忽然想起初三为了升高中夜读的画面，当时别人家长给买白兰氏的时候我妈给我买雀巢和麦斯威尔，虽然后来觉得速溶咖啡味如嚼蜡，可我的咖啡瘾就这么早 早地埋下了。每晚上一大杯咖啡，一包小核桃，灯光安谧，左手边做完的习题卷子像战利品一样平平摊开，右手边还有一摞一摞没做完的逼仄地躺在书架下方的阴影 处。十三楼的窗户外右方是菜市路，放学了的小学生，下班的，开车的，摆摊头的，讨价还价的都渐渐消声，左方就是上海火车总站轨道哐哐噹噹，时不时有车喧哗 呼啸开走，也有车嘶嘶地开进来，常常是我晚饭后倚着窗口呆呆地望着黄昏下的火车道，背景是我妈在厨房里的洗碗声，这时候就会恍惚觉得自己也好像一直就站在 这个城市的出入口处，这解释了我一直以来心里的不安分。尤其在冬天，严闭的窗户使大都会七八点时的市声营营然和悦可爱，意味着俗者如斯夫不可昼夜的必要 性。等到了深夜时，我的世界立马又变得一维了，我一人独占的直接接入房顶的两排书柜和墨绿绸缎窗帘前的一盏灯，只有一沓沓空白的灿烂在六月一副王者相，可 也就在这个时候，我的心思一般就开始蜻蜓点水，飞远了去……

六年一个曲折，看看自己现在的状态好像忽然和六年前雷同，但是 心境自然是大大地不同，就是这么一年一岁地凭夜晚长大，夜晚越深越自由，心也随着脑子里思考的种种特别自足。西方的夜，东边的昼，我恰好能在这个时候和闺 蜜们的心思同步，感激着我这边绕着时钟转一圈就又能对你们说声早安，习惯了MSN 上共进退共喘息的心绪和交流，时间空间的距离始终要输给心的距离。

还 有三个星期要回国，手上却还有好多事根本没回家的心思，大一盼阿盼回家，大二靠回家腐败打牙祭，大三一年周旋到今天，心里平静地很，甚至有点不孝顺地想说 回不回去都不在乎。只是奢望国门里我无比牵挂的朋友和爸爸妈妈，如果将来能离得近一些，在哪里倒真的一点都不在乎，因为哪里都不过是个壳儿。

在书里看到这句话以后就挥之不去，索性就唐突地以它结尾吧－－　＂我曾见过的生命，都只是行过，无所谓完成。＂

ahh-ness=mono no aware

过21岁生日是两礼拜前的事情了,可能是喝了两杯sherry的缘故，这回忽然有点想感叹 (pardon my sentimentality)，21被美国drinking age所谓的“21，u shuld get drunk get trashed”一渲染，好像更真的就和其他生日有什么不同了。生日其实都一样，一年里的某一天。要说真的不同，就是目前明显觉得自己夹在一直一手操办自己的前途，喝醉了酒又和朋友一起彻夜在24小时咖啡店扯淡不归，和还需要老爸老妈交房租钱以及委婉地劝老爸接受我不再只是他的女儿将来去哪里都不可能总陪他在他身边这两种身份中，21是个十分洒脱，坦然和怀疑七三分，尤其还有点尴尬的年龄，至少对我来说。

but I CANNOT care more than wat i really care. life is short, you don't give a damn. 

记得一年多以前第一次开瓶倒红酒，哗啦一倒就倒过了玻璃杯肚子的一半被饶有风格的朋友数落礼数不够，到后来还是没学会一点点来，倒也唯独红酒怎么喝都喝不醉每次都被开玩笑, 不管是干的fino浓的 amantillado还是适中的port，十刀以下一瓶的sherry就能让我馋个好久。生日那天还是没记性，又是哗啦一下，自己倒的自己全喝了还不停贪杯，朋友说我改不了了。我也觉得我改不了了，21岁以来换了一个又一个的地方谁也想不到我会是今天这个样子，但我也从来没有像今天这样如此坦然于自己的爱和恨，强与弱。

21, I've changed so much, yet haven't change a bit--是不是人在20岁都应该有类似的顿悟呢，因为人应该总在瞬间中存在着，不可抵挡的命运和自身的内在本质相撞和纠缠，一点点FLOW, then everything will start to make so much sense.

