坛子里真是处处是知音啊 -- 我昨天刚刚抽空看了一点点想要来说道说道，那里就已经就相关问题讨论得精彩不已了。

 先让我偷懒摘录一段EQ书里的话吧:

"Researchers studying how parents react to their children have found that there are three general parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative.

 "Authoritarian parents set out strict rules and expect them to be obeyed. They believe that children should be "kept in their place", and they discourage them from voicing their opinions. Authoritarian parents try to run a household based on structure and tradition, although in many cases their emphasis on order and control becomes a burden to the child.

 "The permissive parent, on the other hand, seeks to be as accepting and nurturing as possible, but tends to be very passive when it comes to setting limits or responding to disobedience. Permissive parents do not make strong demands, nor do they even have clear goals for their children, believing that chlidren should be allowed to develop according to their natural inclinations.

 "Authoritative parents, by contrast to both authoritarian and permissive parents, manage to balance clear limits with a nurturing home environment. They give guidance, but they are not controlling; they give explanations for what they do while allowing children to have input into important decisions. Authoritative parents value their children's independence, but hold them to high standards of responsibility to family, peers, and the community. Dependency and babyish behaviour is discouraged. Competence is encouraged and praised."

 (如果给我们一个选择题，用后脑勺想想都知道，我们都是想要做最后说的这种authoritative parents.)

但是没有任何人可以清楚地给我们一个定义: 对于我们自己的那个孩子，我们怎么掌握尺度，用什么样的方式，才能做到第三种父母。

EQ一书作者专门用一章来讨论了Permissive 育儿方式 – 尤其是过分顾忌给小孩子”造成心灵创伤”而彻底避免使用”negative emotion” (比如shame and guilt) – 的弊端。

“…in the last twenty years, there has been a steady movement toward avoiding punishment for all but the most egregious misbehavior. As Brown University professor William Damon notes in his book Greater Expectations: Overcoming the Culture of Indulgence in Our Homes and Schools, ‘we are living in a time when the child-centered ethic has become a justification for every sort of overindulgent child-rearing practice….

“To put it simply, too much understanding and sympathy toward some children may be as harmful as too little.

“But from what we are now learning about emotional intelligence, the most significant mistake made by advocates of permissive parenting and education has been to unwittingly make ‘good emotions’ the heroes of our psyche and ‘bad emotions’ the villains. From an evolutionary perspective, every human emotion has developed for a purpose, and removing the negative emotions from our understanding of child development is like removing one of the primary colors from a painter’s palette – not only is that single color lost, but millions of shades of complementary colors are also lost. In addition, as we shall see, negative emotions like shame and guilt are indisputably more powerful than positive ones in terms of emotional learning and behavioral change.”

我们大都是在Authoritarian父母手下长大的，对这种育儿类型的弊端有最深刻最痛楚的认识。所以远在我们为人母之前，就大都痛下决心不要子女重复我们的路。但是拿我自己来说，不是没有矫枉过正的 – 远在#1出生之前，我就已经像新手上路一样哆哆嗦嗦，前怕狼后怕虎，如履薄冰地走上一条摸着石头过河的路。这种步步为营，多少就是我们自己心理阴影的折射。在远远逃离authoritarian道路的时候，一脚就踏进了permissive的泥潭。等到有警报信号觉得国将不国了(请参看以前的”后花园关于训育问题的讨论”)，再一头转向authoritarian企图收回阵地。

可以说，我尽管理论上立志要做第三种妈妈，行为上却是在第一和第二种妈妈之间徘徊摇摆。

罗嗦了这么多，回过头来说冷水澡问题 – 身为资深墙头草，我既不吐血推荐冷水澡(我赞成大家讨论里说的很多观点)，也不旗帜鲜明地反对冷水澡。

每个孩子都不同，每种情况都不同 – 如果局面已经失控，如果一个已经到学龄的小孩子的TANTRUM已经发展到伤害自己伤害他人的局面，我赞同不惜一切代价给她/他一个明确的信号: STOP。

#1五月在学校大发作之后，小学校长写信给我:  “Emotional outbursts within the classroom and school setting are not acceptable ways of dealing with anger。” 无论从”不能伤害自己或者他人”的底线，还是我们所处这个社会的behavioral code来说，极端的TANTRUM都是需要及时制止的。

于是，我们首先灰溜溜地给自己洗冷水澡去了。

下面的话是写给#1 TWIN他娘同病相怜的JOLIE的 –

在TANTRUM发作方式和强度上丁丁跟#1很像，都是不走到大家两败俱伤誓不罢休的小将。没有经历过的妈妈们很难想象我们那种咬碎一口破牙忍无可忍从头再忍的滋味，还有自己被逼到墙角也大发作之后的懊恼和愧疚。(嗯，我家#2现在也成了大嗓门儿还有小暴力。)

我看的所有EARLY DEFIANCE方面的资料都是POINT TO THE SAME DIRECTION:

1。要提前捕捉信号，及早把TANTRUM发作的小火苗掐死在摇篮里。

2。如果发作起来了，不要当场跟他理论或者教训乃至讽刺他。

3。POSTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT，POSTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT – 这些家伙都是顺毛驴。

#1如果天时地利人和俱备的时候，会表现出她最好的一面；但是只要有哪个环节出来问题，都是当场翻脸的主。

究其根源，#1的TANTRUM来自她的过于敏感以及容易焦虑的天性，还有她的心理的不成熟 – delay in the development of the art of persuasion, compromise, conflict resolution, and anger management. 这种不成熟会造成她心理上的焦虑，最后以叛逆以及发脾气的方式表现出来。

还有，这样的孩子因为敏感，所以如果家长忧心忡忡或者对他们有了反感的情绪，都能捕捉到，于是更加加重他们的叛逆。要想扭转这个负反馈循环，只有我们自己放松心情，眼睛里多看到他们可爱之处。

我们顺着这个路子走，#1这个夏季表现就很不错。

-- 这似乎是power of intension. 你越打心眼里觉得她好，她就会越来越好。现在想来，很闹的孩子，其实就是心里没有安全感的表现；#1表现得像个小刺猥的时候，都是心里不安的时候。真正自信的小孩子，都是快乐和淡定的。

罗嗦了这么多，我还是要回到主题上去 – 今天#1游泳完了太累，为一些小事冲我乱发脾气，嚷嚷”I don’t want you to be my mom anymore!” 我毫不犹豫地违背”unconditional love”原则打开房门: “Then get out of my house. NOW!”  等她痛哭流涕讨饶了，我再穷追不舍地告诉她: “Mommy feels very very hurt when you said that to me. Never ever say that again.”

对于各种”冷水澡”，我们还是不必那么小心谨慎 -- 追寻当妈妈的直觉吧，如果该冲，就放心大胆没有心理障碍地冲去吧。