我的青春，都浪费在青春上了！

I Wasted My Youth on Being Young!

给亲爱的波兰

To My Dear Poland,

夏天的上海，我刚刚从藏区回来。此时听着FM3的音乐，看着《糖》的第一章节，竟然立刻就感动得有了眼泪。写《糖》之前的岁月，我曾用尽所有的方法让自己从身体到精神统统崩溃。其实我真实的青春远比小说要沉重和黑暗很多，我是有九条命的人。

It's summer in Shanghai, and I've just returned from Tibet. I was listening to FM3 and reading the first chapter of Candy, and suddenly felt so moved that tears came to my eyes. In the years before I wrote Candy, I did my best to drive myself to collapse, both physically and mentally. My youth was actually far bleaker and darker than what is written in the book; I've got nine lives. 

在《糖》这本书中，那些甜蜜的片断都是虚构的，那些黑色的时刻都是真实的。

The sweet passages of Candy are all fabricated; its dark moments are all real.

如果说《糖》有积极意义的话，那就是这个女孩是那么得需要写作，她是那么得希望得到拯救，她是那么得想寻找到生命的意义。这是让我骄傲的地方。但是那些故事，太痛苦！我的青春，都浪费在青春上了。

If there's anything positive in Candy, it's this girl's need to write, her hope for salvation, her search for meaning in life. I'm proud of this. But the stories are so harrowing! I wasted all my youth on being young.

我曾经是个只写短篇小说的作家。当时没有人愿意为一个像我这样的新作家出短篇小说集，所以我就把我十几个短篇小说合在了一起成为了《糖》。

I was once a writer who only wrote short stories. Back then, no one wanted to publish a collection of short stories from a new writer like me, so I put ten or so short stories together and called them Candy.

这本书的第一次出版是在七年以前。现在，我那些爱过的男人们，都剪去了长发，但目光依然羞涩。他们依然无法告诉我从天堂到地狱的感觉。

 This book was first published seven years ago. The men I once loved have all cut their hair short now, but their eyes are still shy. They're still powerless to tell me how it feels to go from heaven to hell.

非常感谢大苹果经纪公司和我的波兰出版社，我非常感动《糖》可以在我所热爱的波兰出版。虽然隔了那么多年，我的生活改变了很多很多，但它在波兰的出版依然可以成为一种方法，来感觉我们的爱像天空中的神。

I'm extremely grateful to the Big Apple agency and to my Polish publishers, and very moved that Candy will be published in my much-loved Poland. Though many years have passed and my life has changed so much, the book's publication in Poland still allows us to feel that our love is like a spirit in the sky.

我所有的特殊时刻都是雨天。那个叫赛宁的“孩子般无助、诚实而又不幸的年轻人”依然没有出现，我曾经以为我拼命地写拼命地想他就一定会出现。我知道很多人爱我并不是爱我，而是爱着我写的男人们，我因此而曾经无法停止虚构，我因此而曾经活在虚构里，虚构可以化腐朽为神奇，我曾经因此而相信自己是幸运的。

 All my special moments have happened on rainy days. The young Sai Ning, "helpless as a child, honest and unfortunate", has yet to come to me, though I once believed that if I wrote and thought as hard as I could, he'd be sure to appear. Many people who love me don't actually love me, they love the men I've written about. This once drove me to writing endless fiction, to live within fiction. Fiction can turn degradation into something fabulous – this once made me believe I was lucky.

他曾经一直活在我的心里。我们拥抱。从他的第一次出现到他的每一次出现，都让我想和他拥抱。我们随时都会拥抱。仿佛全世界的人都躲了起来，所有的娱乐都不新鲜，我们两个坐在黑暗里没有声音。仿佛他可以看见我的所有，仿佛我可以看到他美丽而致命的飞翔。好像只要我们抱在一起，就算失去了全世界，我们起码还彼此拥有对方。

He used to live within my heart. We were clasped together. The first time he appeared and every time after that, I have wanted to embrace him. We embrace often. It's as if all the world's people had vanished, all entertainment had gone stale, and we were sitting alone and silent in the darkness. As if he could see me in my entirety, and I could see him hovering there, beautiful and fatal. If only we could stay clasped together, we would still have each other, even if the whole world were lost.

我一直以为自己可以是完美的，我一直都知道自己所有的不完美的地方。我所有的痛苦就是要跟自己的不完美较劲，一旦开始，我将无法停止。我一直都知道自己命中注定无法得到爱情，但我却一直相信爱情。命运赐与了我虚构的权利和才华，而写作给我带来了爱，并毁坏了我的生活：因为我不是完美的。

I always thought that I could be perfect, and I've always been aware of each and every one of my imperfections. All my pain comes from struggling with my imperfection – once I start, I can't stop. I've always known that I was fated to never find love, but I've always believed in love. Fate also gave me the right and the talent to write fiction, and writing has brought me love, as well as ruining my life: because I am not perfect.

七年以后的现在，我依然生活在上海，我依然单身，但我有了一个无与伦比的女儿，并且非常幸运地成为一名佛教徒。我因此终于有机会可以学习爱与智慧，并且可以对光明与完美保持期待。而青春的舞步，如梦幻，如露水，如电！

Now, seven years later, I'm still living in Shanghai, still single, but I have an incomparable daughter, and the extraordinary good fortune to have become a buddhist. This has finally given me the chance to learn about love and wisdom, and to preserve my hopes for illumination and perfection. The dance-steps of youth are like dreams, like dew, like electricity!

最后，我亲爱的波兰读者，谢谢你看我的书，无论你在哪里，无论你在干什么，希望你有美好的一天！

Lastly, my dear Polish readers, thank you for reading my book. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you have a beautiful day!

我献给你们夏天的爱与祈祷！

I send you summer love and prayers!

棉棉  1，8，2007，上海