标签：
婚姻两性情感校园 |
分类： 芭芭拉博士婚姻情感问答(翻译) |
译文：情海
WHAT SIGNS SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN THE BEGINNING OF A RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE SURE I DON’T END UP WITH SOMEONE WHO’S BAD FOR ME?
刚开始建立关系的时候，应该发现哪些信号以免自己搭错车？
最近，我刚结束了一段有害的婚姻，花费了数年我才从中爬出来。现在我又想约会了，可是我非常害怕，怕自己再挑一个会伤害自己的人，最终仍免不了重复另一段有害的感情。当我初次跟某个人见面的时候，怎样才能知道他之于我是好是坏？
你能够问这个问题，我非常高兴！在跟成千上万的男人女人打了多年交道之后，我明白到：我们在婚姻中经历的太多的伤害、太多的心痛、太多的失望，其实都是可以避免的，如果我们一开头能够谨慎其事的话，可惜没有。刚开始的时候，你就要问很多问题，就要为潜在的问题找出告警信号，就要持续关注你想在对方身上寻找的东西以及你想尽力避免的东西。
如你所知，外面确实有些人携带着我所谓的“致命”缺陷，这样一些人格特征足以给你们的关系带来严重影响。虽然我们没有人是完美的，我们每个人都有些不足或缺点能够影响到我们的感情生活，可是，有些人格特征与其他那些相比确实更具有破坏性，也确实危险多了，而这类缺陷就是你应该在潜在伙伴身上留心观察的“致命缺陷”。下面这些就是：
1.
各种上瘾
正象我已经提到过的那样，跟毒品、药品、酒精或赌博等东西上瘾的人建立关系，肯定会伤害到你。要在这个方面找出可能存在的问题的危险信号，不能因为要跟某个人建立关系而将你怀疑的东西最小化成微不足道的问题，无论你如何孤独都切记不能这样做。
2. 愤怒
跟肝火太旺的人一起生活就像跟一颗定时炸弹一样，你永远不知道炸弹何时会爆炸。愤怒，犹如恐怖分子，它将你劫持为了人质。而要找出具有潜在愤怒问题的人，却是对诸多致命缺陷的揭示上相对容易的一个。没有人是一夜之间就对愤怒上瘾的，在你们的关系确立之前，你肯定能发现某些告警信号：一些小事如果没按他的意思发展，他就生气了；他的心情时有巨幅波动；他缺乏耐心，很容易焦虑；他喜欢为自己辩护；他经常提高嗓门。如果你在某个人身上看到这样一些信号，你就得在成为他的愤怒目标之前离开他了。
3. 意识里认为自己是受害人
由于我们没有人在乎听自己的伴侣来抱怨他/她以前的感情或婚姻，所以要发现一个人是受害者常常是困难的。不过要是对方有指责别人而并不去看看自己有哪些责任要承担的习惯，你就要小心了：你很可能就是下一个“什么都是你的错”的承受者。受害者往往反着看生活——整个世界都跟我作对。他们会问“为什么这样的事发生在我身上？” 而不是去问“为什么发生了这样的事，我怎样才能改变它？” 如果你觉到自己一直在替某位潜在的伙伴抱歉，如果你发现自己成天陷入在他/她对生活、情感、健康等等的抱怨之中，那么是你离开的时候了。
4. 操纵者
受害者的对面是操纵者——操纵者要自己决定所有事情，会努力避免有求于人，操纵者需要操纵他的人生，最终还要操纵你的。你们要小心，别把这一致命缺陷跟自尊和自信的品质混淆了。你有必要问自己，你的潜在伙伴对一切事情“掌管”的趋势是你真正想要的生活吗，有时候他对任何事情的掌管会让你一时感到他是在关心你，这就要求你能够有所区分。操纵者会尽力说服你别离开他，所以一旦你决定离他而去，你就无需太多的解释，在说服方面你可比他差远了。
5. 性障碍
性障碍不仅仅指性能力的问题，比如性无能、或无力达到高潮，还包括了性上瘾、或性品质缺乏等等。这种致命缺陷是初期难以发现的，因为你不可能在前面几次约会里就跟人家上床，可是一旦遇到了这样的问题，总是致命的。你们需要进行坦诚的对话来看看对方是否有这方面的问题，比如沉迷于性幻想，成人黄色，强迫别人进行性行为，到处拈花惹柳，或者由于性攻击、强奸或童年性虐而对性爱反感。我知道这听起来让人不舒服，可是请相信我，那也比到了婚姻中期才发现这种致命缺陷强多了。某些性问题不见得是致命的，可是如果对方不愿意解决它们的话，也可能让你们的婚姻致命。
6. 长不大的孩子
要当心那些迷人的孩子一样的人，他/她会让你产生要照顾他/她的感觉——他们可能还没有足够成熟到拥有健康婚姻的程度。找找有没有财务责任缺失的信号，有些人不是别人能激励的了的，也不是别人可以依赖的，缺乏财务责任的人对生活往往漫不经心。除非你喜欢做大人的感觉，否则还是另找他人为好。
7. 情感之门锁闭
关于这种致命缺陷，写一本书都不为过，你们只需知道：远离那些情感关闭的伙伴！世界上有很多心扉敞开的人让你去爱，为什么要选择一个心扉难以打开的人呢，为什么要花时间去尝试扣开这样的心扉呢？有些人由于情感太阻塞了，所以尚未准备好跟别人建立关系，他们会遇上探讨情感或表露情感的困难，他们也会抵制信任和心扉的开启。通过坦诚的对话，看看爱是否让你潜在的伙伴感到了不舒服，你要观察他的举止，在你决定承诺之前，要确信随着关系的发展他有没有能力给你你想要的东西。
8. 尚未从之前的婚姻中恢复过来
当我们从过去的婚姻走进新的婚姻时，我们总是背负着情感的包袱，有时侯这些包袱是压倒性的，足以让你们的感情致命。下面这些人需要你特别留心：对之前的伙伴仍然怀着巨大愤怒和憎恨的人，对之前的伙伴感到愧疚和需要负责的人，以及仍然梦魇于之前婚姻中受到的伤害或虐待的人，原因可能是这样的人还没有康复好来再浴爱河。英雄们要注意了！你们可能发现这种人魅力十足！
9. 孩提时代的情感摧毁
