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苍白的阴影

A Whiter Shade Of Pale  

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爸爸，我答应过你，不会再伤心难过。可是想起你，我不觉泪流满面。假如眼泪能够构造通天的梯子和记忆的车道，假如思念能够铺成通往天国的路，我会不顾一切径直走入天国，再次把你带回家。

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今天是我爸爸的第十天祭祀日。爸爸的离去，在我的生活中是一个巨大的打击。情感上的冲击和麻木虽然不再那么强烈了，但疼痛仍然很原始。我知道这将是很难，但我没有想到失落和空虚感是如此强烈。以后我可能会哭的少一点，但心仍然会很疼，因为我不能再见到他！

昨天晚上，我做了一个关于我爸爸自从他去世后的第一次梦…我的记忆很模糊，但我听到了他说的一句话：“如果你的亲生父母已经做的很好，我能帮你”。我不知道这是否只是一个虚构的我自己的想象或是我一直想听到的，但我觉得它是如此真实，…当我醒来时，我感到胸口一阵疼痛的感觉。

爸爸永远是我的英雄。有时我真希望我能和他多呆一天，无非是想跟他谈谈。我想念他的声音。今天，我在爸爸留下的一些东西里发现了他的老式手表，这让我很伤心。我记得他曾经很喜欢老式表和留声机等什么的。我现在很想看到我爸爸的更多的东西。

我爱你爸爸…我是如此爱你和想念你。

我永远是你的儿子伊利卡！！！

（注，伊利卡是我的昵称，我的爸爸和其他亲人，以及我的最好的朋友都叫我伊利卡）

2013年7月22日。

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请不要站在我的墓前哭泣

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请不要站在我的墓前哭泣，

我不在那里，我没有长眠。

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我在迎面吹来的千万缕微风里，

我在轻轻飘落的雪花里。

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我是温柔的雨丝，

我是成熟的谷物。

我是黎明的寂静，

我是空中盘旋的美丽的鸟儿-

和它优美的舞姿。

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我是夜空里闪烁的星光。

我是绽放的鲜花，

我在静怡温馨的家里。

我在鸟儿的鸣唱声里，

我在一切美好的事物里...

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Dad, I promised you will not be sad. but every time I think about you, I always burst into tears. If tears could build a stairway, and thoughts a memory lane, and If remember fondly can road to paved heaven, I'd will be desperate to go into the kingdom of heaven and bring you home again
 

 A Whiter Shade Of Pale

Today was my daddy's tenth fete days. dad's departure, was a huge blow in my life. the shock and numbness are wearing off but the pain is still very raw. i knew it would be hard but i didn't anticipate how strong the feelings of loss and emptiness would be. i might cry a little less, but it still hurts so much, because what i wouldn't give to see him again!

Last night, i had a dream about my dad for the first time since he died... my memory was so vague but had heard him say the word "If your birth parents had been doing well, i could have helped you" . i don't know whether it was just a figment of my own imagination or it was something i was meant to hear, but i feel it is so real,... And when i woke up, i felt a heavy feeling in my chest,

Daddy's was always my HERO. Sometimes i just wish i could have one more day with him, and i want nothing more than to just talk to him and i miss his voice. Today, i was in unpacking some things and found one of my dad's old watch it makes me sad. i remember he used to have like antique clocks and phonograph etc... i think i see more things of my dad in me now at times.

I love you dad….i love you and miss you so so much.

I’ll always be your son Il'ka!!!

(Notes, Il'ka is a nickname for me, my dad and other relatives as well my best friend have always called me Il'ka)

July 22, 2013.

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Don't stand at my grave and cry

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Don't stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

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I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

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I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush,

of beautiful birds in circling flight,

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I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,　

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing...

　　

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© Ilya A. Petrovich