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Related article: Date: Thu, 11 Jul 2002 23:47:25 -0700 (PDT) From: CompactChub Subject: Kev / Part 5Part 14 I did make it home. How and where are practically irrelevant, all I knew was that I was home. I locked myself up for two days, thinking, crying, worrying, and feeling guilty. I tried to come up with an idea to help Kevin although I was more than sure that they would not touch him anymore. I thought of calling the cops. But what would that do except cause us so much more trouble.My veins were going to pop out of my skin. I wasn't just mad, I was enraged. I wanted revenge and I wanted them to pay. I didn't even care if it were with their lives. But then at the very peak where my fury would almost intuitively lead me out to kill the two, a memory of Kev would come back and there tears wouldn't stop coming down.My Kev was fiercely molested, and worst of all, it had been done right in front of my eyes. Could you imagine it? Could you put yourselves in my shoes for one second? Does anyone really know the power of love to the point of forgetting the power of hatred?I didn't eat those two days. My door was locked and my mom was beginning to get really worried. That second night, I was threatened. Either I would come out or they would break the door. At last I did go out when I was sure it looked nothing like I had been crying. I told them I was mad, but I didn't tell the why. Unconvinced, but calm, they forced me to eat. After the long lecture I went back to my room. I was afraid of sleeping. Almost every night for about a year after that day, if I'm not mistaken, I had nightmares and would wake up in the middle of night, heart racing and palms sweating.That day after my mom took me to see a shrink. I did not know about it, I thought I was going to the doctor's for a check up. I felt a tiny bit better that day as I knew it was the day when Kev would be back home safe.However, that same idea reset me in panic mode. There I was sitting in front a shrink who was trying to analyze me when I was trying to analyze my own situation and to find a way to talk to Kev."What did you do yesterday?" the shrink asked after a long introductory conversation.I hardly heard the question. I was too busy worrying about Kevin. How could I ever talk to him? How could I ever look him in the face after that night? His face would only bring back the most horrible of memories. Most probably, he would hate me for what I did and not want to talk to me ever again."Nothing..." I answered hoping he would get off me and wait for me to say something.I needed time to think. I didn't need a shrink. What would Lolita Porn Pics he understand? How could he ever relate to me if I ever told him my boyfriend was once 12 (now 13). I thought of tens of combinations of ways to see him and/or talk to him. Some way in which he wouldn't hate my guts. A way in which he could look at me and forget all the pain I had brought into his life. I was his destroyer. Day by day, I got more convinced. I shouldn't be in his life, I had already destroyed it enough. Yet, I needed him for survival.The guilt was pain, no, torture. If I Lolita Porn Pics never saw him again, how could I ever tell him how sorry I was and how much I loved him? I knew that for sure, I had to wait a few more days for school to start. Maybe by then, I could see him and talk to him face to face, and he would have calmed down a little.I had ignored the shrink a lot that day. He told me that we had a LOT more to talk about and that I needed to come back as soon as possible. I didn't care. I thought to myself that for the next time though, I would make up a problem and solve it with him. Maybe that way I could get rid of his and my mom's pressure that I really had no time for.I woke up so depressed the day school started. My heart raced every time I thought about looking straight at Kev. With all my might, I psyched myself up and tried to relax.I was on my way.I looked for Kev everywhere but couldn't find him. I had to get to class though, I didn't want to be in trouble the first day of school, my mom already was going to kill me. The only solution left was to find him at break time and go somewhere private.Sure I was in class for 3 hours, but mentally, I wasn't. I saw no new teachers, no old friends, no new friends, and nothing familiar. I walked and sat like I was somewhere very far and unconscious. All I could think and worry about was the meeting. I wondered. How much was Kev affected by what happened. I prayed to God that he would overcome it. I was going to get revenge and he had to know that no one would ever do that to Lolita Porn Pics him and go unscathed. But did he still like me and could he stand me after all? Those questions troubled me most and I couldn't stand the pressure anymore.I ran out of class the millisecond the bell rang. I checked his class and waited for the students to get out, one by one.Still....nothing.I decided that he must have gone out ahead of everyone else. I looked everywhere for him, or Brian, or even Jack. I eventually found Jack with some friends he was hanging around with.Jack almost pooped himself as he saw me. I guess he thought I was going to blackmail him. I asked about Brian Lolita Porn Pics and he said he didn't show up to school that day and he