一开始觉得像是一群女犯人，后来又觉得像是穿着初中校服的少女，废弃的浴室，恹恹的氛围，光凉的瓷地板转，眼神和身体零件都在窃窃私语，despair, fear, anxiety, feminine anxiety, frustration---虽然舞蹈直达给人的感受并不新奇，但是表达方式和舞者的表现力，没得说了，被震到了，链接在此：

（国内看不到YOUTUBE的。。。同情一个）

想这支舞诞生时候的西方现代舞蹈史，早已经经历了一次次沉淀又翻新，打破又重来，科技特效，高空杂技，影像装置，site-specific　（结合各种日常场所为场地），nudity, contact, improv, pedestrian dance.......一样一样都玩过了，这支舞蹈就算放在二十五年前也是一次创造力的第二次春天。extreme modernist minimalism,substracting a minimal difference from a vast amount of materials, reducing words to its least, tensions between form and message...看它直接想到的就是塞缪贝克多（samuel beckett)，强烈的bleak, desperate, extreme modernist minimalism。。。这几天迷上了电影理论film theory, 从六七十年代融入了psychoanalysis 的电影理论开始，subjectivity和把老弗的心理分析拉到新高度的拉冈的revival of psychoanalysis，偶尔有空就看两眼。拉冈（Lacan）向来没人看得懂我丝毫没能例外，降了一级，看Lacan的入室弟子slavoj zizek对其解读，但还是像啃牛皮纸一样受挫，书也就被丢到脑后了，真的是再次切身体会到only the believers enter the church of Theory。不料这会儿看完Rosas 的评论搜贝克多，发现非常有意思地，zizek曾经长篇大论写过lacan and beckett他俩精神实属同路，于是兴趣又回来了

。

更新网页，看到dance partner在facebook上更新了状态RIP (rest in peace) Pina Bausch

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

wtf

名利，聚光灯和时间

前两者，作为舞者又恨又爱，可对于时间的残酷，年岁递增躯体变老，舞者是恨，恨不能永生。舞者不再跳的时候，作为编舞者，把自己的灵魂捏进年轻人的肢体里去，传下去，是穿越了一个躯体的表达到达另外的躯体获得保留，舞蹈艺术最大的不同在于它的短暂，它是每个不同的人的意识和肢体在每一个当下糅合内外感知产生的流动画面，它是独一无二和跟时间顽固抗争的，源头没有了，再造的难度，就好像和要真正走进一个人了解一个人一样难。懂得了这些，立刻就理解了去年演出martha graham的旧作steps on the street结束在后台看到曾是graham 的学生、后成为专业舞蹈家后一方面潜心研究重塑(dance reconstruction)马莎老师旧作并重导了steps on the street 的老师拥抱每一个人时的激动和眼泪；也理解了去年在费城看高龄的merce cunningham舞团让人兴奋窒息的演出成功后他老人家支着轮椅出现在舞台上谢幕时舞台下十五分钟分贝突然升高的掌声，和我的哽咽；如果五十岁对舞者来说是一道入了新生的坎儿，那么68岁就是二重生命里的第二次青春，平生百岁，还有一大半的体验要交付于人生，我不能理解的是，老天, 你为什么这么早就把她带走了。。。

fractured relationships

cracked identities

soul-numbing lonliness

the one who can confront them so straightly as well as subtly and the one who give her audience so much pains , chills, compassions and understandings, the one who understands lonliness so well and so cruely and gave me so much courage to accept and across lonliness, is gone?！

