藏在猫铃铛里的，秘密

呵呵，10月10日10年下午4点14分。听着《你最近还好吗》，我想着，你最近还好吗？

夏天了，外面阳光灿烂，房间里却弥漫着冷空气。

每次遇到不开心的事情，压力大到不可负荷，我第一个反应，还是打开msn看你的头像是不是绿色的。

看了篇日志，说你走了，你的习惯却留下了。

是啊，我以前从来不穿hoodie的，觉得那太运动了。后来发现穿hoodie戴帽子虽然还是有点太随意但是蛮酷的。

从来下雨了一定会打伞回家，雨中漫步有点蠢，故意让自己感冒。后来喜欢淋着雨的感觉，觉得是件很酷的事情。

听regina spektor的音乐。看英文小说。

后来在学校书店买到了那本《tuesdays with Morrie》。随手拿起一本《best wines in Australia》，看着呆了半天，想都没想就买下来了。后来Bec问我，你又不喝酒，买这本做什么。我当下怔了怔，说不知道耶。在ABC shop看到《brave new world》dvd的时候有点惊喜，想着要不要买来看，虽然对于冒险的故事不是很感兴趣。

在没有人看的时候唱歌，跳舞。

对镜子做鬼

Dear Michael my beloved seraph,

first of all, i guess i need to thank Sovira, for him whom gave me courage to initiate a conversation with him on the mid-autumn fesstival day. it's was like, after the 4-mins conversation,i profoundly realized that i haven't not only got over him yet, but sank deeper. even having the thought of either merely accepting him or nobody else.

But in fact... according to Zelong, i was actually ended up locking myself up in my own world, nothing comes in or out. is that what you really want? If i can only have him by waiting,that's absolutely fine. but the thing is... you don't get what you want by 'abusing' yourself. i opened the conversation record, and deleted it with a smile. calm, serenity flowed in air and not feeling ironical or reluctant inside, not at all.

he wouldn't really care what you do or how you think...so why? yeah, love is unconditional, everyone says so,&nb

i saw Ken in the library today, when i was busy working out the lab report. he was just sitting there in the jacket he's always wearing, it indeed looks like him from the back, and i didn't really know why and what made me walked towards the spare pc next to him.

maybe... i still wanted to get close to him... but when i actually sat down and say hi to Ken, so much feeling like running away... and couldn't help thinking what if he comes to the library and look for his brother... NOOOOOO...

well, yeah, i haven't spoken to him ever since i came back. that has been almost 3 months. when i told my friends that, Junior said, keep up the good work. it was hilarous in a way, but it doesn't make me laugh genuinely.

maybe i have accepted the fact that i might never see him again or he and chou will just show up holding hands someday, that won't surprise me anymore.

coincidentally, Ken didn't talk about h

At I think approximately beginning of this week, I deleted the conversation record, which was used to be treasured so much and i read word by word as if it’s a bible. And the part of his self-introduction in the document as well. Why, I don’t need them anymore. I have to move on.

Yes, it was exactly true that it’s not that you couldn’t let go, it’s that you don’t want to.

Yes, time and space. I now have time and space, which I shall utilize more efficaciously this time.

Like being anesthetized, I don’t feel anything anymore.

At first when Bec put up that  relatively ugly photo of me, I was a little stunned and thinking of something like what if he sees it, but a second later, why should I care if he sees it? If it’s me in the past, I would definitely untag it. But now, I wouldn’t care anymore.

Love, relationships whatsoever, are all ethereally beautiful and too idealistic to

我目前在无比纠结中。。。

啊。。。真是像歌词里唱歌，

“想离你远一些。。。

我有点胆却。。。”

本来以为星期4的时候他会去击剑的，但是他家伙，居然放我鸽子~！

呃，严格来说他并没有...因为他说他因该会去而不是肯定会去，但是明明星期2的时候问我说星期4去不去的人是他，现在可好，我去了他反而没来。。。郁闷。

这还不是最搞的。

刚进门的时候，像往常一样和一家打招呼，果然是这学期最后一星期了，来社团的人不少啊，看到kenneth正在修他的foil（敢情剑也是可以自己修的。。。），旁边站着一个看似有点熟悉的人，让我差点就出口，hi，Eric！

但是，发现。。。嗯，他什么时候剪的头发？而且身上的衣服...他穿衣服的风格什么变了，蓝色格子的背心,帆布运动鞋，他一向不是穿单色系配runners的么?

