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Spiritual Partnership: Truth & Traps of Growing Together

(2012-02-15 17:25:46)
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情感

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Spiritual Partnership: Truth & Traps of Growing Together

 

By Hongyi Chen & Pingzhen Cheng

    I love you

  Not only for what

  You have made of yourself,

  But for what

  You are making of me.

  I love you

  For the part of me

That you bring out;

……

From the spiritual dimension, this poem of Roy Croft directly captures the spiritual essence of true love. However, we are now living in a period in which terms like “love”or “spiritual partner”are watered downed & compressed without much validity & living juice . Yet, this is also a very special period in China in which the essence of Eastern spirituality is being brought back by modern cultural exchange with the West through the universal new age of spiritual renaissance. Therefore, it would be very beneficial to combine true meditation & spiritual practice into personal relationships & marriages. As a practitioner of this path, after seeing through much facades & shadows, truth has been revealing to me that much of the happenings within a relationship are simultaneous flows without much personal control. Many times, the cluelessness & out of control within a relationship can drive the practitioner to the verge of sanity & yet, at the moment when one is capable of letting go of expectations & fantasies, true intimacy within the loved ones & with the truth would both occur.

Any serious spiritual seeker would know that relationships are reflections of the inner self. Through the depth of a relationship, we are capable of seeing the deeper self including all personality imprints imposed by the different layers of the “Super Self” ever since childhood & may even possibly see through the illusive & false nature of the ego. No one can claim to be a “relationship expert”. We are always novices in front of love. Most of us only like the smoothness of if & dislike being captured by a short death of the ego & yet, our ego’s “survival plans” are always, always being challenged by the intensity of love & its hidden complexity. As an early result of a spiritual partnership, the nakedness of fragileness & impermanency is always exposed, regardless of how much sweetness the partnership contains.

 

The fragileness of walking up in clouds

Even though most relationships & marriages are united by intents of mutual growth, & yet we are all human. Human eyes are always fooled by the romantic “first looks” of a relationship. It is quite common that both partners always project much extra hopes & expectations toward their new life & yet, once the new constricted reality is being experienced, disappointments & frustrations are intensified in their “new” life as well.

My husband & I had a karmically romantic connection & yet, after 3 yeas of living together, we started to sense the danger of something “unsettled” about the relationship. In the beginning, men are always “Mr.Right” within the female’s eyes &the weakness of feminine energy is the natural tendency of wanting to please & go along with Mr.Right. The feminine sensitivity & embracing quality can also make the error of neglecting the voice of the inner self. (or “Inner Child” in some schools of psychology representing the tender part of the inner psych). Even very independent & opinionated females are not excluded.  When neglected feelings are repeatedly stored, all the inner complains & dissatisfactions can just explode by some minor stuff “Mr.Wrong” unintentionally commits.

We shall known, there is neither the pure existence of a saint or a scoundrel within Mr.Right or Ms. Right. Like Philip Claude said he hasn’t seen a pure unforgiven nor a Saint. Each of us is only a Gray Soul. This is a fact along the journey of the soul’s evolution. We are the process of groups of sub-personalities or small “i”s evolving toward the real “I”, evolving through the vehicles of relationships. This process may also be seen as the self-revealing of the real “I”. Through this revealing, the false mask constructed through years & generations of family & social back ground can be illuminated & transformed. Among a society that is socially & culturally disassociated, a spiritual partnership is undoubtedly the first choiceless choice for the great process of personality alchemy. When the honeymoon is over, your partner is the one who can constantly irritate your defeated emotion, & he will always say “this is good for you!”.

This is the sweet challenge from the love up in the clouds. You need to watch the moment to moment flow under your feet, to prevent from the danger of falling down to the old ego. You may be sweet & quiet before, but you will find yourself to be more sentimental, co-depended, controlling & anxious. You will discover that it is much more difficult recognizing your own hypocricy than dealing with all the garbage balls Mr.Change throws at you because most of us have tremendous degree of unconscious narcissism & self-hatred. How do we go through this period? Sorry, this is no easy way or shortcut.  The only spiritual reminder is to NOT forget the primary IMPERSONAL INTENT of being together & growing together. If spiritual partners do choose to believe in this INTENT, we need to be ready to reveal our tenderness & wounds, this fragileness. This fragileness is not self-pettieness or begging. Quite the opposite, it is the willingness to “consciously suffer” (as addressed by Gurdjieff),the willingness to get out of illusions, the willingness to share the unlovable parts of the self & accepting the parts that's NOT right about Mr.Right. It is a self-wakeup call: Your lover is not here to serve your inner poverty. He has his own complete living elements & he may not even belong to you.

Only by opening ourselves, light can come though. The more fragileness is allowed to reveal, the more we can see through our own lies & defense mechanism. When we know THY self more, the inner qualities of a relationship can reveal THY truth more. Because of the nature of impermanency, we will NOT be trapped neither. Haha.

 

The Unconditional Trust

When you meet him or her & start a relationship you simply dive in but what is unexpected is that he is just a movie screen.  All rich figures & complexities are simply your own projections. Finally you discover that the one which you truly love is actually yourself & you would sayoh God, I wish I would known earlier.