talked to him since he went to camp."oh my God" I said aloud."What's wrong?" asked jack."Nothing. Thank you Jack," I answered.A million thoughts came to my head. There were so many possibilities, so many reasons. Then, I calmed down realizing that Brian was probably sick and that I just didn't find Kev. It was a very big school after all.I didn't find him all day. The only sad conclusion I could come to was that he didn't want to see me and was avoiding me. But then, it could also be possible that something happened at their home. Someone might have blurted out something, and we were all headed for so many more disasters. At my young age, my life was already ruined...I couldn't find any other way but to talk with my mother. She was after all Alice's best friend. I thought if I asked the right questions, I would get the answers I wanted without sounding suspicious."Mom, doesn't Alice want me to baby-sit anymore? She hasn't called me for so long." I asked.It took only that question for me to get all the answers I wanted. Actually, it was all the answers I didn't want to hear. From her answer onwards, I was crushed. Crushed more than I've been the whole month, if that was possible. It was a stupefying answer."No honey. Alice got promoted and relocated to Europe. They left three days ago and as quickly as possible so she could get the kids into schools without missing a lot. She talked to me so fast, she forgot to give me her address. Poor thing,""OH..............ok," I managed to squeak and headed to my room.They say that when it rains, it pours. It's true. My problems never seemed to end. That last blow, though, would be the final one. I couldn't take much more, a person can only take so much. I went into our medical cabinet and got out some sleeping pills. I didn't want to think anymore. I wanted to sleep and not wake up. Sleep, something I hadn't done for a long while, took over me in just a few minutes. I slept and slept and slept....Sleep is such a good thing. There's no better way to escape reality, except when you dream of reality that is. I didn't. I slept like I cared for nothing except my body's rest.I hoped to never wake up, but I knew how many pills would kill me. I took enough to make me sleep for 20 hours straight.The next morning, I woke up and realized that I had missed school. My mom was in my room watching me. My eyelids could hardly move apart. My head felt like someone had smashed it open.She was so worried. I didn't know what to say. I just told her that I hadn't been sleeping well and that I decided to let it all go at once.She decided that I should stay in bed and forget school that day. I argued with her. That was the last thing I needed; to stay home and think all day. No, I wanted to go to school, I didn't want to know how miserable I was.She just was too stubborn. I had to stay in bed. In bed. What else could one reflect upon? My boy was in Europe, gone, and I was here, helpless, again. I didn't cry that day. I wonder why. That was the worst news yet, but somehow, I just thought and thought, but not one tear came down my eye.I guess it was my realization that it was for the best. He needed to get away from what had happened to him and even from me, the person who caused it all. He had a new beginning and I was hoping that he could start over.I knew how hard it would be for him. I mean rape is not the kind of thing you just forget. I just prayed day in and day out that it would be possible. Maybe the one positive thing in it all was that I was there with him, sharing his pain. I hoped and hoped that maybe that fact would save him from the aftermath that people suffered after rapes.Days went by and I was going through a slow change. I had gone from a person willing to commit suicide to one who wanted to live it all over again. In my heart, I loved Lolita Porn Pics one person; Kevin. Nothing or no one would ever replace his smile.I was so alone, but somehow I told myself that I was the same way I was only a few months ago. Not many people got the chance at the one thing they wanted most. I did. I sort of blew it, but I did.Miraculously, I survived another month. Had you asked me before whether I could last one more month, my answer would have definitely been no. I mean three weeks at camp and I was going to suffocate, how about never seeing again?I thought about him every day though. I'd be a liar if I said that I still don't think about him.Although I promised myself that I wouldn't, I emailed him. It took me a month to finally decide to do it. It was such a long email I wrote. I told him everything, everything in ALL and COMPLETE honesty. I asked him not to reply. I only asked that he forgive me and not forget me.To my disappointment, the email returned. He had deleted his account or must have changed it. Clearly, he wanted nothing more to do with me and I wasn't surprised. In a way, it was a relief. The email brought back so many unpleasant memories and if he had answered, I'd be messing his life all over again, not to mention mineMy grades improved and so did my social life, ironically. From the love point of view, I had three hopes left. My first was that Kev would remember me one day and email me. Second, that I would at some point gather enough strength to go back to our tree house. Third, I hoped that I would meet someday