马甲去世是事不关己，他人生再为绮丽和传奇最多对我来说是个可以研究分析把玩的case，我看着一大批有干系的没干系的严肃的瞎掺合的，只能说自己的心情很遗憾，像听bob dylan jimi hendrix，看无数人默哀戴安娜一样，奢望自己曾经在场，不止是为了更够资格祷告，是那些深切的爱和痛的经历，从来都对我有特殊的吸引力，因为我和众多的你一样，总想被触动，我们不痛不痒，生下来无忧无虑，成长结构大同小异，被迫在这个肮脏的浮躁的不懂得含蓄和真实的现代城市社会里寻找孤独，追求孤独，追求狂喜，痛苦，理解，平等，想象和真爱，这几样是现世里越来越少见、轻易根本得不到的体验，却是我认为唯一能称得上是真正生命体的组成，只有浓烈地活着才算是活着。孤独和痛苦，是碧娜鲍许创作里不变的主体，高三毕业一个人在家缩在电脑前看阿莫多瓦的对她说(hable con ella)，在旅行记者冲向监狱制止护士自杀的那一幕止不住地哭的，把自己都吓着了。上了大学以后尤其警觉自己的情绪，每一次兴奋或流泪的同时都不经意地脱离个体探寻情绪的动机，看hable con ella哭是因为另一个人提前带你体验到了你有待理解却特别需要甚至渴望的情感和表达。护士和旅行记者同为男性，记者第一次在碧娜鲍许的舞剧观众席里看到落泪时，还并不认识对方，观众却已经把两个男人联在了一起，那一幕旅行记者的眼泪（开头，和近结尾）很重要，因为无所谓谁哭了谁没，谁被感动了谁懂了谁，对她说里的两个陌生男人共情（empathy）的方式其实是一样的，他们共同具备这样一种能力，都能从为已经植物人了的女伴擦拭，保湿，清洗，单方向的对话等枯燥的日常起居喂养里得到满足。眼泪，倾诉，爱看默片，到护理，这些十分女性化的元素一一在护士和旅行作家上看到，女性主义者浅析对她说，一定会让你去看“女性”这个元素是如何如同分子一样游荡和聚散在每个躯体里，可当我看到结尾pina bausch的 masurca fogo时，才觉得在道德范畴以外（阿尔莫多瓦惯于刻画似正非邪的爱，探讨任何形式的爱的行为的多样性和（不）合理性），这部电影明显在讲孤独，在放大孤独，因为阿莫以为我们缺乏对孤独的思考和正视，无论男性还是女性，孤独是共享的。

在masurca fogo里，男舞者看似把无力的单独的女舞者举起，她在悲歌里重喘，她看似被支撑，他们以为她被重新赋予发声的机会，其实只是摔得更重，变得更微弱和挣扎。我们以我们以为正确的方式爱一个人，和一个人交流，却不一定能真正打通孤独的厚壁。护士爱芭蕾舞蹈女孩的炽热是赴汤蹈火，可哪怕是再疯狂和忠诚的爱，最不求回报的付出和最穿透的理解，如果只是单方面的，又能称得上是complete union吗？孤独，还是孤独，护士丢了工作，丢了尊严，孤独地死了，是献祭式的牺牲，于是换来了奇迹。奇迹的发生和旅行记者的记录，是导演的宽容。影片里的男旅行记者起初没有意识到交流的必须性，无他性和交流背后隐藏的距离感，就像我们许多人一样，好像是护士给他上了一课。有谁给我们上课，更也许，从独立，到忍耐孤独，到重新融入与他人的关系中，现实里，自由不是在孤独里实现的。

我想到了博朗特的诗phophyria's lover，以终极的爱的名义杀死爱人却看起来像是为了满足控制欲望的男人。我想到了碧娜鲍许的舞蹈，肢体语言里所有可说的不可说的，全都被身体说出来了，可是她死了。

I am so sad.

A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

Health Ledger死的时候还很感叹I don't have to believe it if I don't want to...不说断背山一片曾经让我在高中毕业那年看得泪干魂断五脏六腑翻腾好一阵子都走不出来小抑郁，小生的演技最终在成就了joker一角同时被证明，人中极品阿，没关注过蝙蝠系列的我在peer pressure下终于看完dark knight时也无法抵制为joker面具底下的HL 着迷加痛惜。高峰期的christian bale演american psycho，那个角色气质简直是非他莫属，不能全算他本事的，后来选择了batman, 四平八稳，那么他也就是和Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer 和George Clooney一路气运的，而Ledger扮joker, 那走的，可是Jack Nicholson的路线阿！Who is Jack Nicholson? 一代天才Kubrick的Shining 里把我吓得屁滚尿流差点想戒掉恐怖片的作家，再提醒一下，flying over the cuckoo's nest...