While growing up, the difficulty of playing different social characters had taken our joy & simplicity away long ago. All we have been working hard on has been playing the “correct” role to soothe the eyes of our parents, bosses & lovers without much original aliveness & child-like spontaneity. When one becomes more spiritually conscious & self-accepting, one would easily discover that to search for the other half is only extra since in a realized living, love & self-respect are fully contained. There is no longer the need to project, attain or claim ownership of anything. Most times, realized livings do contain intimate relationships because the beautiful qualities in realized lives are always available to be shared by others & those impersonal qualities in their gardens are deathless.

After a few years of arguing & polishing the edges, our spiritual partnership is capable of manifesting its rich quality more & more. The focusing pts between the partners is starting to expand greater & it is no longer stranded on the tragic of the wounded egos. True care toward others is ready to take birth. The miracle is that once our conscious space is developed greater including our rational level,  greater feelings of “being loved”&“universal existence” would continuously flow toward us through all directions beyond time & space. We start to care about others’ existence more than our personal feeling. True support & friendship will start to develop & we would no longer need to live in constrictions & fear.

We need trust, unconditional trust when allow the other to be himself. The other layer of “trust”is to “let go”. We surrender our control to the power of unknown. We may first discuss or promise certain limits within a spiritual partnership & then leave the freedom to the partner to work on actualizing himself. To work on this aspect, our unconscious part will be touched & activated. Karmic patterns & forces from ages would go loose & occasionally strong emotions of power control & struggles between partners will occur. However, nothing will be capable of moving the great base of being together & growing together. The linking force to this miracle is the Blue Ribbon of Trust. (Buddhism use “blue” to represent Emptiness, the great nature of openness & allowance of all great possibilities of inner growth.)

For both partners within a relationship, love is to exist fully with great ease.

 

Have fun in freedom

Sexual intimacy does not represent full intimacy. It’s only natural laws of the animal world. True intimacy requires the complete allowance & complete acceptance of each others’differences which requires the sharing of the true selves & inner feelings at all times. True love is a work of Alchemy. The Alchemy is a process of extracting impersonal courage, detachment & compassion out from personalities or the small “i”s. There is no perfect relationship because there are always believers of ideal love incapable of surrendering to the truth.

I know a highly educated couple,L&K with good social background. Mr.L had an affair after feeling tasteless within the marriage. He deeply regrets & confessed to his wife K & they went in cold war afterward. After half year, I realized that they made up & were even more intimate than before & had more harmony & topics to share with me. First I thought it was due to the husband’s apology & negociation but later I discovered that Mr.L’s conduct made K to realize that she did not really know him nor herself. Bearing the wound, she made a difficult choice to forgive him & to forgive herself even more. The other fact was that before his affair, she was already considering about ending the marriage & go with another long term admirer from her company. It was her sub-conscious resentment toward the marriage that created the later difficulty. After that, they rediscovered much common goodness through deep communication & valued the relationship more than before. If the same incident happens to another couple that was not interested on “inner work”, the result may be very different.

 

       Emotion is another great challenge in troubled relationships. Many books are on how to observe & deal with emotion. We all have been slaves of emotion. The rich emotional resource & fantasy potential makes female easily falling into good storylines of helplessness & complains. Running away from or fighting with emotion are both useless acts of wasting energy. Either you agree or not, going beyond sentimentality & co-dependency is the work for every female.

       Before, when I faced emotional obstacles, my first response had always been using methods to solve the emotion. Once solution is not met, my feelings of hopelessness & defeat would grow stronger. Now I discovered that I have more choices of strength. I now simply pay less attention on fronting it. I observe it without suppressing & allow its energy to naturally rise, fall & dissolve. Many times, the more we tried to use a method to solve the emotion the more we are solidifying the obstacle of the emotion & therefore strengthening the false “I” which is being controlled by emotion. The nature of emotion is impermanency It is also part of the empty nature. Finally, we will all get it.

   

And for drawing out

  Into the light

  All the beautiful belongings

  That no one else had looked

Quite far enough to find.

 

       After years of relationship, we are finally able to discover the fun of marriage. Even all the awkward moments within a marriage contains lots of fun. It is quite difficult to consider how anything perfect can bring us great joy & beauty. Within the imperfections of the self & the marriage, we discover incredible beauty & miracles. Imperfection represents growth, challenge, evolution& liveliness. Discovering all these hidden possibilities from the other half has been great joy. My husband & I would visit every zoo in every new city & always joyfully recognizing some kind of animal feature from one another. If you wish, life is never boring.

 

Like Bertrand Russell wrote:

I have known you,

And, knowing you,

I have found both ecstasy and peace

I know rest.

After so many lonely years

I know what life and love may be.

Now, if I sleep,

I shall sleep fulfilled.

Within joy, the promised “forever” is no longer as far as we felt before. Thanks to my husband & thanks to myself. Both shadow & light within us had allowed me to experience great humor & great potential of being born as a human. Thank you.

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