a boy as nice as Kev. That was a rather impossible task, though.I did however muster up enough strength to go back to our tree house. It was as hard as I thought it would be. It tortured me to bring back all the good memories and the nice words he told me. I sat there for hours just reliving the fun times we had and all the times when we almost got caught and how we got out of situations.Out of curiosity, I opened his secret hiding spot. As my hand slipped in I was astonished to find that it wasn't empty. The two things inside felt like metal and paper.As I pulled them out, I realized there were both a note and the watch I got him. A tear came down my cheek as I stared gloomily at the watch that once made him cry out in jubilation. It was more than obvious now that he wanted everything related to me out of his life.I was impatient to read the note. On the other hand, I was too scared that I would read all the words I didn't want to hear.I opened the folded note. It was only 2 sentences long."Every time I look at our picture together I remember you, but every time I remember you, I wish that I didn't. I'll miss you." it read and signed "Love, Kev" at the end.The one tear that now dropped down to my upper lip was followed by an army of racing tears as if they were trying to capture it.Knowing that he did somewhat hate to remember me felt different to expecting that he would. I wasn't very prepared for words from him, but I had known all along that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Yet, for some reason, it seemed to me that he kept our picture together with him. That idea along with those three words I'll cherish forever, "I'll miss you" relaxed me a little. Even though he hated me, he still wanted to keep some memories of me, I guessed, or rather, hoped.I wore the watch and put the note in my wallet. The tears stopped and were now replaced with pure rage. The only reason Kevin hated me now was because of Tom and Hank. I had forgotten about them till that moment, when I thought back to why Kevin disliked me.And what about them, I asked myself. They just robbed Kev of his virginity, pride, or any last ounce of self-respect for their own amusement and what did they get in return, more time to do some Lolita Porn Pics more raping. They shattered both mine and my Kevin's life in one night."How many more times would they do it?" I wondered."How many more boys' lives will they ruin? Why are they getting away with it?"Kevin's note had toyed with my head like heroine. I couldn't care less about everything at that moment, my life, my pride, everything. Kevin was hurt and had always promised him that that wouldn't happen as long as I was there. I was, and it still happened. I let him down but I was going to do something about it.Nothing else mattered to me but to make the abusers pay. I wanted to make sure that no one would have to go through what we went through because of them. I loved my Kevin and even though I was trying to forget him, I was now more determined than ever to not let my love for him stand for nothing.I printed "A & K 4 EVER," in the corner of the tree house and went home in a frame of mind that didn't change for three days.Part 15 Those three days were spent thinking and planning. I thought about what I was doing and what I was going to do. I realized that I could end up in so much trouble, but I just didn't care anymore. I was going to do something for Kevin and decided to go to any lengths to get there, even if, in the long run, it would cost me my whole life.Ever since my childhood I'd been intrigued by detectives, clue finding, and spying. I had used my talents to get into camp where I got us all into trouble, but now, I was going to use those same skills to partially fix things. My plan was almost complete.I made numerous phone calls (from public phones for extra safety) to find out where Tom, the camp director, lived. To get that, I had to first get the camp's telephone number, which wasn't hard at all, and then through the secretary. From that point on, all I needed to do was to trick her into believing that I had a delivery for him and lost the home address with only a telephone number in hand.It was all too easy. Even though my story was not half credible, I got what I wanted. She was one dumb secretary.Anyway, now that I had the address, it was time for the spying to begin. The address was correct and Tom almost caught me staring at him as he entered his large house.Every afternoon after school, I told my mom that I would be going to basketball practice, when I was really doing some spying. I also had Saturdays and Sundays to try and figure out some sort of pattern that would help me in my quest for revenge.Lucky for me, in front of his house there was a library. Everyday, I'd check out a book on the second floor and wait for him to leave his house. I also noticed a telephone booth only a minute or two away from his home which would be a key factor in my plan.It was hard to find some sort of routine in his lifestyle even though I took lots of notes. He never left or came back home at the same time. I knew it would be tough.A week later when I was almost ready to think about giving up, something very interesting was happening. Every afternoon Lolita Porn Pics at 5, a big tough guy would join Tom to do some jogging