在我第二次被虐的时候，我几乎完全失去了斗志。旁边的姐姐一直鼓励我说：宝贝，要有体育精神！她每说一次，我就像触电一般，被笼罩上一种虽败犹荣的悲情。

    没想到甲组的美女们实力都那么强，这么久没摸拍子我完全找不到手感。被虐的我看着明晃晃的阳光，陷入了极端的自我怀疑。于是我可怜兮兮地恳求大宝周五虐我。宝很给面子，从乌烟瘴气的实验室里飞来短信，接受了菜鸟的拜师。

    五一的时候我背着拍子意气风发特有范儿地回到合肥，向老爸展示了他网购的成果，在卧室里颠了五分钟的球。结果发现皖儿美眉已经化身穿着网球裙穿梭在科大校园里的自习魔女，满口不良贷款金融管制，完全没有陪我练球的心思。回北京的时候原封不动地背着dunlop的拍子，我忽然想起了一句话，明明是蜗牛，却偏偏要乌龟壳。这让我感到无限悲哀，彷佛在那一刻，我就洞悉到了今日被虐的惨状。

    今天才发现烟火换博了，就是说啊，妞怎么可能一个月不更新。不过她的新博成了豆瓣茶座，我进去溜达了一圈发现根本没有我打情骂俏的座位。妞和我说，和自己喜欢的人在一起，这就够了。这句话特给力。和她比较，我成了一个无病呻吟庸人自扰的女人。如果我遁入空门，恐怕是受到了她的点播。

    想到皖儿，我就觉得很憔悴，她给我的每一条短信里都会夹杂着金融学的专业名词，顺带一句“我。。。都。。。快。。。死。。。了。。。”or“什。。。么。。。都。。。不。。。会。。。”or“如是。。。”etc.我总是在冥思苦想很久她问我的问题之后虚弱地回一句“不知道”。和她比较，我成为了一个不学无术无所事事的女人。如果我自暴自弃，绝对是受到了她的刺激。

    最近我爱做两件事，一是宅，而是不切实际地幻想。宅是因为外面实在太热，我不想出去；幻想是因为我在宅。宅就要做宅的事。我幻想着辍学工作、结婚生子、周游世界，在幻想中alice变成了一个人见人爱的完美小少妇。我知道再过几年，当前程清晰如故时，我就没有幻想的资本了。

    夏天来了，我又要回到一天一顿的习惯。我记得五一的时候我又看了一遍closer，在此之前我看了午夜巴萨罗那。都是我喜欢的故事。虽然有人很鄙视everybody sleeps with everybody的格局，但是我偏偏痴迷于这种不明就里的纠缠。有时候时光滑过去，我们无知无觉，只有往事可以作为人生的分割线，让那些光阴的痕迹历历在目。也只有纠缠才可以给往事以繁密葱翠的养料。几十年后，我已经变成一个满脸褶子满头银丝的老妇人，在世界的某一个角落迎着相似的阳光，唤醒记忆里忽明忽暗的温柔，为那些逝去的爱人写下一封封绝望的情信。这似乎成了此生的意义。

    我就躺在宿舍的床上幻想，几乎要织出这一生纵横交错的地图。直到某一时刻饥饿感把我唤醒。有时候我会拿着红宝，从里面那些扯淡联想的字里行间思念你。睡着之前我会想，醒过来的时候我是不是就很老了，而这一切幻想都已经发生。

    从二十岁的一个梦中醒来的老婆婆。用这个意向结尾吧。

    我把背景乐换成了lily的littlest things:

sometimes I find myself
sittin' back and reminiscing
especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
and I remember
when you started callin' me your miss's
all the play fightin',
all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't know why I trusted you
but I knew that I could
we'd spend the whole weekend
lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy
in your boxers and your t-shirt
chorus
dreams, dreams
of when we had just started things
dreams of you and me
it seems, it seems
that I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.

the littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know it's not right, but it seems unfair
that the things are reminding me of you
sometimes I wish we could just pretend
even if for only one weekend
so come on, tell me
is this the end?
drinkin' tea in bed watching dvd's
when I discovered
all your dirty grotty magazines
you take me out shopping
and all we'd buy is trainers
as if we ever needed anything to entertain us
the first time
that you introduced me to your friends
and you could tell I was nervous,
so you held my hand
when I was feeling down,
you made that face you do
no one in the world that could replace you
chorus
dreams, dreams
of when we had just started things
dreams of me and you
it seems, it seems
that I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too
the littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know it's not right, but it seems unfair
that the things remind me of you
sometimes I wish we could just pretend
even if for only one weekend
so come on, tell me
is this the end?