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To win at marriage, learn to lose

(2009-06-11 12:14:00)
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杂谈

       

To win at marriage, learn to lose


Knowing how to argue with your spouse is the cement of a successful partnership

 

 

Having been married for more than 40 years, I can prove the truth of the following statement: to excel in the art of domestic argument, one must master the art of losing.

 

 

Modern psychologists are taken with the "win-win" solution. But in marriage, success lies more in "lose-lose" solution. Out of these, both parties can win. For in the love configuration, losing gives a gift that always returns.

 

 

 

The issues that people argue over most in marriage, such as how to spend money, often aren't the real ones. The key issue is: who is going to be in control? When I was younger, my need to control arose out of fear, a lack of trust, insecurity. Finally I realized I didn't need to control my wife—that, indeed, I ought not to control her, that I couldn't control her, and that if I tried to, I would destroy our marriage.

 

 

 

Giving up control is often confused with weakness. But the winner in a domestic argument is never really the winner. When you win a battle and your partner submits, you have, paradoxically, lost.

 

 

 

What is it we want most from a marriage? To love and be loved. To be happy and secure. To grow, to discover. A love relationship is the garden in which we plant, cultivate and harvest the most precious of crops, our own self, and in which our spouse is provided the same rich soil in which to bloom.

 

 

 

We cannot obtain what we want unless our partner also gets what he or she wants. A woman may, for instance, want to go to the symphony. Her husband might hate symphonise. But by spending a few hours listening to music he doesn't care for, he can bring joy to his partner. That is a pretty cheap price to pay for joy, isn't it?

 

 

 

When anger is hurled at us, it hurts us. If it were a pistol, I would insist anger, like control, be checked at the door. But anger can also be a response to pain. So when your spouse responds in anger, you must terminate the argument. It's that simple: the argument must end because another person may be in pain.

 

 

 

Try this: let a little space occur between you. Let the storm recede a little. Then tell your partner you understand that when a person is angry, it means she's been hurt, and that you want to do something about it because you love her.

 

 

 

Perhaps she'll tell you why she's hurt—angrily. Try not to be put off, but to hear the anger an sounds of hurt. When you discover the pain, you can address its cause, and the anger will begin to fade.

 

 

 

You're allowed to get angry too. But dumping anger on your partner is a poor way to comfort your hurt. When you talk of you hurt without anger, an unangry response usually comes.

 

 

 

So remember: if you want to overcome anger in your relationship, search for the hurt. If you want to feel loved and respected, give up control. And if you want to win arguments at home, learn to lose them.

 

 

 

在婚姻关系中要先学会输才能赢

 

知道如何与你的配偶争论是成功的终生伙伴关系的黏合剂

 

 

 

四十多年的婚姻生活使我能够证明下面这一说法的真实性:要想在家庭争论中有所擅长的话,你必须掌握输的艺术。

 

 

 

现代心理学家们对"双赢"解决办法很感兴趣。但在婚姻中,成功更取决于"双输"解决办法。有了这些解决方案,双方就都能获胜。因为在爱的关系中,输是送出一份总会有回报的礼物。

 

 

 

婚姻关系中人们争论最多的问题——如钱该怎么花——经常并不是真正的问题。关键问题是:谁将掌握控制权?年轻一些的时候,我对控制权的需要源于害怕、缺乏信任和没有安全感。最后我终于意识到我不需要控制我妻子——实际上我不应该控制她,我也不可能控制她,如果我试图控制她,我会毁了我们的婚姻。

 

 

 

放弃控制权经常被与软弱混为一谈。但是家庭之争中的胜利者从来都不是真正的胜利者。你在赢得斗争而你的伴侣屈服时,你已经输了。这听起来似乎自相矛盾,却千真万确。

 

 

 

我们在婚姻中最想得到的是什么?爱与被爱。幸福与安全。成长、发现。爱的关系是一个花园,我们在其中种植、培育和收获最珍贵的作物——我们自己,我们的配偶在这个花园里得到同样肥沃的土壤可以蓬勃发展。

 

 

 

只有当我们的配偶也心愿得偿时,我们才可能心愿得偿。例如,一位妇女可能想去听交响乐而她的丈夫则痛恨交响乐。但是,花几个小时听他不喜欢的音乐,他可以给自己的伴侣带来快乐。 为得到这份快乐所付出的代价并不高,不是吗?

 

 

 

当愤怒发泄到我们身上时,他会伤害我们。如果愤怒是手枪,我会坚持要求将愤怒和控制欲一样拒之于门外。但愤怒也可能是对痛苦作出的反应。因此,当你的配偶作出愤怒的反应时,你必须让争论结束。就这么简单,争论必须结束,因为另一个人正处于痛苦之中。

 

 

 

试着这样做:让你们之间产生一点距离。让风暴消退一点。然后告诉你的配偶:你明白一个人生气意味着受到了伤害,而你想对此做点什么,因为你爱她。

 

 

 

也许她会告诉你她为什么感到受了伤害——非常愤怒的告诉你。尽量不要在意,而是将愤怒看作是受到了伤害的表现。当你发现痛苦之后,你可致力于解决造成痛苦的根源,愤怒就会开始消退。

 

 

 

你也有权生气。但将愤怒发泄在伴侣身上是一种拙劣的抚慰伤痛的办法。在你不带怒气的谈起你受到的伤害时,通常会得到不带怒气的反应。

 

 

 

因此请记住:如果你想在你们的关系中消除怒火,请寻找伤痛。如果你想感到被爱、被尊重,就放弃控制权。如果你想在家庭争论中获胜,就得学会在争论中认输。

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