but, your-your mad.

RACHEL: I'm not mad.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: I'm just not going.

ROSS: Your not going.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.

RACHEL: Um, hum.

ROSS: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.'

RACHEL: No.

ROSS: No, because your not upset.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: About the yelling.

RACHEL: Right, and the humiliating.

ROSS: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.

RACHEL: Um, hum.

ROSS: We're good.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: Okay. Honey?

RACHEL: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him)

ROSS: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns away.)

PHOEBE: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that! No! (she comes into the living room carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed.

CHANDLER: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)

JOEY: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

CHANDLER: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!

JOEY: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...

CHANDLER: Oooo-ooh!

JOEY: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)

ROSS: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party!

CHANDLER: Jeez, what a baby.

JOEY: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.

ROSS: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.

JOEY: You could drink the fat.

ROSS: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.

RACHEL: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think you should drink the fat.

JOEY: Yaaaay!

ROSS: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do.

PHOEBE: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out.

ROSS: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking)

RACHEL: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!

ROSS: You will?!

RACHEL: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?

ROSS: Well, yeah.

RACHEL: You were gonna drink the fat.

JOEY: Let's see what else he'll do!

ROSS: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! (to Chandler) You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica!

(Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking)

CHANDLER: Stop it. Stop it!

(Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)

PHOEBE: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no!

RICHARD: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard.

MACHINE: You have three new messages.

MONICA: Not any more!

MACHINE: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone.

MONICA: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye.



MACHINE: Your outgoing message has now been changed.

MONICA: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!

MONICA: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!

PHOEBE: How did you do that?

MONICA: I don't know!

MACHINE: Good-bye.

MONICA: Noooo!!!!

ROSS: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!

MONICA: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number.

PHOEBE: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

ROSS: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you look, wow!

RACHEL: And I still have about five seconds to spare. (kisses him) Okay, that was about seven seconds.

ROSS: So we're a little late.

RACHEL: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh, by the way....

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'm going commando, too.

ROSS: Awwww!!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: At the banquet]

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.

ROSS: Wow! What a pleasure.

WHITFIELD: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.

CHANDLER: Excuse me. Hi.

WHITFIELD: Yes?

CHANDLER: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.

WHITFIELD: What do you mean, your seat?

CHANDLER: I mean, I was sitting there.

WHITFIELD: But, you got up!

CHANDLER: But, I never left the room!

WHITFIELD: But, you left the chair area.

CHANDLER: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.


END