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English Script for "The Birdcage" (03)

(2010-06-15 09:36:34)
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杂谈

分类: MovieScripts

Albert: What? No good? Why? I’m dressed just the way you are. I took off all my rings. I’m not wearing any makeup. I am just a guy.

Armand: What about those?

Albert: Those? Well, one does want a hint of color. You’re thinking that I dressed this way, I’m even more obvious, aren’t you? You’re right. I just wanted so much to help you. And you hate me, you both hate me.

Armand: Oh, God. Albert, we don’t hate you.

 

Agador: “…better treat me tonight. She works hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. I work hard for the money so you better treat me right. That’s right.”

Val: Better put your shoes on. It’s gonna to be late.

Agador: Ah, but there’s no point in my putting shoes on, sir. I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.

Val: Just put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice. And just give me a break, okay?

Okay.

(The phone rings.)

Katherine: Armand, this is Katherine. I’m in the car and I just got a message telling me not to come tonight. And I wanna check….

Val: Hi. No, that was a mistake. He said not to come late. I was there.

Katherine: Oh, I’m so glad. I thought my secretary got it wrong. I should be there in half an hour. Is this Val?

Val: Yeah.

Katherine: Val, I want you to know how happy I am that I can do this for you. I know it’s a little late.

Val: No, it’s fine. Thanks for this. So, um, see you in half an hour, mum.

 

Armand: What? Did you say “see you in half an hour, Mum”?

Val: Yeah.

Armand: Is that…?

Val: Yeah. Yes. There’s no way to call her back. She’s in the car.

Armand: Are you crazy? Albert is hysterical now. Do you know what he’ll do if Katherine comes to this house?

Val: It’s nothing. He won’t embarrass me. I mean it was my mother. I couldn’t tell her not to come. She’ll make the evening work, pap. Without her, I’m screwed. You know that.

Armand: So this is hell. And there’s a crucifix in it.

 

Louise: This is less like Palm Beach than I imagined.

Barbara: Well, it was all sand when they bought here. This just sort of grew up around them while they were in Greece.

 

Armand: He’s locked himself in. If we’re lucky, he won’t come out at all. I’m not religious and I’m Jewish. But if things go well tonight, I’d really appreciate it.

Val: All right. Speaking of Jewish. Barbara told her parents our last name is Coleman.

Armand: What? Thanks.

 

Agador: Coming.

Armand: Perfect.

Agador: It’s the shoes. Good evening, I am Spartacus, the Goldmans’ butler. Please, come in.

Kevin: Is that Goldman?

Val: Coleman, Coleman. Spartacus is, uh.

Armand: Guatemalan. New.

Barbara: Val, this is my father and this is my mother. This is Val Coleman.

Val: Nice to meet you.

Kevin: Coleman or Coldman?

Armand: Coleman. The “d” is silent.

Val: My father.

Armand: How do you do?

Louise: Oh, this is my daughter Barbara.

Armand: Delighted.

Louise: My husband.

Armand: Extremely honoured.

Kevin: You have a very forceful handshake, Mr. Coleman.

Armand: Well, you have to in Greece.

Val: My mother won’t be here for another 10 or 15 minutes. She’s with my grandparents in Palm Beach. And the traffic is….

Louise: Oh, isn’t that nice? You still have contact between the generations.

Armand: Yes. Won’t you come in?

Val: How’s the leg, pap? My father has an old football injury.

Kevin: A fellow sufferer. Where did you play?

Armand: Greece.

Val: Miami. You…

Louise: What an interesting room.

Barbara: Don’t you think this room is nice?

Louise: Well, yes. A very, very pleasant vacation house. I like its, uh, severity.

Val: Actually, dad uses this place more for work and reflection than anything else. So it’s not so much a vacation house as a….

Armand: Monastery.

Val: Yes.

Louise: Well, it’s just charming. And look at these lovely old books. Oh, look at this. Nancy Drew and the Case of the Burning Candle. You have the whole series.

Val: Yes. They are my mother’s.

Armand: Sit down, please. Shall we have some champagne to celebrate?

