Pain memories to me is like my 'mistress'..

You're not suppose to find her back again.. But you always did..

Whenever you feel down, temptations of going back to the her is strong..

She's somehow attractive.. yet deadly..

She will forever be calling you back to dwell..

'Only in me you will find comfort.. And only i can understand and pity your situation.. come to me...' she says.

The more you go back, the longer you stay..

I dare not carry him with my hands..

This is the 2nd time i tried but i can't hold him anymore..

I really hope in my heart that he is mine..

But reality is not always what you wish for..

Recently it starts to pain again..

Doctor may be my only cure but may not be my choice..

Why?

I don't wish to answer this..

Again as usual, many dramatic things happened in my life. weird huh? it's always through all these then i will realised some sense and come back to reality.. but all these experiences are painful.. either one can cost my life.. somtimes i do ask myself. how on earth did i get over all these nonsense? well... other than God's grace n mercy, it's my will to get over it... i only have 1 life.. if i end it, that's it. no more chances given, no more hope no more.. nothing.. many people will say, you only have 1 life to live, why not live it a good one? Easier than said... but it's true... this is a very important mindset a depressed person should have..

Well, after realising that i made grave mistakes, i tried my best to change.. it's real hard work but i just have to make myself do it.. people who say 'it's too hard.. i can't do it..' are real lazy people... i was one.. but i'm stopped being one.. hardworking people always make things come true... no matter what price they have to pay.. those are the ones who make miracles happen.. i wanna be one of them...

Maybe i can be considered as small as a dust in this whole earth, but there's always one thing i believe. no matter how small i am, God always sees me clearly..

I've now come to another turning point in my life.. but where is it turning to? i seriously have no idea...  things really changed quite alot... i do doubt the decisions i made because i don't know what's waiting for me in future.. will i bring myself to a dead end or will i bring myself to a brand new life.. nobody can say a word about it... only me.. what i decide now will affect my future.. i dont know if the people i need the most will still be around with me.. but i still hang on that minor hope and pray that they would.. i really hope that they would..

To the ones i loved the most & hurt the most:

Really sorry for all the things i've done that upsets you so much, but i really do cherish and love you alot. Please bear with me as i'm much more imperfect than normal people. *luvs*

It's getting more and more open and transparent... never for once have i ever revealed this so clearly to anyone.. this is the 1st time.. to be honest, i really fear so much till i would tremble. but i know this is the only chance to pour out every unwanted memories inside, once and for all get rid of everything and live a good life. sometimes i do doubt that what i revealed is it going to be a hidden secret forever. but no matter what my doubt is, i still trust them. i really do. that's why i look to them for help..

I know if i continue to be like this, i'm going to ruin my own life in my own hands. that's how scary it is.. but after what i went through yesterday, i can really see that this is getting so much harder than i thought.. so much pain and struggles yet i cannot breathe a word to anyone till next week i see them again..

I don't know how am i going to go through this whole week as i'm already having much problems with it.. other than keeping my eyes on God and meditating on His word, nothing else can keep me going.. which basically means, part of me had already quite given up but i'm pulling it back together..

I'm surprised that i have so much tears to flow out from within.. this is actually quite amazing..

I guess that's the reason why water is so important for women... 

What is Pent House?

I remember Pastor Joyce Meyer once said before that the pent house is the place at the highest.. and Repent is going back to the highest place... the normal pent house estates are always popular.. a beautiful open air space where you can lie down to relax and enjoy the weather and the wonderful stars at night...

Here, let me introduce my pent house to you.. it's a very beautiful place also, also open air but the surrounding is very different from the rest. the furnitures and flooring are all replaced with forgiveness, peace and love..  and let me introduce my room mate to you. his name is Holy Spirit. He's a pretty nice guy who lives at my pent house ever since i'm born. well, we've been room mates and best friend for like.. 21 yers!! 

But previously i somehow unplugged a wire in my head and started to get tired of him, angry with him and even left him.. for almost a year i've been ignoring this best friend of mine.. but he still stays there.. waiting for me.. calling me to come home..

I've been loitering around the 'low places' long enough...  i think it's time that i go back to the 'pent house' and meet my best room mate..

It's simply amazing just by watching how the nature works in this show name 'Planet Earth'.. oh my goodness...  it's definitely worth watching.. mountains, water, trees, sea, the whole earth, the sun and many many more... we human can only gasp with amazement and ask, 'how did all these happen? where does it come from?' but the most important question they would normally ask in their heart is, 'who's the creator of all these?'

Well, i know the answer! It's God. only my God is able to create such beautiful things that makes us human gasp with amazement..  to me, the thing i love most about what God created is rainbow.. His covenant between Him and us... rainbow dosen't show often.. people noramlly treats it as a mirale if they see one.. well, i saw long beautiful rainbows 3 days in a row.. to me, it means that 'I love you.' it means that He still loves me no matter what happens..

Is God faithful?

I give you my word and life, He is faithful..

www.bbc.co.uk/planetearth

Many things happened ths year.. hmm... how should i put it.. as u can see, or can even feel it, those are not anything good.. it seems like i'm coming to another season where i must change toroughly so that i can move up another level.. i struggled alot.. so much that i feel that i'm no longer the girl that i used to live with.. i became bad tempered, sensitive, negative and even unreasonable at times... i lose the smile on my face... n i lose the ability that to communicate well with people.. i just wanna hid and live in my own world..

I know things won't be any better if i continue to be transparent and .. watever it is.. i seeked help.. i took the risk to tell them what's exactly in my heart what i've gone thru last time.. i hope to change but i can't do it alone.. but.. it never crossed my mind that one of them will think that i'm the problem, selfish.. i'm very protective of myself cos i don't wanna get hurt again.. but by hearing it from someone u trusted and love so much, these words dosen't sound nice anymore.. n of course when i heard that, i cried.. i couldn't hold the tears.. free flow for a few hours.. i always thought that no matter what happened, i can be very honest with the person i trusted so much.. but i never thought that they would ever use it back at me..

I admit that i'm sensitive at times.. cos i'm brought up in that manner where everyone around me is a taker and not a giver.. i grew up with nothing except with pain and hatred as my best friends.. i questioned God many times why is it me who have to go thru all these.. no answer.. my life now is so messed up till i don't know how to tidy it except keep on praying though i felt so unwilling inside.. it's my only way out.. i have to do it.. n as for those who feel or thinks that i'm problematic or watever n u don't really like me,  u don't have to let me know by e way.. u're free to leave..

I know i just blog one up.. but i just wanna say more so bare with me..  i know not many know about my blog, so it's like i'm writing to myself.. but anyway, it dosen't matter... i like talking to myself.. cos i know i won't say things that irritates me.. keke..  

If this world is like a blog spot, u can simply erase and retype whatever u've said, that will be good.. anyway.. a few months ago i just get to know this great lady Genecia.. she's really nice and trust me, she's SUPER BEAUTIFULL.. haha... of course la... she's Miss Singapore lei... keke... but she so pretty!! oh man.. keke... u'll surely faint if u see her in person..

oh! why am i talking about her.. hmm... give me a second.. (short term memory..) oh ya! i just wanna say that she's a really a great teacher and friend.. teacher as in she trains men and women to go for pageant and manhunt.. n they're all winners ok... n she's a great friend to me.. i always thinks that she's a C.A.L. Caring.Accepting.Loving   i really kowtow to her for what she's doing man.. she's like .. everything! a business woman, trainer, therapist .... she knows how to scuba dive, yoga, dance and more... much more.. and now she's in bible school.. keke..

Anyway, if you wanna see how beautiful she is, see her in facebook then.. she's famous.. keke..