(放在草稿箱里许多天竟然忘了发了）

每天晚饭后的散步总是一件开心的事，对于宝宝来说，这个时候爸爸妈妈都和在她在一起，陪她聊天，走路，看各种小狗跑来跑去，听湖里青蛙叫，找一找经常栖身于某个角落的猫咪是否还在那里？步行很远去喝一瓶酸奶，又或是大家一起躺在长长的椅子上一起数星星，看月亮宝宝有没有出来，一起仰着头看天上偶尔过去的一架飞机，总之可以做许许多多让她开心的事情。

但今天有点例外，爸爸妈妈因为急于讨论一些工作上的事情一路上都没有和她说太多的话，甚至对她的许多提问只是轻描淡写的“嗯”了一下，因为我知道她的问题大多是诸如“妈妈，我看见一只虫子了”或是“我们不要走这边，我们去那边”之类，宝宝在边上插不上话，急的不停的叫“妈妈，妈妈！”

走到花园中心的大躺椅上，我们坐下来，因为心里有事，大家都有点心不在蔫，宝贝自己在一边自说自话我们也答非所问，她自己玩了一会儿，我们又开始讨论刚才的话题，这时宝宝几次要和我说话我都没耐心听她说什么就打断了，我说：“妈妈想和爸爸说会儿话，你自己玩一下”她很不高兴“妈妈不要和爸爸说话”又咕哝着说了些什么我也没听清，最后拉着我的走要我站起来陪她去滑梯那里玩，我让她自己去她死活不干，我几次被她打断我的话，都有点想不起来要说什么了，开始有点不耐烦了说话的声音一下子有点大，把她吓的不敢作声了，趴在椅子上不理我们了。爸爸也看出问题来了“孩子一天都没怎么和你在一起想和你玩，要你陪她说话，看把她郁闷的，爸爸抱吧”宝宝噘着小嘴“不要，要妈妈抱”我一下子有点心里有些难过，把她抱起来，轻轻抚摸她的背，宝宝乖乖的趴在我身上。我觉的刚才有点过份，可是一下子又不知道怎么做才能让宝贝开心起来。

“妈妈带你去买好吃的吧”我说。

“不要”

“那我们去玩滑梯吧”

“不去”

“你刚才不是要妈妈和你一起去嘛”

宝宝不说话。

“那妈妈带你去坐摇摇车吧”

“不好”宝宝把头埋在我肩上

“那要做什么呢”

老公说“别折腾了，你闺女就要你陪着她就行了”果然我们又坐了一会儿，陪着宝贝胡乱瞎扯一通，她高兴了，从我身上下来，在一边跑来跑去的玩。

后来我们又看着她玩滑梯，一起喝酸奶，然后一起步行回家。

回家后萱爸悄悄说我：“你呀，总是急着贿赂宝宝，其实她不过是觉的我们说话冷落了她有点不高兴，我们陪着她玩就可以了。”也是呢，我经常犯这种错误，总是在不小心冷落她以后又急着讨好她，其实孩子就是想要我专心的陪着她，而不是其他。

无独有偶，刚才在网上逛，看到下面一篇文章，写的非常好，简单的译出来。

文章中说到，爱,是不会宠坏孩子的，孩子需要爱就象需要食物和水一样，可是问题是如何定义这个“爱”字。

父母总是想着要把成堆的玩具放在孩子面前，或是让孩子们参加他们喜欢的活动，以为这就是对孩子的爱。可是这样纵容孩子的结果是什么，实际上，用物质来“宠爱”孩子会带来很多负面的影响。

首先，这样的方式会使孩子沉溺于其中。很多成年人习惯于用消费和或其他活动来派遣内心的空虚。当他们承受某些压力的时候，他们从来都不是去分析压力来自何方，而是用诸如购物，看电视，暴饮暴食，酗酒等这些活动来放纵自己的情绪，从这个角度说他们并不关心自己的内心。而当我们也用这种方式对待孩子，将玩具堆放在他们面前，让他们大量的参加各种活动，不停的看电视，我们实际并不是爱他们，而是教会他们让自己沉溺于物质中。

而且父母总是简单的提供物质和让孩子们去参加活动，这样容易忽略了孩子们的真实需要。特别是当父母只是简单的提供物质和让孩子参加活动，而自己却不参与其中，容易使孩子忽略了他们自己真实的需要。当你总是忽视孩子并忽略你自己的需要的时候，孩子渐渐学会不考虑他人的感受而变的贪的无厌。如果你从不指望你的孩子能设身处地的考虑你的感受，那你也别指望他们会为别人考虑。他们将学会用你对待你自己的方式来对待你。孩子将不再理会你的感受，因为你自己从不尊重你自己，也使你的孩子从不尊重别人。