Louise: Oh. How nice!

Armand: Agador Spartacus! Agador Spartacus! He insists on being called by his full name. We’d like the champagne now.

 

The newsman: Over there? Okay, thanks.

The driver: God bless you!

 

The newsman: They went in around the corner.

The cameraman: That’s the side entrance to this building. Next to the club.

The newsman: Let’s check it out.

 

Louise: You have such a responsibility, two houses. How long does it go? When did you buy this one?

Armand: About 15 years ago. The area was mostly Jewish then.

Louise: Really? Barbara told us it was mostly sand.

Armand: Yes. Well, you know the old saying. “Where there’s sand…” Ah, here we go. Champagne for everyone.

Kevin: And a Scotch, if you have it.

Louise: Is someone else home?

Armand: Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there’s company.

Val: I’ll finish pouring. Go take care of dinner.

Armand: He’s a brilliant chef. He just has a lot to learn about serving. Where could the wife be?

 

Barbara: It was like so weird.

Val: No, it really was. I was, like, “Will you marry me?” She was like, “Wait a second. Didn’t you say no way before 30?”

Barbara: It was so funny.

Louise: Yes, yes. It does sound…funny.

Val: How was your trip, Senator?

Kevin: Oh, a nice trip. Very nice. We decided to drive down to see the seasons change. It was a long trip, though. Virginia, Kentucky, Tennesse, Georgia. It was so magical to me to come from the north, where it’s cold, to the south, where it’s warm, and see the tremendous differences from region to region in this incredible country of ours. My wife and I used to go to Virginia every autumn to see the foliage turn. Virginia has amazing foliage, although I do think that the foliage in Ohio is underrated. It’s just dazzling along I-75. (The phone rings.) Yes, just dazzling. We would go down to Virginia, to get away for a while. You know, to see the wonderful farms, the countryside.

(From the phone, Katherine’s voice): I’m stuck in the traffic. Start dinner without me.)

Kevin: The hills, the mountains. Talk about “purple mountains majestry”. Just fantastic. Red leaves, purple mountains, green fields. And the roads, black, cutting through the green. All the colours. The trees,… Pennsylvania’s nice, too.

Louise: Yes.

Armand: Was that my wife? Just now on the phone? I think it was. I was just so caught up. Val, was that Mum?

Val: Yeah. She’s stuck, but she’d just like us to start dinner without her. I would have picked it up, but I was just so interested in the Senator’s story.

Kevin: Oh, it wasn’t that good.

Armand: But it was really wonderful. Will you excuse me? I should tell Agador Spartacus this news.

Val: Would you excuse us?

Armand: I’ve never had so much go so wrong so quickly. This is like a curse. I feel awful.

Val: Dad, what do we do? Do we wait for her or do we…? You’re soaking!

Armand:  I’m sweating like some farm animal.

Val: I can’t do this.

Armand:  Yes. We can do this! We can do this! Work with me.

Val: Okay.

 

Kevin: Something very odd is going on.

Louise: It’s this thing with Jackson. The wife doesn’t want to see us in the same house and the father’s a wreck.

Barbara: I’m sure that’s not it.

Kevin: No, it’s something else. Something about the father and the butler. I can put my finger on it.

Barbara: It’s nothing!

Kevin: What do you mean? It is something.

Barbara: It’s nothing. It’s not! You always think the worst.

Kevin: I don’t always. I…

Barbara: You always do! Val’s mother is just late. She’s just a little late.

Kevin: You watch yourself. Young lady!

Louise: Here they come.

Armand: Excuse me. Well, we’ll…. Let’s give her half an hour and then if she isn’t….

Albert: Here I am. Oh, please forgive me for being so late, but traffic was unbelievable! Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley, I’m so happy to meet you at last. Oh, you must be Barbara. What a pretty child! Come here and give me a hug. Oh, don’t be afraid. Oh, how adorable, she’s shy.

Louise: It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Coleman.

Albert: Goldman.

Kevin: Isn’t that “d” silent?

Barbara: It is pronounced Coleman, isn’t it? We’ve had some confusion.