我们或多或少可能都有些来自孩提时代的情感问题，可是有些人的情感损伤是非常严重的，在拥有健康婚姻上他们可能遭遇到艰难时刻，尤其当他/她对自己的情感毁损缺乏认识，并因此也没可能自我修复的时候，更是如此。如果你遇到的人拥有下面某个问题，并不一定意味着会是个致命缺陷，而是意味着你应该慎重从事了——开诚布公地说说你的担心，评估一下对方怎样处理过去或目前的这些问题。下面是某些非常具有戏剧性的儿童问题，它们可能是告警信号，也应当是需要处理的：
- 性虐待和性强暴
- 身体虐待或语言虐待
- 父母遗弃：离婚，死亡，收养，自杀，感情距离过大
- 饮食紊乱
- 父母对毒品、酒精等上瘾
- 极端的宗教信仰
Q：I recently ended a really
unhealthy relationship that took me years to get out of. I want to
start dating again, but I’m so scared that I’ll pick another person
who will hurt me, and will end up going through the same cycle all
over again. How can I tell when I first meet someone if he will be
bad for me or not?
A：I’m so glad you asked! In working with thousands of men and women over the years, I’ve learned that so much of the hurt, heartache and disappointment we experience in love could be avoided if we just paid more attention at the beginning of the relationship. You need to ask lots of questions, look for the warning signs of potential problems, and stay focused on what you’re looking for in a partner and what you are trying to avoid.
As you already know, there are people out there who have what I call "fatal flaws", characteristics that can cause severe problems in a relationship. None of us is perfect, and it’s obvious that we each have flaws or imperfections that affect our love life. However, some of these characteristics are much more dangerous and destructive than others, and those are the "fatal flaw" you need to watch for in a potential partner. Here they are:
1. Addictions
各种上瘾
As I’ve already mentioned, relationships with people who have an addiction (drugs, alcohol, pills, gambling, etc.) are guaranteed to hurt you. Look for signs that there may be problems in this area, and don’t minimize what you suspect may be an issue in order to have a relationship with this person, no matter how lonely you are.
2. Anger 愤怒
Living with an angry person is like living with a time bomb: You never know when it’s going to go off. Anger is a terrorist--it holds the people it comes in contact with hostage. Spotting someone who has potential problems with anger is one of the easier Fatal Flaws to detect. No one turns into a rageaholic overnight. You’ll see warning signs: he gets angry when little things don’t go his way; he has little patience, and becomes easily annoyed; he has extreme mood swings; he is defensive; he raises his voice often. If you spot these signs, get out before you become the object of his pent- up rage.
