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Divorce In China

(2011-03-24 15:13:30)
标签:

divorce

in

china

杂谈

Several days ago, I happened to find a blog article about the increase in divorce rate among the eighties and the parents become the main reason for the divorce, as rumor has it. Why is that? As a matter of fact, to me, divorce in China is not an age problem but a social problem, the tolerance of xiao san (mistress) culture, the quick accumulation of wealth and etc.

Among all the divorce cases I have been engaged in, the reasons that cause the death of marriage may vary but the following factors are to a certain extent the marriage killer.

1. Lack of understanding

This may sound unbelievable but this is the truth. With the quick development of the economy in China, the time between courting to marriage seems to be greatly shortened. Some young couple at eighties just get married without even knowing what marriage really means and who the other party really is. Like my cousin, he met his wife through a match maker and she is his first love. They get married within one year but the marriage turns out to be a disaster especially after the baby girl is born and the wife and the mother in law are changed into persons who my cousin barely know, keeping on asking money from my uncle, lazy, nagging and never caring about my cousin. I could hardly believe my eye when the wife, sitting at the plaintiff’s place, pointed fingers at my cousin, asking for the end of the marriage and crying out how much she had suffered. The marriage has torn open the disguise. In another case, a girl at early eighties married to a guy without even knowing the guy had a divorce history. The marriage ends up a big fight at court between the two families and it turns out the husband kept on cheating her ever since the baby girl was born. Marriage is no longer considered so sacred as it used to be and sometimes marriage becomes an end of all the disguises and sweet talks. So think twice before act. Have a good understanding of your future partner including the background and the family. Of course, long time courting does not mean a good understanding. One of my friends married her husband after a ten year marathon romance in May but wanted a divorce in September of the same year. Oddly, even if the two have ten year romance, they never got to know each other’s background and the family. The young couple had believed naively ten year might be sufficient for a successful marriage but the fight for the apartment purchasing, the decoration loan and etc ends up with a divorce. Marriage is no longer two persons’ own affair in China and it involves too much

2. the difference between two families

China has a famous saying “marrying into a proper family”. This may be a cliché but is a truth. The gap between the two families of young husband and wife sometimes will destroy the equal status between the couple, causing the imbalance in the marriage life and as a result, kill the marriage. We all like the Cinderella and prince story but the combination of the two is only the start of the marriage life. The whole marriage is always in a comparatively balanced stage and if the gap between Cinderella and prince, either in wealth or in social status can not be made up, trust me, the marriage may not last long. Cinderella is a fairy tale but marriage is real life. When the mystery of marriage disappears, mutual respect is a key to a successful marriage and mutual respect is based on equal status of the two parties. If that balance is broken, marriage is on the verge of breaking.

However, in real life, it seems Cinderella dream is quite popular and to marry second rich generation or official generation seems to be a shortcut to live a better life. But there is no shortcut in marriage and the ever popular pre-nuptial agreement indicates another problem, distrust of the marriage ever before the marriage takes place. Pre-nuptial agreement is no new thing in other countries but in China, it is an audacious idea as it directly challenges the Chinese tradition that marriage is too sacred to be connected with Money. Nowadays, the motive will be doubted when a poor young man or a poor young woman marries a 2nd rich generation or a 2nd official generation. Distrust, like a curse, tortures the marriage and for those who fail to pass the torture, the marriage will be broken.

3. the change of life

Among all the couples I met, one couple made very deep impression on me. The couple used to work at the same place and they used to live with their parents in law after marriage. The husband came to the bigger city for development and had become a sales director in a big company. He persuaded the wife to come to the same city and found a job for the wife. Later, the wife’s parents move to the same apartment with the couple. After the reunion and the settlement, the couple starts quarrel from time to time. Later, the quarrel evolves into bodily conflict and the police are called in. The marriage comes to an end several months after the wife moved out with the parents and the daughter.

Well, life for the family is getter better while the marriage comes to an end. The wife does not realize that the husband she married was no longer the young man who is willing to share the same roof with the parents in law and who had no background nor experiences. The wife still wants to be the one at home who gives order and who will have the final say. And the husband now is the bread winner and will not tolerate the “bullying” of the wife and the parents in law any longer. Any confrontation between the couple will be considered by the wife and her parents as the challenge to their authority at home. The marriage, unavoidably, will collapse.

Life ever changes and how marriage can survive the changes of life remains a mystery with no definite answers.

4. the involvement of the parents

The marriage should be two persons’ business and why the involvement of the parents?

Since when, apartment (fangzi), car (che zi) and money (piao zi), the three zi have become the prerequisite conditions for marriage and for those at eighties, to afford the three zi without the support from the parents seem to be a miracle. With economic involvement of the parents, the involvement in the young couple’s daily life seems to be unavoidable. Whenever a quarrel happens between the couple, the fire will soon expand to the parents and a quarrel will easily evolve into an all round war between the two families. The family who contributes more to the three zi will feel they are taken advantage of and the family who contributes less will feel being insulted. The trivial matter will be enlarged into an event in serious nature. When that happens, the priority of the two families is not to make peach but how to protect their own economic interest in the future division of the properties if divorce takes place.

Sadly, the marriage breaks up with bitterness and resentment between the two families.

5. extra marital affairs or domestic violence

As per a research report, domestic violence and extra marital affairs are two top marriage killers.

For domestic violence, the court will find the victim party may not have sufficient evidences to support their claim as the disclosure of a skeleton in a cupboard means the face lost. Last year, a girl was beaten to death by the husband whom was sentenced to prison of seven years for maltreatment crime, which causes hot debate from the society. I have never met a victim from domestic violence for divorce and all I can say about domestic violence is that sometimes all the victim needs is a little courage.

The word “Xiao San” (little three) has become a well known word in China and what is dreadful about Xiao San (mistress) is that almost every Xiao San wants the legal status of a wife finally, no matter how much love she had for the man at the first time. In China, the Xiao San seems to become a culture to a certain extent and Xiao San who used to be the rich man’s game now becomes the game both for the rich and the poor. The reasons for man to looking for a mistress are different but the low cost to cheat on marriage under Chinese law seems to accelerate the increase of Xiao San. To have a mistress does not necessarily bring about a divorce since the chance for a man to desert his original wife for the mistress is not so big. But when the Xiao San is pregnant, the marriage will be doomed to break up. What is especially true is that when the Xiao San delivers a baby boy to a rich family with no son. Son preference is still popular in China and to have a son means a world lot to a man with a great career and a good fortune. In one of my cases, the husband chooses the mistress over the wife for a very good reason is that the mistress has given birth to a boy while the couple has only two daughters. This may seem ridiculous to many outsiders but the concept to have a son to carry on his family name is deeply rooted in Chinese culture.

It is normal that crisis will occur during the marriage and when that happens, what needs to be done is not to play the blame the game but to calm yourself down and think how to get through the crisis. The complaint, the resentment and the anger will do nothing helpful but will accelerate the estrangement between you and your partner. Play clever and even divorce happens, at least what you deserve is a divorce with dignity.

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