Albert: Oh, yes, Coleman. The “d” is silent in America. It’s Cole d’Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man in France where Armand’s chateau is, and Cole d’man in Greece where Armand’s work is. And finally, the vulgar Coleman in Florida, where Armand’s home is. So, actually, we never know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced.

Louise: Oh, that explains it.

Kevin: At last.

Barbara: I think I would like to hug you, Mrs. Coleman.

Albert: Oh, my dear child. Welcome.

 

A newsman: Look at this. This is our footage for the show on Jackson. Pump up the sound.

The voice from the video: We’re here out the home at what they’re calling Camp Keeley, waiting for…. Where are you driving him? South Beach, Florida.

Another newsman: Where’d we get this?

A newsman: Keeley’s house last night. The fat guy is with the National Inquirer. Harry Radman.

Another newsman: Oh, yeah. My God, he’s put on so much weight since the Simpson case. This should go to the network.

 

Louise: It’s so wonderful what you’ve done here. Everything is so simple, thank you, and uncluttered. Our house is just a sea of papers. You men. They’re just the biggest babies. They can run the world but they can’t pick out a tie.

Albert: Oh, I know. I can’t get this big lug to buy a new suit.

Kevin: Armand, I think they’re picking on us.

Albert: Oh, well. Bless them. That’s the way nature made them. Maybe I’m just an old-fashioned girl, but I pity the woman who’s too busy to stay home and take care of her man.

Kevin: Hear, hear! It’s just so nice to meet people like you. Our kind of people.

Albert: Thank you.

 

The newsman: C-o-l-e-m-a-n. There’s no first name on the bell. Sure? They can’t find them.

The cameraman: What about the name in front of the club-Goldman? I mean, Goldman and Coleman, pretty that close.

The newsman: You’re right. Wouldn’t that be something? Try Goldman. What was it?

The cameraman: Armand Goldman.

 

Kevin: It’s so odd to me, this fuss over school prayer. As if anyone, Jews, Muslims, whatever, would mind if their children prayed in the classroom.

Albert: Oh, it’s insane.

Armand: Thank you, Agador Spartacus! You may go.

Albert: He’s very nice, but such a problem. We never know what makes him laugh.

Louise: At least he speaks English. If you knew how many chauffeurs we’ve been through in the last six months.

Albert: Oh, if you knew how many maids we’ve run through in the last six years! I can name a dozen, Rodney, Bruno, Chuck…

Armand: Look! You all need more ice.

Kevin: You know, I have such a good feeling about you people. Not a lot of clever books on the shelves, no fancy art on the walls. Just the crucifix and a lot of good, warm, family feeling. And this is what Clinton didn’t understand when he started in on school prayer and gays in the military.

Armand: More ice for you.

Albert: There’s an idiotic issue, gays in the military! I mean, those haircuts, those uniforms, who cares?

Val: Mum, you shouldn’t talk about things you don’t know about.

Kevin: Val, don’t patronise your mother. She’s an amazingly intelligent woman. You know, I think homesexuality….

Armand: A lot more ice for you.

Val: I want more ice, dad.

Kevin:… is one of the things that is weakening this country

Albert: Really? You know that’s what I thought until I found out Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about the gays in the military!

Armand: How about those Dolphins?

Val: I’ll get it.

Kevin: I think we’re skirting an issue here that has Mr. Coleman very nervous, I don’t blame you. I know you must have troubles about the new about Senator Jackson, how he died.

Albert: Oh, yes, that. What an ugly story! Of course, we don’t believe a word of it.

Kevin: What do you mean?

Albert: He’s obviously framed. And I, for one, would like an autopsy.

Val: Mum.

Kevin: That’s just what Rush Limbaugh said.

Armand: Excuse me.

 

Armand: What a miserable tension! It’s like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

Agador: Yes, it is. Dinner is going to be late, okay? ‘Cause you give me so little time to shop.

Armand: Oh, the girl is nice. I owe it to Val, growing up the way he did. It can’t have been easy.

Agador: I’m sorry to laugh at Miss Albert, but what is that hairdo?

