俺是我们家的老小。所以，在我小时候，有很长一段时间，我的两个姐姐都叫我“孩儿”。

 

我一直忘不了这个称呼。每次想起来，我的心里都软软的，眼里酸酸的。

 

我的大姐小学毕业便在家务农。农家的老大往往照顾弟妹，还要干很多农活。我大姐也不例外。当时父母没有别的帮手，大姐便辍学了。帮父母干活的同时，自己也努力掌握了一些谋生的技能。但农村的女孩子如果没有好的教育，往往生活都很相似，结婚，生子，为生活艰辛的奔波，重复着一日又一日的劳苦。

 

我的二姐相对幸运一些，初中毕业后读了卫校，进了我们当地的一家医院做了大夫。后来，通过学习和进修，二姐又取得大学文凭，以后的生活工作还算顺利。

 

来美国以后，我经常给两个姐姐打打电话，唠唠家常，于是常常想起她们幼时对我的称呼和腻爱，无限的亲切瞬时便充满了我。

 

“孩儿啊。。。”

 

 

December 15, 2004

 

27

 

My boss MX did not come in until mid afternoon today.  We were all worried about her and wondering what was happening, cause she usually calls us when she is late.

I think she is stressed out.

Not only because of me, but there are also a lot of other things.  We need more people to help out with the projects, and she got a lot of pressure from the some of the rice makers.  I remember I told her in this past March or April that I was looking for opportunities in east coast, because of my wife.  I can not just take the risk of breaking up my marriage, just for my job.  It is not worth it.  'A job is just a job, family is more important', that was what she told me, cause she had been through exactly the same thing before she moved to the bay area.

Thinking about this, I feel less guilty.

 

28

 

After MS and MK left, JD and I start

24

 

Now it was my turn to think about my career.  MS was gone, meaning no mentor for me any more, you will see that I had to feel my way around in the whole next year.  One question I had was, is company A truly committed to this new pipeline, or just trying to play with it a little to see if it is worthwhile it to spend more money there on R&D for new product development?  I was so confused and worried, and then I stepped in
the director's office.

Of course, the director comforted me and told me that they were still looking for the rice maker leader, but in the next six months, projects might be a little slow, he suggested I could use my time on some research of my interest.  What he was trying to tell me was that Company A was still committed to the new pipeline.  That was the information he tried to convey to me.  I didn't believe him.  I continued to worry about my job and started thinking about leaving

December 14, 2004

 

22

 

I had the moving agent coming in today to inventory my furniture to be shipped to east coast.  Finally my move is getting more and more real.

 

23

 

We are in the later stage of product development.  In some sense, we need to have the rice to cook with which to make a good dish out of it.  Whether our jobs are secure or not, our careers successful or not, largely depends on the rice makers.  What was needed there, was a good rice maker leader, even now, I still believe so.  MS was very excited when he told me that company A made an offer to this experienced rice maker leader from Company G in Midwest.  But the excitement turned into disappointment when he heard that this guy turned down the offer.  After that, Company A was not really looking
for one such guy, till more than a year later.

 

I guess that was one of the k

20

 

While I was expecting my first child, I had to concentrate myself on my job also. As the first generation in US, just like many other Chinese students here, we have to work hard to be recognized at work, and to get the green card with the sponsorship of the company, if we plan to stay in this country permanently.  But do not forget that we were just a very small group in the department, and two of the major members were not happy at all.  In
addition, what I experienced at my new job seemed tell me the same thing.

 

21

 

Now both MK and MS announced that they were leaving and half the group were gone.  Essentially the whole group disappeared.  JD and I were told to report to SB, in another group.  I was devastated.  This is my first job, after about half year I got in there, the group collapsed. 

Just like that, MS left, even though he told me that he never thought about l

December 13, 2004

 

17

 

I had to go to the pre-placement physical examination on the morning.  Just some regular physical, eye sight, blood pressure, blood test, urine test, even ECG.  I know a lot of big companies do drug screening test before they let you start. 

 

18

 

I still remember we had a couple of baby showers for my son.  One was organized by a great lady from Hongkong, BC, in her house. BC became the research professor in my wife's group after graduation from there.  Both my wife and I think it is such a waste of her intelligence to stay there, she is supposed to be a successful business woman.  A lot of friends were at the shower, and I am still keeping the video tape for it and digitized it in my computer.  Another shower was put together by an American couple who are my wife's friends (I were not there, unfortunately).  We tried to keep every gift

14

 

MS is the type of person who enjoys working, very down to earth, and does not like or might not be good at politics.  He was the sub-team leader of the project I was on, and MS worked with quite a few people who were arrogant, dictating, or very political.

MS used to work for Company F in east coast, another giant in the industry.  He had the experience to lead the group for new product development.  But apparently, he was very frustrated with the projects and with some people there as well.  Because he believed it
didn't make any sense for this project I was on to move further forward, cause it was just going to be throwing away money, but still one or two people on the project didn't care, they thought the project was their baby and with so much efforts finally the project reached this stage, and they just didn't want to stop right there, even if and most likely,
the project was going to die.

 

1

 

12

 

So in March of 2002, I started my new job at Company A, leaving my wife with three-month pregnancy at UB.  We knew this was very tough, but she had to finish her degree also, neither of us thought of quitting her Ph.D. program at UB.  Luckily, my mother-in-law was granted B2 visa to visit us, just like other Chinese students did when they were
planning for a baby.  From then on, I started my life traveling almost every month between SFO and this Midwestern city.

 

13

 

I had an okay start with my job.  But like a lot of Chinese students, I had no social experience at all and I had no idea on how to deal with politics, or in other words, at that time, I was a little naive and had little inter personal skills at work. Most of the time, I
was quiet at work.

The first few months went by quietly for me.  Except working in the lab, going to a few meetings, I was focused on w

 

December 12, 2004

 

10

 

It is just not a good idea to be among people who have totally different background from you, but you have to stay with them because you guys are in the same department and have departmental meetings every week or other activities together.  They do not understand what you are doing and they do not appreciate your work.  This makes things even worse if you are the minority, like us, four among forty.  Quote from another person, whom I will mention later, 'we are like a piece of cancer', meaning we are incompatible with other groups in the department and we should be separated out as another group/department just for the sake of more efficient management or whatever.

 

11

 

Among our small group, MS was the leader with about ten years experience.  MK had been there for about three years when I joined and it was her first job also.  JD was MK's asso

7

 

So now you can see my situation in 2002: very few friends in here, new at job, wife and son in Midwest, and the worst, our group was collapsing within half year after I joined company A.  Now what is next??  What is going to happen in my future at this job??  I
kept asking myself throughout the whole December of 2002.  I got very much depressed and I didn’t want to cook or even watch TV.  All I wanted to do was to lie in my bed and think about nothing.

 

But I did try to call a few of my friends and talked with them about my job and what I should do, and I even tried to looking for some new opportunities, of course, not very seriously. 

 

8

 

Time for Christmas party.  Have to get dressed up and see friends there.  The first thing I want to do at the party is to see the psychic reader.  Always wanted to do so while I was totally lost in the last th