扯，我跑题了。本来是想由Michael Jackson说开来去的，我自然不是马甲同学的倾慕者，没生在那个年代，更没有rock/pop star的老爹老妈熏陶，西方的小孩听老爸老妈存的马甲唱片时估计我还在邓丽君／范晓萱阶段，刚时髦了一点就张惠妹了，好刹风景……所以也没有听他的歌长大。最近一次听到马甲的名字倒是在去年春季学校的dance concert上，一个背景和表现力都特好的跳十几年舞长大的美非女生编舞，初衷是找二三十个人编一出大型michael jackson insprired jazz-hiphop-plus ballet and a bit lyric mixbag，一个典型的个人能力很强创造力和领导能力有待提高的败笔，最后人走茶凉，落得像一个SKIT。但记得当时听到美非女生舞蹈里的beat it的反应是，原来这首口水歌是马甲同学唱的阿！八零后们不要说从没听过马甲的歌，只知道马甲性骚扰小男童整容整个没完还索性把自己粉白了，或者是在选秀或任何类型的秀里看到三脚猫模仿马甲的舞步，刚刚补习马甲的歌觉得很悦耳，而且好多都是“原来这是他唱的”的反应！ 而且我边听边写论文，还觉得挺舒畅的。再者，马甲的jazz pirouette和他使用在跳舞中的美臀和身段简直无人能敌阿！世间又少了一个天才，天才如果自我意识太强……擦边球打过火……说不定就要越轨做出常人难以接受甚至原谅的行为。刚刚在教授家吃晚饭，一大堆四面八方的人一起又是放马甲的歌又是给马甲做prayer, 如果连这些我见过的最赤诚地笃信上帝的人都能原谅这样一个冒上帝而大不为， hate the skin that God creates for himself and even more, molest God's creatures　的人，我也想很诚心地表达，

MJ, may you peace in heaven.

当ledger死的时候看到过的一个对the psychology behind the public's sorrow towards death of public figure (movie star in particular) 的分析：

This generation-spanning affection for actors can also be explained by the fact that no matter how reclusive and mysterious the star may be, the public feels that it knows him or her. The public is like a doting parent that spends decades compiling a mental scrapbook in which it meticulously mounts photos of its child's greatest triumphs. When an actor dies young, it is almost as if one's own child had passed away. There is no greater tragedy than for a parent to outlive its children, because the old are supposed to exit the stage before the young. This is why Ledger's death seems not only tragic but morally incorrect. Once again, the universe is not playing by the rules.

我加一句，the universe might be playing by chances (oh joker! wat a tribute!) , and there are certainly rules that contribute to chances.

安息吧 MJ， amen.

Just dance, it's not gonna be okay, just write, it's not gonna be over

思想折腾了很久本来大四要住校内的书呆子楼的，想沾住去YALE学认知的前学长的光一来也主要是给自己省银两，把好朋友好几个一起租公寓的邀请都拒了，然后昨天下午经历的特狗屎的事情，收到学校突兀的邮件，所有书呆子楼里的大三大四生都要被迫搬出重新找房子把楼腾给下一届录取名额超标要扑出来的大一生住。。。（大一大二被视为危险年级学校一般都像羊一样圈着，像我们这样大四一只只皮厚的才敢开栏纷纷放到校外去住）。。。于是老子火了，听说好几个跟我们一样的同学闹到学校那去了（徒劳babe, be realistic) 学校楼说盖都盖了几栋了桥也要拆了，说要relocate你还不是小指头动一动的事情，赶紧找房子吧！可剩下的公寓哪里还有得挑拣，早知道我一开始干嘛去啦。无数个电话周旋过后，神阿，竟然只有一栋三single 的triple whole furnatured　apartment被我带朋友俩一起抢到了，谁敢跟我抢试试看，忙了一下午，今天就去签lease, 哈哈哈哈，这个。。我左看右看，怎么觉得因祸得福呢。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

论文写得头痛欲裂，自从走上了这条黑道，我算是不能好好写篇非流水的日志了，谁来帮我做laundry阿，谁来帮我烧荷包蛋阿！

只有碰到白壁的回音。。。。。。。。

(神助到底还是自助，自助不如placebo!! pppppppppppsh)

否则听Journal of Plague Lovers 这种MSP的绝世新专还有和晓晓意一起哈拉molko的销魂嗓是不够爽的。

还有一扇好的窗户也不能少，要能朝内晒进阳光朝外看见绿色，不能久在樊笼里。

想起村上把写小说比作造房间，他觉得房间可以从他“所在的场所远游到别的地方”，把自己的小说成为远游的房间，可不是，我读着知性大龄女作家笔下的“我被当头的烈日晒得目眩，色色植物都在高光里鲜艳着，突然悟到，哦，原来梵高不是艺术，根本就是生活本身……”仿佛自己也身处阿尔之境，窗外阴天鬼脸，我这厢阳光灿烂。