Armand: Fuck it! It’s one night. I can live through it.

 

Kevin: Of course, it’s very wrong to kill an abortion doctor. Many pro-lifers, I don’t agree with them, but many of them sincerely feel that if you…

Armand: I’m here, son.

Kevin:…stop the doctors, you stop the abortions.

Albert: Well. That’s ridiculous. The doctors are only doing their jobs. If you’re going to kill someone, better to kill the mothers. That will stop them.

Armand: May I see you a moment, dear?

Albert: I know, I know, if you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too. But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship.

Armand: I really must see you now.

Albert: Excuse me.

Val: I assure you. My mother is just following a train of thought to its logical yet absurd conclusion. It’s very much like what Jonathan Swift did when he suggested Irish peasants feed their babies to the rich.

Albert: I don’t know about Jonathan Swift, but I know one thing about your mother. She’s a very passionate woman who follows her heart. And I just love her.

 

The Newsman: So in another word Goldman owns the club and lives above it, and owns the building and he’s gay. We are in Inquirer heaven.

 

Armand/Louise: “I could have danced all night. I could have danced all night. And still have begged for more. I could have danced all night.”

Armand: You have beautiful voice.

Armand/Louise: “I could have spread my wings and done a thousand things I’ve never done before.”

Barbara: I hope your mother should understand I want a career after we get married.

Val: Barbara, Albert isn’t my mother. He’s a drag queen.

Barbara: Oh, that’s right. I keep forgetting that. He just sounds so much like a mother.

Agador joins the singing: “I only know when he began to dance with me. I could have danced, danced, danced all night.”

Armand: Bravo.

Louise: What a lovely voice you have, Agador Spartacus.

Agador: Oh, thank you. Thank you, all. Dinner is served.

Albert: Oh, wonderful. This way, Senator. You know, I played Eliza in high school.

Kevin: I bet you were lovely.

Armand: Go inside. I’ll write a note to Katherine and tape it on the door. Go.

 

Albert: And Mrs. Keeley over there, and Senator on my right. Val, over here. And Barbara, dear, please sit.

Kevin: You’re the most gracious hostess.

Albert: Thank you so much. Oh, I’m having such a wonderful time. This is just what I’ve always dreamed of. A big, loving family gathered around the table. Just the way it was when I was a girl.

Kevin: Yes, that’s the way we grew up, too.

Albert: Oh, it was a wonderful world then, wasn’t it? Happy families and everyone speaking English and no drugs and no AIDS.

Val: Easy on the wine, mum.

Louise: What interesting china! Well, it looks like young men playing leapfrog. Is it Greek?

Albert: Oh, I, I, I have no idea. I’ve never seen these bowls before.

Louise: Really? Barbara, get me my glasses, will you, dear? They’re in my purse by the chair.

Kevin: Where are my glasses? It is Greek. Yes, Greek boys, actually, uh, naked Greek boys.

Albert: And girls! Don’t you see any girls on your bowl?

Val: I have one!

Albert: So do I. Oh, look, Senator Keeley. There, I think that’s a girl.

Kevin: That must be because it has been long time you haven’t seen one. That’s a boy. I may need glasses, but I can see that.

Barbara: I couldn’t find your glasses. Maybe you’ve left them in the car.

Kevin: Oh, I have mine. Here.

 

Armand: Hurry, you idiot! They’re looking at the bowls. How could you put them on the table without looking at the bowls? Stop ladling! Give me the pot!

Agador: Why? You can’t serve out of that! Watch out!

Armand: Get out of the way!

Agador: Wait! There’re shrimps.

 

Kevin: Let’s see what these Greeks are doing.

Armand: Aha, here we go. Some of Agador’s superb soup. We’re in luck, because he doesn’t make this for everybody. This is his speciality, seafood chowder.

Louise: Isn’t that an egg?

Armand: What?

Louise: An egg.

Armand: Why, yes, it is. It is a huevo. This is so Guatemala. They put eggs in everything down there, because you know chicken is so important to them. It’s their only real currency. A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man’s wealth is measured by the size of his cock. Will you excuse me?