我们这个社会最大的问题在于孩子总是把自己的自我价值等同他人对其长相的认可，对其拥有的玩具数量的认可，对其所穿着的服饰是否昂贵的认可。除非父母告诉自己的孩子他们爱孩子们内在的品质诸如爱心，同情心，创造力，对生活的热情，甚至欢乐的笑声所有这些都胜过于他们的长相，拥有的财产，成绩，否则孩子们就会把自己的自我价值等同于他人的认可。真实的自我价值来源于内心，来自我们懂得并尊重自己是个什么样的人，而不是自己的长相或是做什么工作。然后，不幸的是现在这种物质社会的养育方式使每个人的自身价值及可爱与否与等同于他人对你所拥有的物质比如车子、房子、服饰的认可。我们的养育方式依赖于他人对我们所认为的价值观的认可，我们就这样用物质生活宠坏了孩子。

物质方面的满足容易宠坏孩子，可是，爱，永远也不会宠坏孩子。爱，是一种能量，使我们接受孩子本来的样子。爱是理解，同情和关心。你爱你的孩子，当你花时间仅仅是为了和他们一起，和他们腻在一起，全身心投入的陪着他们，认真的倾听他们。你能给予孩子们最好的礼物就是爱他们本来的样子，这就是爱，不是任何物质条件所能取代的。

当假期来临，你或许想测试一下你对孩子的期望值及价值观。全家人可以一起去给有需要的家庭成员购买衣物食品及其他，这样一来就不必把所有的钱都花在给孩子们买礼物上了。当感恩节，圣诞节，或是光明节这些节日来临，除了大吃一顿和彼此分享礼物以外，也许有机会可以想象一下你所能给予孩子的真正的礼物。与其用丰盛的物质生活宠坏了孩子，为什么不给予孩子们更多的机会去关爱他人来增加自我价值呢。

Learn how children become spoiled, and the consequences of spoiling a child.

by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Published, October 31, 2003

None of us want “spoiled” kids - kids who are bratty, self-centered, demanding, inconsiderate. So, what spoils children and what doesn’t?

When I was raising my children, I was often told that I would spoil them if I didn’t let them cry - if I held them a lot. Fortunately, I didn’t believe this nonsense.

You can’t spoil a child with love. Children need love as much as they need food and water. The problem is in defining “love.”

We are not giving love to our children when we give them everything they want on the material level. Parents often think they are loving their children when they pile them up with all the toys or activities they desire, but what is the actual result of indulging our children in this way?

There are three big negative consequence of “spoiling” our children on the material level:

1. It fosters addictive behavior - filling up from the outside with things and activities rather than filling up from the inside through caring and creativity. Too many adults are addicted to spending or other activities to fill up their emptiness. If they are stressed, instead of dealing with the source of their stress - which is generally some way they are not taking care of themselves - they cover their feelings with some addictive behavior such as spending, TV, food, alcohol, and so on. When we offer our children too many toys, too many activities, too much comfort food, or allow too much TV, we are not loving them. We are training them to be addicted.

2. Often parents provide things and activities for their children while denying their own needs. It’s not loving to children to give in to their every demand, especially if it means putting yourself aside. When you constantly give in to your children and deny your own needs, children learn that it’s okay to disregard others needs and be demanding brats. Children may not learn to consider others if you do not expect them to consider you by considering yourself. They will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself, so it is not loving to your children to disregard yourself. When you disrespect yourself, you teach your children to be disrespectful.

3. One of the big issues in our society is that children learn to identify their self-worth with others’ approval for how they look, how many toys they have, how expensive their clothes are. Unless parents show their children that they value them for their inner qualities - their caring, creativity, compassion, laughter, joy, passion for life - rather than for their looks, possessions and performance, children learn to attach their self-worth to other’s approval. True self-worth comes from inside, from knowing we are valuable for who we are, not for how we look or what we do. Unfortunately, our materialistic society fosters attaching self-worth and lovability to others’ approval for things such as a car or a house or clothes. When we “spoil” our children with material possessions, we foster co-dependency, which is dependency on others’ approval for our sense of worth.

We can spoil our children with material things, but we can’t spoil them with love. Love is the energy of acceptance for who the child really is. Love is understanding, compassion, caring. You are loving your children when you spend time just being with them, hanging out with them, being fully present with them, really listening to them. The greatest gift you can give to your children is to value them for who they really are on the inside. This is love, and nothing material can ever replace it.

As we move into the holidays, you might want to examine the values and expectations you are imparting to your children. Perhaps instead of all the money being spent on presents for your children, the whole family could participate in buying clothing and food for those who are in need. Imagine the real gift you could give your children if Thanksgiving, Christmas and Chanukah were times of true service in addition to feasting and sharing gifts with each other. Rather than “spoiling” our children by giving them too much, why not enhance their self-worth by providing them opportunities to be giving, caring human beings?

Copyright © 2003, Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?”, “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?”, “Healing Your Aloneness”,”Inner Bonding”, and “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?” Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/ or margaret@innerbonding.com.