一盏温和的桌灯，一张舒服的床，咖啡或茶，一台电脑一堆书，塔里的日子自满自足。

早早就下了决心，心底里要升着烧不灭的一丛火，要像弗拉明戈舞者脚下生力不停，要一路寻找那个能听我说话的人，要最终能做许许多多人的听众。

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_1Zz9ud83I

能看youtube的朋友们错过上面的就是你遗憾了。我这一首歌放了一下午，心随着那一个个骄傲的臂腕和指尖上下荡漾，整个人只想拜倒在弗式舞女裙边，再一次，再一次。

Friends who have been literally with me 24-7, tolerated my rants and impulsive venting while I was being mushy and sick all the time for the past two weeks, I am word-cant-describly thankful... I just want to remind you the fact that I can't be physically returning you some big tight hugs during those moments have added to my sadness in general. Well well, I think the majority of the individualistic (by norm) and stupid (by reality) Americans would find it very hard to understand what has seemed to come so easily for you and me, that is the alternative version of companionship, to be each other's soulmates, despite that we are millionsandmillions' miles apart , that months or even years have lapsed since we last met or spoke, that comparing to you, I've seemed to be such a self-oriented and neglectful friend who didn't attend to all your relationship/life hardship until my own emotional break-down...I knew before I came to you that I can just throw it there, and you will listen, care and respond.

So tonight after I finished my fourth hell-damn-long phone call with the one that brings me all the emotional turmoil, I talked to my mom again. no tears no complaints, surprsingly enjoyable. Mom and I conversed about marriage, the ideal significant other and of course the question that why sometimes the obvious 'shoulda' choice is not the one you make. What makes me most glad out of all is the trust she (mi madre) grants me. She trusts me that I can handle this, showing in her not-worrying about me and making me feel so comfortable disclosing my tales and thoughts with her. And yes, after roaming around the entire apartment for a day, helped my avid dancer friend ashley clean the microwave, stove and bathroom(!!) and personally consumed 5 cups of teas, contemplating on 'wat my choice tells about myself this time'...Now, obviously I've come to some sort of peace on this matter. Let us just say, I am not going to risk and I will leave it to karma.

it is great if you find someone you click with, if you both are movie, music, lit buffs and have the same tastes, if you both know each other so well that you always seem to be ahead of each other, robbing off the word the other is just about to say, if you realize one day that terribly you can be 'trith' his shrink, friend and girlfriend, quoting agina's partner in trinity, most importantly, if you are yourself but even a better version of yourself with the person, and if you are able to stay with him (meaning that the right timing is granted), then HEY! start celebrating, because that's the most ideal kind of partnership I could ever picture, any other factor seems to be conquerable to me as long as those listed are firstly met. BUT how many lucky members are there on earth? my parents? not entirely...Dad went to see NBA at first place when I started talking to mom coz his boredom of the normative mom-daughter conversation came out again  :p    Mom and dad have been married for 22 years...can I, thanks to my own personality make-up and what I've read and experienced, ever stay with someone for that long? I haven't even stayed with myself for 22 years.....Is marriage even possible for who I am...and why am I even seriously thinking about it when I'm not even in a serious relationship yet (when the treasure-like significant other who finally appeared in my life has quickly and cruelly faded into a nebulous future that is not worth wasting time for, at least for now) ... f**k all the thinking ahead. They are useless. I thought ahead before all these even happened. And when things hit you, all the thinkings fell apart. So accept what happened, accept who I am among all these, and just deal with it as it comes. Then I realize I've grown again. Idealism doesn't work well in reality, esp with a kido like him. What hasn't kid learnt when young adults have? The ability to treasure. And I am so self-protective and so not teenage to be more risky. shame on that I know. I made a joke to mom saying that let's just hope for the best and dream that 'before sunrise' might happen on me for real and mom said sth serious in return, 'if one day you are married, at the day of your marriage I would say the same thing that Wu Zong Xian (han....) says to his daughter at wedding--welcome back, home is always open to you.'  So mom basically happens to confirm what I am tempted to agree with, that is, don't place excessive demand on relationship/even marriage in current age, 一人一生一世？don't expect it too much because it's not something one can ask for. Chill with who you love, chill with yourself, and chill with life. Quoting Zn here, seize the day. (maybe not in the way she meant when she told me...)

By that response, mom is not teaching me to be cynical. Never. She is just teaching me how to protect myself.

The end. I am going to try to do a better job of blogging my summer here. But I realize my to-do-list is chasing its own tail right now. Quoting Li, work goes against sadness, horror movie goes against stress. It's the best time to work and I can't ask for any better with all what I've had. I am glad I'm back on the working mode again, in 2 weeks!

Get excited.

PS:为什么用英文写，一，偷懒。二，我这些唠叨写给的那些人都是英语狂人。