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读书札记3——夜色温柔 Tender is the nignt

(2009-05-13 13:32:24)
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杂谈

分类: 梦雨书斋--小雨的读书笔记

On the long-roofed steamship piers one is in a country that is no longer here and not yet there. The hazy yellow vault is full of echoing shouts. There are the rumble of trucks and the clump of trunks, the strident chatter of cranes, the first salt smell of the sea. One hurries through, even though there’s time; the past, the continent, is behind; the future is the glowing mouth in the side of the ship; the dim, turbulent alley is too confusedly the present. 

    站在有着长长的顶篷的轮船码头上,人就犹如置身于一个四处漂泊的国度。灰蒙蒙的黄色天空充满了轰轰的声响:卡车的隆隆声,推行李箱的嘎嘎声,还有起重机刺耳的轧轧声。大海上飘来一阵阵带咸味的水汽。人们匆匆而行,即使有的是时间;过去,就像大陆一样留在了身后,未来是船一侧的闪亮的海口,而灰暗混乱的码头长廊则是让人困惑的现在。

 

“So I’m ruined, am I?” he inquired pleasantly.

 

“I didn’t mean that. But you used to want to create things—now you seem to want to smash them up.”

 

She trembled at criticizing him in these broad terms—but his enlarging silence frightened her even more. She guessed that something was developing behind the silence, behind the hard, blue eyes, the almost unnatural interest in the children. Uncharacteristic bursts of temper surprised her—he would suddenly unroll a long scroll of contempt for some person, race, class, way of life, way of thinking. It was as though an incalculable story was telling itself inside him, about which she could only guess at in the moments when it broke through the surface. 

    她对迪克没有表示异议一时有些吃惊,便又说道:“有时我想这是我的过错,我毁了你。”

  “这么说我已被毁了,是吗?”他打趣道。

    “我不是那个意思,但你过去常有创造的欲望,而如今似乎总想毁灭什么。”

   她对自己如此直言不讳地批评他感到心疼——但他长久的沉默更让她害怕。她猜想,在这种沉默背后,在那双冷峻的蓝眼睛后面,在他对孩子们不太自然的兴趣后面,有某种东西在滋长。他有时会一反常态,勃然大怒,这令她大吃一惊——他会突如其来,不厌其烦地对某个人、某一种族、某个阶级、某种生活和某种思想方式表示鄙视。好像他内心深处有一则冗长的故事在做自我叙述,而只有当这个故事公开出来的时候,她才能加以判断。

 

Then she looked among the strangers, and found as usual, the fierce neurotics, pretending calm, liking the country only in horror of the city, of the sound of their own voices which had set the tone and pitch. . . .
    她知道,他往日是不可能说这种大话的。她打量了一下那些陌生人,照例发现极度的神经质,假装斯文,只是出于对城市的恐惧,出于对他们自己那种千人一腔的厌恶才仰慕起乡村来……

 

He turned away from her, toward the veil of starlight over Africa.

 

“I believe that’s true, Nicole. And sometimes I believe that the littler it was, the more pleasure it would give you.”

 

“Don’t talk like that—don’t say such things.”

    他转过身去,仰望非洲大陆上的那片星空。

  “我相信这是真话,尼科尔。我有时还相信,你能做的事越少,你感到的快乐就越多。”

“别这么说——别谈这些了。”

 

So delicately balanced was she between an old foothold that had always guaranteed her security, and the imminence of a leap from which she must alight changed in the very chemistry of blood and muscle, that she did not dare bring the matter into the true forefront of consciousness.

    她如此微妙地处在两者关系的平衡点上,一边是始终给她带来安全感的立足点,另一边则是即将发生的起跳,这一跳必定会伤筋动骨,面目全非。

 

For what might occur thereafter she had no anxiety—she suspected that that would be the lifting of a burden, an unblinding of eyes. Nicole had been designed for change, for flight, with money as fins and wings. The new state of things would be no more than if a racing chassis, concealed for years under the body of a family limousine, should be stripped to its original self. Nicole could feel the fresh breeze already—the wrench it was she feared, and the dark manner of its coming.