 

Armand: What the hell you are serving us?

Agador: Sweet and sour peasant soup. What did you say it was seafood chowder for?

Armand: What the hell is that?

Agador: I don’t know. I made it up. I made it up.

Armand: God, this is nightmare.

 

Albert: So, where are you staying in Florida?

Louise: With the Bushes on Fisher Island. The Jack Bushes.

Albert: Oh, Fisher Island. Such a lovely spot. My parents lived on Fisher Island until they died.

Kevin: I thought you were visiting your parents in Palm Beach.

Albert: Oh, yes, uh, now, that they’re dead. They moved, were moved because, well, my mother always said, “Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach, that way you’ll have the best of Florida.”

 

Val: Dad, you’ve got to get in there. Everything is going to hell.

Armand: He didn’t make an entree.

Val: What? You…, you mean we just have soup?

Agador: The peasant soup is an entree. It’s like stew! What do you think I put so much in it for?

Armand: Shut up! Shut up! Put the note for Katherine. Put it on the downstairs door. I have to go back before they eat out to the bottom of the soup bowls.

Agador: I had so much to do. You gave me no time to shop!

Armand: Shut up! It’s okay! We’re all right! It’s fine. Just shut up! God damn you! Stop crying! God damn you! What standing here for? Go! She’ll be here any minute! Go! Damn you! Fuck the shrimp!

 

A man reporter: Oh, my God!

A woman reporter: What?

A man reporter: That’s it. That’s it. That’s the Lincoln.

A woman reporter: You’re right. That’s the place. Park here. The address is here.

A man reporter: Really? This is an intersection.

A woman reporter: So what? We’re the press.

 

The Newsman (reading the note left by Armand to Katherine): “Katherine, whenever you do, do not go upstairs. I’ll call you tomorrow. Armand.” This is going to be great.

 

Albert: And from that day on, they decided to look for a cemetery they really loved instead of eating tofu. Daddy favoured Key Biscayne, but…

Val: Well. Just on time for dessert.

Armand: You get everything done?

Val: Yes.

Albert: Then, shall we have our coffee in the living room?

 

A man reporter: No, it is his town car. I am looking at it. We’re in the middle of a bunch of drag clubs. I don’t know. So, it’s okay. We’ve got authorization.

A woman reporter: Great! So, three? Where are they?

The driver: They went into the building around the corner there.

 

Armand: So, what do you think of these kids getting married?

Kevin: Well, she’s 18 and he’s only 20, so naturally I…. Good God, that sounds like it’s coming from downstairs.

Louise: Yes, it must be coming from that nightclub on the corner? This must be the same building?

Albert: Oh, you’re joking! I always thought that was someone’s television set.

Armand: Now, Mother, you know we live above a nightclub. Oh, she’s travelled around the world, but deep down she’s still a girl from Grover’s Corners.

Albert: Yes, I’m afraid I am a bit naive.

Kevin: Well, don’t be ashamed of Grover’s Corners, Mrs. Coleman. I mean it may not be a chateau in France, but it’s a darn good place to call home.

Albert: Thank you. Oh, I will remember that. Of course, Armand is much more sophisticated than I am. But then, he comes from such good stock, just like these two adorable youngsters. Don’t you agree?

Barbara: Where’s the bathroom?

Val: I’ll show you.

Barbara: No, that’s OK, that’s OK. I like Mother Coleman to show me.

Albert: Oh, my dear child!

Armand: One kiss, darling.

Albert: Oh, Armand. I’m only going to the bathroom.

Armand: We’ll all go.

Albert: Oh, I think you’re all crazy. My men!

Barbara: Isn’t this wonderful? All of us together.

Albert: This is so moving. I think I’m going to cry!

 

Louise: Something very strange is going on.

Kevin: I know.

Louise: That dinner! I know there was something on those bowls, and the son disappearing while we were eating.

Kevin: I know just what’s going on.

Louise: You do?

Kevin: It’s the oldest story in the world.

Louise: What is it?

