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4 Not-Obvious Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble

(2014-08-16 10:25:20)
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情感

夫妻关系

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4个不明显迹象表明你的婚姻出现问题

0816bil04-pic

4 Not-Obvious Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble
4个不明显迹象表明你的婚姻出现问题

Unfortunately, there’s no alarm that magically signals the start of relationship problems. Usually, problems creep up on a couple, affecting their lives in ways that seemingly have little to do with the relationship.
不幸的是,从来都不存在预示一段关系出现问题的神奇警报。有时,问题是悄无声息地出现在两人之间,以一种似乎与婚姻无关的方式影响着他们的生活。

After several exchanges where he feels disrespected by his wife, a husband may suddenly begin to find reasons to spend more and more time at work. A wife, feeling lonely and unimportant, may begin to have a short fuse with the kids and her husband. And this hypothetical couple may have no idea their workaholic or irritable tendencies actually stem from their relationship problems.
经过几次交流,丈夫深感妻子对自己的不尊重,因此他可能会突然在工作上投入更多的时间。而这时妻子会感到孤独,感到自己不被重视,她很可能开始在孩子和丈夫身上发脾气。这对假设中的夫妻可能并不知道他们的工作狂和易怒倾向是由夫妻问题引起的。

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to detect relationship problems before they do lasting damage to your life, your well-being, or your relationship itself?
在夫妻问题持久损害你的生活,健康以及双方关系之前,如果有一种方法可以把这些问题提前测出来,这样岂不是很棒?

Relationship researcher, John Gottman, investigated just that by observing and comparing patterns of behavior in happy vs. unhappy couples. He came up with four behaviors which he dubbed, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and concluded these are the behaviors that best predict deterioration of relationships. Here are Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, AKA “four not-obvious signs your relationship is in trouble.”
夫妻关系研究专家约翰高特曼通过研究对比关系破裂和关系融洽夫妻双方的行为模式。他总结出了四种行为,并戏称其为“四骑士启示录”。约翰高特曼认为这是最能体现出关系恶化的几种行为,这四种不明显迹象却能预示你的婚姻出现问题。”

1. You criticize
1. 你喜欢批评

Criticism is a destructive relationship habit. Criticism means putting down your partner’s character or behavior. Instead of criticism, healthy couples explain how they feel and make direct requests. In healthy couples, critical comments such as, ”You never do the dishes,” are replaced with I-statements and direct requests such as, “I feel overwhelmed when I come home to a messy kitchen. Could you please put your dishes in the dishwasher before I get home?” If you want to rid your relationship of criticism, practice beginning your statements with, “I feel…” and then ask your partner for what you want directly.
批评是破坏婚姻关系的不良习惯。批评意味着把你伴侣的性格和作为不放在眼里。关系融洽的夫妻他们往往不会责备对方,那他们是如何直接提要求的?在关系良好的夫妻中,批评时不会说“你从来都不洗碗”,而是用第一人称,并且直接这么说:“当我回家看到一片狼藉的厨房时,我会感到不知所措。你能在我回家之前将盘碗放进洗碗机吗。”如果你不想在婚姻关系中出现批评,那么请以“我感觉……”作为交谈的开端,接着直接告诉伴侣你想要什么。

2. You hold contempt
你轻视对方

Contempt is any form of disrespect or ridicule. It can be name-calling, belittling, sarcasm or any other communication meant to show disgust, disregard or disdain. According to Gottman, contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. Healthy couples think in terms of other-appreciation and self-responsibility, and are able to truly validate and empathize with another person. If you want to rid your relationship of contempt, these mindsets and skills do much to fight off the second horseman.
轻视是任何形式的不尊重与嘲笑。它可以是辱骂,贬低,讽刺或其他任何表现厌恶,无视和蔑视的形式。据高特曼说,轻视是离婚最大预示。关系融洽的夫妇会欣赏他人和自我负责,并且做到真正体验和同情他人。如果不想要轻视出现在你们夫妻之间,这些观念和方法能够击退它。

3. You are defensive
3. 你好自我防御

Defensiveness is exactly as it sounds: Automatically defending your position. This occurs at the expense of understanding or validating the other person’s position, and is usually a trigger for the other person to also become defensive. Examples of defensiveness are making excuses for your behavior, changing the subject to what your partner did wrong, and justifying your behavior. Instead of being defensive, healthy couples practice daring to see the others’ statements as understandable and true according to their partners’ perspective.
防御确实像它听起来那样:自动捍卫你的地位。这会以理解或证实对方观点为代价,并且通常是触发对方自开始自我防卫的导火索。防御包括为自己的行为找借口,证明对方错误,证实自己行为正确的借口。关系融洽的夫妻不会有防御性,他们会根据对方的观点来审视对方可理解的和正确的话语。

4. You stonewall
4. 你经常小心翼翼

“Stonewalling” is withdrawing from the conversation or from the relationship for the sake of avoiding conflict. This could occur in the form of “the silent treatment,” walking away, leaving the house, refusing to talk, or nonsensical mutterings. The solution to “stonewalling” is self-awareness and self-control to indicate that you are too upset to speak constructively, but would be willing to come back to the conversation after a given amount of cool-down time (20 minutes to a few hours). Thus, there is no avoiding the topic or the relationship partner. A relationship without stonewalling is a relationship in which problems and conversations are addressed instead of being swept under the rug or ignored.
为了避免冲突,不论是谈话还是夫妻关系都变得小心翼翼。你可能“置之不理”,走开,离开家,拒绝交流甚至无意义的喃喃自语。解决凡事小心翼翼的方法是加强自我意识与自我控制,你太难过而说不出具有建设性的话语,但是如果给出一段冷静时间(20分钟或几个小时),你会回来继续交谈。因此,不要逃避话题和伴侣。问题和谈话应该得到足够重视,而不至于被掩盖或是被忽视。

If any of these signs sound like a habit of yours or your partner, the good news is, researchers have found couples are able to change these habits with guidance and practice. Couples counseling may be a helpful way to learn and practice alternative communication strategies if you notice any of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” trampling over your relationship.
如果上述任何迹象听起来都像是你和你伴侣的习惯,不用着急,好消息来了。研究员已经发现,在指导和实践下,夫妻可以改变这些习惯。如果你注意到上述四个方面任何一项毁坏你们夫妻的话,夫妻咨询可能是学习和实践其他交流策略的有用方法。

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