    对以后可能发生的事,她并不担心——她猜想那会是心灵的放松,眼睛的复明。尼科尔注定要改变航向,要飞翔,金钱就是鱼鳍,就是鸟翅。事情演变的新状态无非就好比是一只赛车底盘,即使多少年来被置于一辆私家轿车车身下,最终也会被拆下来回归它的本来面貌。尼科尔已经感到春风扑面——她只是害怕突如其来的变故,以及变故发生时那种令人黯然神伤的方式。

 

Nicole saw Dick peer about for the children among the confused shapes and shadows of many umbrellas, and as his mind temporarily left her, ceasing to grip her, she looked at him with detachment, and decided that he was seeking his children, not protectively but for protection. Probably it was the beach he feared, like a deposed ruler secretly visiting an old court. She had come to hate his world with its delicate jokes and politenesses, forgetting that for many years it was the only world open to her. Let him look at it— his beach, perverted now to the tastes of the tasteless; he could search it for a day and find no stone of the Chinese Wall he had once erected around it, no footprint of an old friend.

    尼科尔看见迪克在让人眼花缭乱的人群和许多遮阳伞的阴影间东张西望,寻找他们的孩子。当他的心思暂时不在她身上,不再对她构成压力时,她可以冷静地看着他。她认定,他寻找孩子不是要保护他们,而是在寻求保护自己。也许他害怕海滩,犹如一位被废黜的君王偷偷地寻访旧日的皇宫。她越来越憎恨他的这个开些高雅的玩笑,举止彬彬有礼的世界,恰恰忘了多年来这是唯一对她开放的世界。让他瞧瞧吧——他的海滩,如今竟迎合起那些毫无趣味的人的日味来。他可以整天去找,但他找不到他曾在海滩周围竖起的犹如中国长城的围墙的一块墙石了,也找不到一个朋友的足迹了。

 

For a moment Nicole was sorry it was so; remembering the glass he had raked out of the old trash heap, remembering the sailor trunks and sweaters they had bought in a Nice back street—garments that afterward ran through a vogue in silk among the Paris couturiers, remembering the simple little French girls climbing on the breakwaters crying “Dites donc! Dites donc!” like birds, and the ritual of the morning time, the quiet restful extraversion toward sea and sun—many inventions of his, buried deeper than the sand under the span of so few years. . . .

   尼科尔一时很为海滩的如此变化而难过。回想起他从废物堆里扒拉出来的那只玻璃杯;回想起他们在尼斯的一条小街上买到的水手衫和水手裤——这些衣服的款式后来在巴黎做丝绸衣服的女式时装店流行开来;回想起天真的法国小姑娘爬上防波堤,大喊大叫“喂!喂!”,像鸟儿一样;还回想起早晨的仪式,那是心灵对大海和太阳所产生的宁静安详的神注之情——他的许多发明埋得比沙子还深,才只过了几个年头……

 

Yet think she must; she knew at last the number on the dreadful door of fantasy, the threshold to the escape that was no escape; she knew that for her the greatest sin now and in the future was to delude herself. It had been a long lesson but she had learned it. Either you think—or else others have to think for you and take power from you, pervert and discipline your natural tastes, civilize and sterilize you.

