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【考研英语】《考研真相》2000年考研英语真题-捕鱼业发展-读者写作练习修改与点评

(2011-10-25 11:47:48)
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写作160篇

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考研英语《写作160篇》话题图画作文之真题写作读者写作练习

【写作原文】

希望可以指正语言以及写作思路!非常感谢~

 

第一篇 2000年考题

76. Directions:


【考研英语】《考研真相》2000年考研英语真题-捕鱼业发展-读者写作练习修改与点评




 

 

[A] Study the following two pictures carefully and write an essay of at least 150 words.
[B] Your essay must be written neatly on ANSWER SHEET 2. (15 points)
[C] Your essay should meet the requirements below:
1. Describe the pictures.
2. Deduce the purpose of the drawer of the pictures.
3. Suggest counter-measures.

 

 

This is a thought-provoking picture. In the above picture, we can see that there were only one fishing-boat per unit volume with a lot of fish in 1900, while the below picture suggests there was only one fish per unit volume as there were lots of fishing-boats in 1995. what a big comparation!

We can easily figure that there are more fishing than before. As a result, few fish left for they couldn’t breed well. Clealy, what human pursue is profit. They never mind of the balance of the nature cycle. In their view, more fish, more money. As time goes by, the hamper of breeding leads to a lack of fish in ammont. Ten years destory, more than a centry to restore.

To restrain the sea ecology from being more destroied, we should legislate the fishing law. people can’t fish in the breeding season, even in the harvest season, fishing number should under certain limitation. What is more, we can eat fish of artidicial breeding instead of wild one. For the past wrong behaviors, human need to do much effort to balance the sea cycle.

 

 

本文我写的时候的观点是:过去捕鱼人少鱼多,现在人多鱼少,这是由于利益的驱使。过分捕鱼导致生态失调,我们应该立法限制捕鱼时间和数量,以恢复海洋生态。

 

【范文点评】

【第一段点评】

This is a thought-provoking picture. In the above picture, we can see that there were only one fishing-boat per unit volume with a lot of fish in 1900, while the below picture suggests there was only one fish per unit volume as there were lots of fishing-boats in 1995. what a big comparation!

首段描述漫画内容,通过同一水域不同年份的鱼量与捕鱼船的数量差别,展现了捕鱼业过度发展的问题。

①句中说了a picture,而②句的描述则有两幅漫画(in the above picture… the below picture),上下产生了矛盾,因此这里可以将②句中的picture替换为part,表示一副漫画里的上下两部分。

②句中第一个there be句型中将were替换为was,与表语单数one fishing-boat保持一致。

below没有形容词的词性,因此不能置于picture之前,可替换为while the part below suggests…

③句的祈使句用得很好,将漫画的对比特点凸现出来,也是文章更加生动鲜明。What首字母要大写。

   

【第二段点评】

We can easily figure that there are more fishing than before. As a result, few fish left for they couldn’t breed well. Clealy, what human pursue is profit. They never mind of the balance of the nature cycle. In their view, more fish, more money. As time goes by, the hamper of breeding leads to a lack of fish in ammont. Ten years destory, more than a centry to restore.

二段联系现实,分析捕鱼过度的原因与危害。

①句fishing是一个抽象名词,因此这种用法在逻辑上不通,要将fishing替换为fishing boats或者其他与捕鱼相关的实义名词。than before表示一种比较关系,因此在句中加上表示“现在;当前”的词语,其对比关系会更加清晰明确。

②句表意不明,有歧义,需要重新整理句子结构。

③句clearly,⑥句amount,⑦句destroycentury拼写错误。

④句mind作“介意;在意”时是及物动词,去掉介词of。建议将of the nature cycle替换为between the economic growth and ecological system,表示“人们不管经济增长与生态系统之间的平衡”,这样更能突出主题,也是balance常见的用法(表示某两者之间的平衡)。

⑤句表达过于简单,没有谓语动词,对复合句使用的体现不足。

⑥句的俗语使用的不错,为文章增色不少。

hamper表示“阻止;阻碍”时作动词用,因此这里使用错误,可将hamper替换为mistake,表示错误的做法。

根据俗语,整个句子应使用将来时态表示现在的做法会在将来体现出其弊端,因此leads to改为will lead to

⑦句是明显的汉语式表达,不符合英语语法和逻辑关系。可以改为:

The influence of damage within ten years is far more than the one of remediation during a century.

该段在句式的使用上有些欠缺,句子多为成分单一的简单句,无法体现出考研英语写作在大体方向上的要求,且句子基本的语法错误较多,一些句子由于成分残缺混乱而无法构成一个完整的句子,表意不明,增加了作文的理解难度。这些都很容易使阅卷老师给出低分。

 

【第三段点评】

To restrain the sea ecology from being more destroied, we should legislate the fishing law. people can’t fish in the breeding season, even in the harvest season, fishing number should under certain limitation. What is more, we can eat fish of artidicial breeding instead of wild one. For the past wrong behaviors, human need to do much effort to balance the sea cycle.

三段提出解决措施,人们应从多方面着手限制不合理捕捞,保护鱼类正常繁殖。

①句中restrain from doing的句型用得不错。

漫画没有强调水域是sea这一概念,直接使用water即可。 ecology表示“生态学”,这里可使用ecotope of water表示河流海洋等的生态环境。destroy的过去分词形式为destroyed

legislate“立法;制定法律”与law“法律”在意思上有所重复,这里可替换为we should legislate to restrict excessive fishing,表示“立法以限制过量捕鱼”。

②句people首字母大写。number不表示“数量;数额”,这里将其替换为amount,即the amount of fishingshould后跟动词原形be

③句artidicial为拼写错误,句子表意不明。

④句balance的用法同前面点评,可将这里改为to balance the relationship between human and nature

 

 

【整体点评】

该篇练习在整体结构框架上都基本符合要求,有些词组句式的使用也比较好,为作文增色不少,但是在写作中还存在以下问题:

1. 细节问题。作文中有几处拼写、大小写等比较明显的细节错误。

2. 有些词汇和句式的搭配欠妥,有汉语思维的痕迹和语法上的错误。

3. 举例不当,没有抓住漫画的主题。

综上所述,在写作时一定要养成检查的好习惯,对段落的框架、词汇的使用、句子的逻辑性和前后关系都要仔细检查,从中尽可能多的消灭掉错误,避免不必要的失分。

若要提高句子和整个文章的质量,还是要多进行写作练习。在使用《写作160篇》的过程中,一方面要注重积累掌握好词好句的用法,积累素材,增强语感,减少简单的语法错误,加强自己在句式表达上的准确性和精彩性(积累素材主要是通过大量词汇句式的积累和运用逐渐形成一套自己的模板,这样也就不用担心和别的同学有所重复);另一方面还要加强对话题的思考,总结例文的思路内容,拓展自己的思维,从思想上提高作文的含金量。这两点也解决了你在邮件中提出的三个问题。

 

 

 

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