Kevin: She’s a small town girl, and he’s a pretentious European, the worst kind. He and his Cole d’ whatever. And his decadent china. I’ve seen it all before. Aristotle Onassis was just like this. And all of the French, especially Mitterand. And the English, not Margaret Thatcher, of course. And you could tell that John Major has something on the side. And she can’t handle it.

Louise: Who?

Kevin: Mrs. Coleman.

Louise: Why should she care about John Major?

Kevin: No, no, no. Mrs. Coleman can’t handle him, Coleman and his nasty little European traditions. And his snobbery. And that dig about Grover’s Corners.

Louise: Kevin, you’re rambling.

Kevin: Well, it makes me furious, the contempt he has for her. Did you just see when she was talking, he looked almost frightened. He won’t let her run the house. And he’s in the kitchen. And he serves. And he tells that beige savage what to do. What?

 

Albert: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything!

Armand: Don’t be silly. No one noticed the wig. Where’s the hell the spirit gum?

Val: No. They took everything out of here.

Barbara: I have a barrette. If you don’t move your head too much, it might work.

Albert: Thank you. You’re a very sweet girl. I’m so sorry, Val.

 

Louise: I know you didn’t have this blind kind of sympathy for poor Bessie Jackson!

Kevin: Bessie Jackson is an insensitive cow. This woman is a lady. I don’t understand you, she’s goint to be your in-law, too.

Louise: Well, if you think he’s so terrible, maybe your daughter shouldn’t marry his son!

Kevin: I don’t think he’s terrible in that way. I mean he won’t get mixed up in some stupid scaandal.

Louise: I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before.

Kevin: What do you mean?

Louise: I don’t even know who you are! You are not worried about Barbara. All you think about is your career, and poor, little Mrs. Coleman.

Kevin: Oh, please. You’re just as worried about my career as I am. And you’re the one who pushed for the marriage. Barbara can handle that boy. I mean she’s a modern woman, tough as nails. Poor Mrs. Coleman, she cries, she’s a cornered mother. She is that vulnerable. And this breaks my heart. They don’t make women like that any more.

Katherine: Hello! I’m home! I forgot my key!

Kevin: Who’s it?

Katherine: It’s Val’s mother, Mrs. Goldman. Is Armand there?

Kevin: Val’s mother?

Louise: Mrs. Goldman?

Katherine: Hello! Hello!

Kevin: So this is the whole story. The son of bitch has a live-in mistress.

Katherine: Armand!

Louise: I’ll get the door.

Agador: No, no, no, no. You’re in the wrong house! Good evening. May I take your purse as usual, or for the first time?

Katherine: Thank you. You must be Senator and Mrs. Keeley. Katherine Goldman. I’m delighted to meet you. Please forgive me for being so terribly late.

Albert: …to take so long, but Barbara….

Katherine: Because I was stuck in traffic…

Albert: What is she doing here?

Armand: Let me explain.

Kevin: Yes, please do explain to all of us. I don’t want to embarrass this lovely lady, but exactly how many mothers does your son have?

Armand: What?

Kevin: Well, this woman just said. She introduced herself as Val’s mother. How many mothers does Val have?

Val: Just one. This is my mother. My father owns the nightclub downstairs. My mother is the star.

Kevin: What?

Val: We lied to you. Barbara and I. And everybody lied for us. These are my parents.

Armand: This is my wife. And this is the lady who had Val.

Val: Nice to meet you, Katherine.

Katherine: Very nice, Val. You’ve done a good job.

Armand: Thank you. We’re very proud of him.

Kevin: I don’t understand.

Louise: Barbara, the nightclub downstairs, he owns it?

Barbara: Um.

Louise: You mean he’s not a cultural attache?

Barbara: No. And he isn’t married to a housewife. And their name is Goldman, not Coleman. They’re Jewish.

Kevin: I don’t understand.

Louise: He’s a man. They’re both men.

Kevin: Can’t be. No, you can’t be Jewish.

Louise: Oh, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. This is a man.

Kevin: What?

Barbara: Don’t you understand? They’re gay. They own the drag club downstairs. They’re two men.