    然而,她必须自己思考。她终于知道了那扇可怕的幻想之门的门牌号码,找到了逃遁的门槛,即使什么也逃脱不了。她知道,现在和将来,她最大的过错在于欺骗自己。这是一个很大的教训,但她现在要加以吸取了。要么你自己思考——要么别人来代替你思考,然后剥夺你的力量,扭曲和制约你的天性,对你进行驯化,最终把你变成一个废物。

 

While he did not answer she began to feel the old hypnotism of his intelligence, sometimes exercised without power but always with substrata of truth under truth which she could not break or even crack. Again she struggled with it, fighting him with her small, fine eyes, with the plush arrogance of a top dog, with her nascent transference to another man, with the accumulated resentment of years; she fought him with her money and her faith that her sister disliked him and was behind her now; with the thought of the new enemies he was making with his bitterness, with her quick guile against his wine-ing and dine-ing slowness, her health and beauty against his physical deterioration, her unscrupulousness against his moralities—for this inner battle she used even her weaknesses— fighting bravely and courageously with the old cans and crockery and bottles, empty receptacles of her expiated sins, outrages, mistakes. And suddenly, in the space of two minutes she achieved her victory and justified herself to herself without lie or subterfuge, cut the cord forever. Then she walked, weak in the legs, and sobbing coolly, toward the household that was hers at last.

 

Dick waited until she was out of sight. Then he leaned his head forward on the parapet. The case was finished. Doctor Diver was at liberty. 

    他没吭声,她开始感觉到他的才智曾对她有过的催眠般的作用,这种才智有时无需借助权力就能产生作用,但总是伴随着一层深一层地对真相的揭示,这种真相,她无法砸碎,甚至都不能稍稍打开一条裂缝。她再次对他的才智进行反抗,用她细巧秀丽的眼睛,用一个优胜者极度的傲慢,用她刚萌生的移情别恋,用积累多年的怨愤同他较量;用她的金钱以及她相信她姐姐不喜欢他而支持她,用他因刻薄而招来新的对头这些想法同他较量;用她机敏的手段来对付他慢吞吞的饮酒吃饭;用她的健康和美丽来对付他身体的衰老;用她的肆无忌惮来对付他的道德信条——在这场内心的战斗中,她不惜以她的弱点为武器——犹如用破旧的瓶瓶罐罐,她用她已经受到惩罚的罪过、劣迹和错误来做勇敢无畏的抗击。在短短两分钟的时间里,她立马取得了胜利,不是用撒谎,无需要花招,她就自我证明了自己行为的正当合理,鸡眼一劳永逸地被挖掉了。随后,她抱着无力的双腿,微微啜泣着朝最终是她的房子走去。

    迪克目送着她直到她的身影消失了为止。他将头伏在矮墙上。这一病例已经了结。戴弗医生没事干了。

 

He would have to go fix this thing that he didn’t care a damn about, because it had early become a habit to be loved, perhaps from the moment when he had realized that he was the last hope of a decaying clan. On an almost parallel occasion, back in Dohmler’s clinic on the Zurichsee, realizing this power, he had made his choice, chosen Ophelia, chosen the sweet poison and drunk it. Wanting above all to be brave and kind, he had wanted, even more than that, to be loved. So it had been. So it would ever be, he saw, simultaneously with the slow archaic tinkle from the phone box as he rang off.

    他必须去处理这件与他毫不相干的事情。因为去讨人喜欢是他早年养成的一个习惯,也许从他意识到他是一个破落家族的最后一丝希望的时候就开始了。在一个几乎完全类似的场合,这场合可回溯到在苏黎世湖的多姆勒诊所,由于意识到这种习惯的力量,他便做出决定,选择了奥菲利娅①,端起这杯酣蜜的毒酒喝了下去。首先,他要表现得勇敢、善良,尤为重要的是,要讨人喜欢。过去是这样,以后也会是这样。从他挂上话筒,电话机发出缓慢而古老的丁零一声时,他就明白了。

 

“We should have let him confine himself to his bicycle excursions,” she remarked. “When people are taken out of their depths they lose their heads, no matter how charming a bluff they put up.”

    “我们那时应该让他继续他的自行车旅行,别去打搅他,”她又说道,“人一旦被投入一个不属于他的世界,就会像丢了魂似的,不能自制,不论他们如何有模有样。”

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