3. Victim Consciousness 意识里认为自己是受害人
It’s often difficult to spot a victim because none of us really mind hearing out partner complain to us about his or her past relationships. But if your partner has a habit of blaming others for his circumstances and not taking responsibility for his part in problems, watch out: You will be the next person whose fault everything is. Victims see life as an adversarial situation--"it’s the world against me. They ask "Why is this happening to ME?", instead of "Why is this happening and how can I change it?" If you find yourself feeling sorry for a potential mate and getting sucked into his complaints about his life, relationships, health, etc., it’s time to leave.
4. Control Freak 操纵者
A control freak is the opposite of a victim--someone who must make all decisions himself, avoids asking for help, and needs to be in control of his life, and eventually, yours. Don’t mistake this Fatal Flaw for the qualities of self-esteem and confidence. Ask yourself if your potential mate’s tendency to "take charge" of everything, which may make you temporarily feel taken care of, is really how you want to live. Control freaks will try to talk you out of leaving them, so don’t do too much explaining!
5. Sexual Dysfunction 性障碍
Sexual dysfunction doesn’t mean problems only with sexual performance, such as impotence, or inability to have an orgasm. It can also mean sexual obsession, or lack of sexual integrity. This Fatal Flaw is much more difficult to spot at first since (hopefully) you’re not having sex on the first few dates, but it can be deadly once you encounter it. You’re going to need to have some frank discussion in order to discover whether or not your partner is addicted to fantasy, pornography, compulsive sexual behaviors, throws his sexual energy all over the place, has an aversion to sex due to molestation, rape or childhood abuse. I know this sounds uncomfortable, but believe me, it’s better than finding out about this Fatal Flaw in the middle of a relationship. Some sexual problems aren’t necessarily fatal, but they will be if your partner won’t deal with them.
6. Your Partner hasn’t grown up 长不大的孩子
Watch out for the charming, childlike person who makes you feel you want to take care of him or her--they may not have grown up enough to have a healthy relationship. Look for signs of financial irresponsibility, someone who is unmotivated, undependable, and avoids taking life seriously. Unless you want to feel like parent, find someone else.
7. Your Partner is Emotionally Unavailable 情感之门紧密
I could write an entire book on this Fatal Flaw. All you need to know is: STAY AWAY FROM PARTNERS WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN! There are so many people in the world eager to love. Why choose someone who has a hard time opening up and spend your time trying to pry open that person’s heart? Some people just aren’t ready to have a relationship because they are too emotionally blocked. They will have a difficult time talking about or showing emotions, and will resist opening up and trusting. Find out through frank conversation how comfortable your potential mate is with loving, observe his behavior ,and as the relationship progresses, make sure he’s capable of giving you what you want before you decide to commit.
8. Your Partner Hasn’t Recovered From Past Relationship(s)
尚未从之前的婚姻中恢复过来
We all carry emotional baggage from our past relationships into each new one. But sometimes that baggage can be so overwhelming that it’s fatal to your love affair. Watch out for someone who still carries tremendous anger and resentment toward his previous mate, someone who feels guilty and responsible for his previous mate or someone who is still traumatized from being hurt or abused in his past relationships. It may be this person hasn’t healed enough to be ready to love again. Rescuers beware! You will find these kinds of mates very attractive.
9. Emotional Damage from Childhood 孩提时代的情感摧毁
All of us have some emotional issues originating in our childhood. But some people have emotional damage that is so severe, they will have a difficult time having a healthy relationship. This is especially the case when a potential mate isn’t aware of the emotional damage and isn’t working on himself to repair it. If you meet someone with one of the following issues, that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be a Fatal Flaw. It does mean you should be cautious, talk openly about your concerns, and assess how well your partner is dealing with the past or present problems. Here are some of the more dramatic childhood issues that may be warning signs, and should be dealt with:
- Sexual abuse and sexual trauma 性虐待和性强暴
- Physical or verbal abuse 身体虐待或语言虐待
- Parental abandonment: divorce, death, adoption, suicide, emotional distance 父母遗弃：离婚，死亡，收养，自杀，感情距离
- Eating disorders 饮食紊乱
- Parental addiction to alcohol, drugs, etc. 父母对毒品、酒精等等上瘾
- Religious fanaticism 极端的宗教信仰
顶