Albert: Senator Keeley, I don’t know if this help, but I want you to know that I meant every word I said to you about a return to family values and a stricter moral code.

Kevin: I feel like I’m insane.

Katherine: Look. It’s really very simple. Armand and I…

Kevin: She called you Mother Coleman…

Albert: Kevin, Kevin. Nothing has changed. It’s still me, with one tiny difference. Well, not tiny.

Kevin: I don’t understand.

Louise: I’ll explain it to you in the car. Come on, Barbara. Let’s go.

Barbara: No, I’m not coming.

Louise: Oh, Barbara, please don’t do this to me. I may not be as vulnerable as Mrs. Coleman, but I still have feelings. Somebody has to like me best.

Kevin: Take it easy, Louise. Barbara, we’re leaving now. I want you to come with us.

Barbara: Daddy, please.

Kevin: Barbara, I made your mother cry. I’m up for re-election. We’re in the middle of a scandal. I’m in the home of a gay couple who own a drag club. I realize you want to get married, but how many lives do you have to ruin to do it?

Barbara: I would have…, I would have liked to have had you as my family.

Kevin: I just want to say, Mr. and Mrs, uh, Mr., uh, whatever your name is. I hope this doesn’t influence your vote.

The Newsman: Senator Keeley.

Kevin: Oh, no.

 

The Newsman: Did you get him?

The Cameraman: No. I would have if you hadn’t said “Senator Keeley”.

The Newsman: I was trying to make him turn. Those vulgers!

 

Albert: Another television van just arrived. And a car. It says Florida Eagle. Oh, that’s just print news.

Kevin: They’ll have a great headline “Senator Jackson and His Women; Senator Keeley and His Men.”

Louise: It’s perfectly innocent. You just came to meet the parents of the boy that Barbara wants to marry. We didn’t know.

Kevin: Louise, people in this country are not interested in details. They don’t trust details. They only trust headlines.

Katherine: Well, if I can put in my two things, what will they have a thing on you? It’s their word against yours that you’re even here.

Kevin: No, they’ll really have something on me. But at some point, I have to leave. People will notice if I’m never seen again.

Albert: Another television crew. And they’re going into the club. Oh, wouldn’t you know it? The one night I don’t perform.

Agador: Can I get somebody some soup?

All: No.

Barbara: Daddy, I’m sorry.

Kevin: No, I know.

Agador: Senator? Another shot for you?

Kevin: I don’t really drink.

Agador: Yeah, but, now is the time to pretend.

Kevin: Give me some candy, Louise.

Val: Dad, couldn’t the Keeleys slip out without being noticed at the end of the show?

Armand: No, they’re waiting for that. They’d be recognized in two seconds.

Albert: Not necessarily.

 

Armand: A big hand for our girls, ladies and gentlemen, as we come to the end of our show, you are family, too. Please, sing along.

The song: We are family. I got all my sisters with me. We are family. Get up, everybody, and sing. We are family. I got all my sisters with me. We are family. Get up, everybody, and sing. Everyone can see we’re together, as we walk on by. And we fly just like birds of a feather. I won’t tell no lies. All of the people around us they say, can they be that close? Let me state for the record. ….

The Cameraman: How long will they keep waiting there?

The Newsman: As long as it takes. There’s no story if they don’t get him coming out.

The song: Get up, everybody, and sing. We are family. I got all my sisters with me. We are family. Get up, everybody, and sing. We are family. I got all my sisters with me. We are family. Get up, everybody, and sing. ….

Armand: Work it. Sell it. Own it. Go, girlfriend.

Albert: Come on.

A man in the club: I’ve never danced with a man before.

Louise: There’s always a first time.

Armand: Perdonna.

Kevin: No one will dance with me. It’s this dress. I knew white would make me look fat.

Barbara: What about me? I’m just as pretty as these other guys.

Val: Dance? Not you, Barbara.

Kevin: Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be the only girl not dancing.

Val: Just head for the door. We’ll be out of here soon.

Albert: Care to dance, baby?

 

Kevin: Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of EI Dorado and Palm.

The Driver: Lady, not for a million dollars.

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