我认为那个男生一定觉得我很奇怪，因为他被我用先是惊讶然后是挑着眉毛纠结的脸看了很久。

盯着看了快一分钟之后。。。

嗯，不是他。eric身上似乎没有这样柔弱的气息。怎么说呢，就是感觉散发的气息不同，而且只要我进门了eric一定会和我打

6月了。

一年中的6月又来了。

像往年一样的，进入燥热的，夏天雨季的6月。

而从3年前开始，这里进入冬天，依然是雨季，湿冷的，潮湿的6月。

考试月的6月。最多朋友过生日的6月。

和我一样双子座的6月。虽然是6月的最后一天，但他的生日也在6月呢。

每年的6月总有几天情绪不稳定。那几天，通常是和王璐，泽龙和庭慈一起度过的吧。一起度过的生日。6月的双子。6月的，寂寞的孩子们。

看着电脑上的钟提示着1，36am，6月1日。有种想大哭的冲动。

这将是我在墨的第3个生日。

想着，我是不是变了。那些在高中时作的梦，那些曾在高中时遇到过的人们，讲过的话，做过的蠢事，是不是。。。都消失在回忆里了？

即使被别人说口音听不出来像中国人，即使被中国朋友说我看起来似乎在这里过得很好，即使被别人说看起来我在这里朋友很多。。。我依然觉得。。。我真的属于这里么？我到底属于哪里？该对那里有归属感？还是注定流浪。。。呢？我所牵挂的人，大家都像我一样，在四处漂泊呢。在英国的慈，在新加坡的泽龙王璐，在中国的鱼。快要离开我，去ca

突然觉得，没有你的存在很好。

在绝望中，带着微笑独自旋转。

像染血的，羽毛般轻盈的回忆。

只字片语，亦不能够形容人性的疯狂。

我想大喊，想尖叫，但一切被扼死在诡异的静寂中。

在沉默中，窒息。

哪，时间与距离，是逃离你的唯一方法。

也是你曾出现在我生命里的，证明。

但这时候，连回忆都是多余。

忘了吧，沉睡吧。

终于 你会发现，

那恼人的金丝雀不再叫了。

所以，安心的睡吧

我的公主。

Goodnight & Farewell.

虽然你每次都会用这个词，“farewell, tina”，这么笑着说着。我却会露出少许难过的表情，因为它中文翻过来永别的意思比再见更加强烈。

上星期六和Bec，Laura，Junior去看那场我期待很久的，被你拒绝了的音乐会。虽然是学校的交响乐团，但是还是蛮不错的，比较遗憾的是没有听到贝多芬的皇帝，在最后2星期的时候会换成了莫杂特的单簧管协奏曲。

比较搞笑的是那个单簧管独奏，前半场的时候一直都是他的个人秀，看他在台上穿着西装踮脚边吹边跳，

oh, love is us.

i have been pretty obsessed with Kokia's new album lately, 'Real World'.

she has an absolute angelic voice, ethereally beautiful.

Friday night outing has always been my favourite, night of usually dinner with Bec and Laura.

well, it reminds me that how fun it is to be together with friends.

i was telling Bec today that i have decided that: 

'men are consumption goods, they are there for leisure when you are bored'

Bec:'sounds so economical'

Laura:'oh i get it, it's like the contact lens, finish using then dispose of it?'(i can't remember the exact simile but something like that)

Haha~ Yesu.Absolutely.

I will profoundly miss the days after i finish uni and start working.

the days we laughed together heartlessly, with little worries about the future,life filled with complaining about fucking lecturers and endless assgiments and ruthless stup

没有离不开的人。只是你不想离开而已。

没有放不开事，痛了，自然就会放下。

我的心情，依然会因你而改变。依然只是看到你在这里就会觉得安全。

那是看着镜子里的自己，突然懂了，所谓的心灵支柱。中3时也有过酱紫的状况。后来怎么离开的，我不大记得了。纵容自己了一次机会，然后笑着抽手。以为很重要，所以蒙蔽了眼睛。现在依然喜欢他们，怀念少年时期的稚气的自己。虽然没在联络了，但有缘分的话，一定还会再见吧。

突然觉得自己很镇定。即使susan说了不好听的话，我还是。。。觉得，我了解他，而susan不是。连话都没有好好讲过，怎么认识一个人呢。就算是自以为是也好，当他说出“I thought you should know”之后，意识到。。。是不是，就算是比较算是难以定位的，但在他的心里，我还是有个位子的呢？不善于表达内心地说。。。不小心说出了心里想说的话而站在墙角后悔的样子，呵呵，好可爱。

会喜欢这样音乐的人，怎么会是个坏人呢。。。？

我不后悔，就算不能再回到从前，我不后悔，相反，我很庆幸。想着B说Seth要他喜欢的女生去和maggie说不要告白就觉得，我真的很幸福了

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lACSvDOLhLU&feature=player_embedded

Two Moons by Toe.

'Band: Toe
Origin: Japan
Genre: Post-Rock, Japanese Maths Rock
My Rating: Amazing.'

he post this on my facebook wall page, which... i guess... made my day. =D

it actually makes me wondering...that he was thinking and what facial expression_r he was in while posting this vedeo onto my wall.

He loves to use the word 'amazing', though it seems to me that its usage is sort of overtly abused.

He loves lying on lawn and tracing the shapes of clouds on a fine day.

He loves ambiguity and abstract things, because they feel like the water, constantly changing and moving like the capricious weather in Mel. 'Specify. Define. Concrete'...might be the words suffocating him.