into the woods that surrounded the back side of Tom's home. It was Hank! Yes, Hank. Fives times out of the six days I watched, they came back thirty minutes later. That one odd time, they came back in twenty, much more than the time I needed, I thought to myself. I stopped going to the library so they would not get suspicious.I couldn't believe it was Hank. I checked him out over and over again. It was him. I was going to go after him as soon as I was done with Tom, but now my job was that little bit easier. All I needed to do was act quickly and change my plan that little bit. I got what I wanted AND I was now trying to hit two birds with one stone. I wanted to pull it off so badly, it hurt.The next Wednesday I was ready to do my thing. I was so much more than ready. I had rehearsed so many times, it was now fixed deep into my head, nothing could ruin it for me except Tom or Hank's appearances themselves.I hid in the library until I saw Hank park his car and both leave the house together. I went down easily, steadily, heart thumping, and stared at his big house. He lived alone, but that didn't worry me, his neighbors did. If they caught me breaking in, I would be screwed. A good thing I realized about this one neighboring house was that its owners were pretty old and hardly ever came out at all.My initial plan was to go over the fence when no one was looking. It wasn't high at all and I was very good and fast at climbing. However, I didn't have to go through such extensive measures as I realized that one of the front windows was that little bit open.No one at all was looking, that was my chance. I took it right after I stared at the picture of Kev and me. I took one deep breath, wore my new leather gloves, and went in zooming, just like a thief would.I was straight into the living room. I looked out and made sure no one saw me. No one did, I presumed.I went up to Tom's room where I found his computer. There I hid (not too well) the film which contained the pictures I had taken of the "Brian and Jack suck off". Those could never be traced, I knew, because when I took them, I made extra sure I took no faces that could be made out or any part of the house in the background.I had, ready with me, many printed pictures of boys pornography that I managed to find on the net. I had those folded in my pocket. I took them out into my gloves, leaving no prints whatsoever on them or in the house. I put those right under the film. Last but not least, I slipped two new pairs of boys undies I managed to buy ( and make a little dirty and smelly) in the cabinet next to his bed.My attempt to get him investigated by the police had two steps left in it, the toughest of them all. One, I had to escape and two, call the police.I had watched so many movies in my teens that I was pretty sure the police, if they came, would establish him as a serious pedophile. When I think about what I did then, now, I don't really know if it was brilliant at all, but then, it was the only thing I could come up with and an attempt to Lolita Porn Pics get back at the persons who took it all away.I didn't dare go out from the window. I did, however, shut it back down to the height it was at. Afraid that they might come back suddenly and kill me, I ran out to his backyard and began climbing the fence as soon as no one was looking, at least when no one I saw was looking. As for the other people, well it didn't matter that much as I was wearing fake hair and I thought that even if the police deemed it an attempt to frame Tom, he would still be investigated and who can know what would come out of that? Just worrying him to death would satisfy me.I was free and so proud of myself."One more thing left to do," I said to myself.I went straight to the booth. It was very quiet around it, no one was even remotely close. I told myself that I could do it, but it didn't work. I was panicking. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to pull it off.I looked at my watch and hesitated. My heart sank and I began to sweat."You know this, you've done it a million times," I encouraged myself as I knew that I had already practiced so many times.I picked up the phone and called the police department.In Lolita Porn Pics all my previous training, I always told myself that I would ignore whatever is being said. All I needed to do was say what I wanted to say in a squeaky child's voice, a voice I could easily imitate. I was good at doing voices and faces.A woman answered and I tried my best not to think about what she was saying. I started panting crazily as if I have been running miles."Help, please help." I cried in a very low helpless boy's voice.I didn't let her react even though she did her best to try to calm me down and get out of me some useful information. I carried on with my story. I don't recall the exact words, but I remember trying to sound as scared as possible as I tried to convince the lady that two guys, whose names I gave her, tried to take pictures of me naked and harass me, but I ran away and they were now following me trying to kill me. I sounded so dramatic, I almost believed my own lie.The moment she was about to say something back, I shrieked, "oh my GOD," and left the phone hanging there.I ran faster than the wind and caught a taxi I took the basketball court. I had no idea how I had