进化心理学：为什么有男人会害怕约会女人

In a classic love story, there are two kinds of man. One is the man who has little difficulty in asking women out. He is generally portrayed as being reprehensibly confident in this way. The other kind of man is the shy one who has great difficulty in asking women out. He is often the hero of the piece. The first man gets the girl early on, but doesn’t truly love her, and she eventually recognises him for what he is, and the shy guy gets the girl in the end, and does truly love her.

在经典的爱情故事中，有两种男人：一种男人是经常约会女性，他们通常被认为过于自大。另一种男人却很难开口约会女性，但是他们才是真正的赢家。第一种男人会最先获得女孩的芳心，但他不是真正的爱她，她最终也会认识到他的本意，而那个害羞的男人会在最后赢得女孩，而且是真心的很爱她。

It seems that men find the act of asking a woman out to be very strongly associated with fear. Indeed, one often hears of a man who can brave enemy bullets in battle, and can shout down his boss in an argument, who turns into a timid wreck when faced with the task of approaching the woman he fancies. I believe that this is an evolved instinct.

表面上看，人们会认那些不敢约会女生的男人主要是因为他的恐惧心理。但事实是，那些敢于在战场上挡子弹，敢于同老板叫板的男人也会在约会自己心仪的女性时完全沉没。我认为这是进化出来的本能。 

If you believe in evolutionary psychology at all, then you will probably accept that fear is an evolved emotion. Our evolved fears are quite rational. We fear heights but not level ground, snakes but not shoes, large stretches of open water but not ping-pong balls. We fear the things which killed the people of the past. People who evolved a fear of level ground did not get on well in the world, and people who loved heights and pain died young. It is quite clear that we have evolved to fear the things which made it more difficult to pass on genes, and we have evolved to like and to seek out the things that helped our ancestors survive and reproduce. That men find women attractive is no random chance result of Darwinian process. Men who sought female sexual partners passed on genes, and those who didn’t did not become our ancestors.

若你理解进化心理学，你就可以理解恐惧是一种进化出来的情绪。我们进化出来的恐惧心理都是非常合理的。我们惧高但是不会怕平地，怕蛇但是不怕鞋子，怕宽阔的水面但是不怕乒乓球。我们对过去导致人死亡的东西感到恐惧。同样如果我们进化出怕平地的情绪是不可能在这个世界上良好的生存下来，如果我们进化出喜欢高处那就会很早就死掉。很明显，我们进化出来的恐惧心理都是去害怕那些使我们基因不能继续传递的事物，而我们进化为喜欢或者发现那些帮助我们祖先能够生存并繁衍的事物。男人寻找有吸引力的女人并不是达尔文的随机选择的结果。那些寻找雌性性伴侣的男人的基因得到延续，而另外那些没有这样做的男人是不会成为我们祖先的。

It therefore may seem contradictory that men find asking women out frightening. Surely confidence in this matter would be an advantage to passing on genes, and a terror of it would be a great disadvantage. I have two reasons to explain this.

以上导致一个矛盾，男人发现约会女人是恐怖的事情。在这件是事情上，绝对的自信可能会成为基因传递的优势，恐惧会成为很大的劣势。我有两个理由来解释这个问题。

The world has changed. Today we live in cities with huge populations. Today, a man might ask out a different woman every day, and not in ten years exhaust the pool of young women who might say yes. A man can afford to be rejected almost all the time, so long as some women consent. This was not the world our foraging ancestors lived in. Back then, the world was sparsely populated. A man might live in a band of about twenty-five people, of whom perhaps six at most would be women of reproductive age, and most of these would be spoken for. It would be common that the man would only have frequent encounters with one or two potential mates. A wise designer of human instinct would therefore give men a fear of “blowing it” with such rare and precious women. The maxim “There are plenty more fish in the sea” would be even less of a comfort to a man who knows that he might not set eyes on another single woman for months. In short, the cost of putting a woman off with a clumsy approach would have been, in the environment of our ancestors, very high. This would lead to a selective pressure on men to take the task of propositioning very seriously indeed. Making a bad mistake would be almost as deleterious to the potential for reproduction, as forgetting to bring a dagger to a knife fight.

世界已经变化了。今天我们生活在人口众多的城市。现在，一个男人可以轻易的每天约会不同的女人，不是花十多年只为在有限的几个个可能同意的女人中间周旋（？？）。男人可以接受一直被拒绝，直到有女人愿意和他出去。现在的世界已经不是我们祖先生活的那个样子了。那个年代，人口稀少。那是的人可能生活在一个只有25个人的部落中，而其中可能只有最多6个可生育的女性，而她们可能都已名花有主了。时常碰面的潜在配偶只有1到2个，这样情况可能非常常见。所以人类的本能被巧妙的设计为让男人害怕把同这些非常珍贵的女人的关系“搞砸”。“天涯何处无芳草”，对那些知道自己几个月都见不到其他女人的男人来说，可能只是一个安慰。简单的说，在我们祖先生活的年代，随便找个借口搪塞一个女人是非常不恰当的方法，其成本很高。这就导致选择性的压力，当一个男人必须相当严肃的对待他试图接近的异性。一个的错误都可能导致这个男人传宗接代的可能性成为泡影，无异于自杀，就像拼刺刀时不带刺刀一般。

The second reason I have to explain the fear men have, refers to the love story characters mentioned earlier. Sometimes the hero of the story is a man unusually confident, and who has had many girlfriends. One day, he sees a woman who changes him. He is amazed to find himself for once tongue tied and shaking with fear. Why can he not simply ask her out, as he did all the others? All the girls in the audience of this movie know the answer: this is true love. It seems that men find asking out strangers whom they know they are unlikely ever to see again, comparatively easy. The women who are difficult to ask out are the ones a man really cares about. People are far more promiscuous, it seems, on foreign holidays. Back at home, asking out the plain girl next door can be tougher than the gorgeous girl on the exotic beach. 

第二个能解释男人持有的恐惧心理的原因，就是我前面提到的爱情故事中表现的一样。有时候，故事的主人公非常的自信，同时也有非常多的女朋友。但是有一天，他见到了那个令他改变的女人。他惊奇的发现自己的舌头打结而且紧张得发抖。为什么他不能想以前一样，直接的约她出去？所有的女性观众都知道原因：因为真爱来了。似乎，一个男人去约会一个他自己知道似乎不会再见面的陌生女性，相对简单一点。那些让自己不敢轻举妄动的女性其实才是他们真正在乎的。在外国度假时，人们似乎会很更滥情。在家约会隔壁的平凡女生比在国外的海滩约会一个美女要难。 

The above accords well with ancestral conditions. A hunter-gatherer out on the savannah who happens across a woman from a neighbouring tribe has little to lose and much to gain from giving it a go.

上述的情况在原始的条件下也是适合的。一个狩猎人在大草原遇到隔壁部落的女人时，试着勾引一下她，可能会有意外收获，反正他也没有什么损失。

To women, of course, the picture may be less clear. They get irritated by the confidence of men who ask them out easily, and rate the affection and fidelity of such men very lowly. They also get irritated and impatient with the timidity of the men who take an age to summon the nerve to ask them out. One might say that women should in these modern days of big cities and contraception take it on themselves to ask men out. To some degree they do exhibit this behaviour a bit more, but not much. Even women who go social dancing twice a week usually wait be asked to dance. Old instincts die hard. Women demand confidence in men, but also consider men who are confident and forward to be “creeps”. It is a fine line for men to tread. We have to be brave enough to ask, but not brave enough to find asking easy.

对女人来说，当然，状况就不太清楚了。她们会为那些超自信的轻薄男人生气，而且把这些男人的爱情和忠诚度看的非常低。她们也会对那些花了很长时间的才鼓起勇气向她们的表白的男人的胆怯而生气和失去耐心。有人可能会说，在这个城市化和避孕技术发展的现代社会，女人应该主动约男人。某种程度来说，现在已经有这个苗头了，但是不多。就算每周去参加了两次群舞的女人也会想要被要请再去跳舞。古老的本能是很难消失的。女人希望男人有自信，但是有自信的男人也会变被认为"很讨厌"|。这对男人来说一个很好的消息。我们要有足够的勇气去表白，但不是觉得这样的事很简单。