done. I couldn't even tell if the lady believed or not, if she would send a car over or not. I was now impatient to know the results or maybe some mistakes I had done. I knew that if I made mistakes, I was done for. It didn't really matter to me though. If I had to go to jail for the sake of putting one or two abusers in, I was more than ready.I tried to play ball and relax. I couldn't really, even though I was usually such a good player. All I could think of was those two running back home to the police. Of course, I was assuming that they would show. How could I know for sure?I went home and tried to act normal. I took pride in my day's work. Even if the police didn't go, I thought, the pics and undies would still be enough to give old Tom a little worry.I was only a teen and I had broken the system, just like in all the movies I loved to watch again and again. In those movies, though, sometimes, they get caught and sometimes they don't. My fate would be decided soon.That night I didn't sleep at all. I played what had happened again and again in my head, trying to find glitches in my plan, and trying to predict the outcomes of the events. The only thing I couldn't figure out was how to find out the outcome of my work. If it worked, it was all for Kev. Part 16My next few days after that were steady. I bought the newspaper every single day and watched the news every night hoping to hear some news about someone getting caught by the police. I thought stuff like that should be put in the news.It was and it was a glorious day. I cried out in triumph as I watched the news anchor announce that two pedophiles reported by an unknown child and charged with more than five counts of rape were sentenced to fifteen years of prison each. Only one boy of the five children testified about his rape, but that was enough to put them behind bars.I cried in joy. Neither their names nor their faces were shown, but I was sure it was them. It took almost a month of waiting and suffering, but at last I felt like I really did it. I had no one to share my happiness with and I wanted so badly to tell Kev about what I did. I wanted to let him know that people who do things like that are BAD and would be punished.I lost the war, but I did win that battle. Part 16 They deserved that time in jail. I also would have liked their friend in jail, that guy who they said would cover for them. I couldn't help but hate them for what they had done, to Kev and to all the other kids. I never did get those two completely out of my head. Sometimes I remember that night at their cabin, the night they abused Kev over and over again, and I remember what I pledged the day they got caught. No matter how much I loved or lusted after under aged boys, I would never EVER even talk to or get close to any of them. So far, I have not broken that promise.Boys, well, they're not created the way we'd like them to be. The only way such a relationship can ever occur is when the boy has vulnerabilities, certain areas where he would need someone else's care. However, any relationship whether sexual or not, when built on vulnerabilities, will either fade upon their deterioration or get destroyed by the human entourage that simply would not and will not permit it.That's the way I understand things now. I had gained so so much and lost it so soon, but it was worth it. I never regret it all. The next few years were much happier times than that gloomy period. I became good friends with Jack. He's a very nice boy when you get to know him. I did eventually pass my class that year against all odds. To my mother, it was obvious that my depression was over and done with. She was happy and relaxed with me now. As far as I know now, Tom and Hank are still doing time. The third guy, I guess, never got caught by the police. They still haunt me in my dreams, only less and less every night. My memory of them is fading. If they ever read this, well, too bad for them, because I moved very far, and there is nothing they can do about it. My social life now is improving, but nowhere near dramatically. Sexually, I still don't know where to classify myself. I guess I'm a boylover, if that's what it's called, that doesn't want to go anywhere near boys. I avoid falling in love with them as much as I can. With adults on the other hand, I'm ok. Even though guys don't really appeal to me, my few sexual encounters with them have decreased my lust Lolita Porn Pics for boys. Boylove is too complicated a matter for me, and what I could get out of all my experiences was that nine times out of ten, when you play with fire, you are going to get burnt.I still and will always love Kev more than anyone or anything, believe me or not, I don't care. All these years, I have been trying to find him, and I couldn't. On the net or through my mom, I am getting nowhere. Hope, though, is still with me that one day I'll check my mail and receive an email from him, or that one day, Kev, you'll read this story, you'll forgive for telling everyone about what I did to you and you'll know that this was never a teenage fling or some moronic analogy to love, this is me pouring out my guilt, my shame, my joy, my troubles, my admiration, my sorrow, and ultimately my eternal love for you, my soulmate...A & K 4 EVER
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