就知道自己不是从一而终的人

对我在网络上的房子也是如此。

不对某个对象从一而终，

是因为此对象不值得为其这样做

搬新家了，

其实期望再也不离开了。

屏幕那边是另一个世界。

在那个世界里，什么都可能发生。

不是说那里没有同一律没有矛盾律没有牛顿或爱因斯坦的理论描述的东西在起作用

而是这些律们对之不起作用的因素们有着更让人喜悦或悲伤或震惊或迷茫的组合

那些是偶然的因素。

而偶然需要解释和定义。

又一不小心滑落到哲学的迷海之中了。

但看电影的时候我用的不是概念推理，我只聆听。

聆听贯穿影片整过程的声音，奇妙的声音，

聆听人们心中的声音，那是呼喊。

爱情、亲情，和上帝的呼喊。

在那个世界中，呼喊是可以得到回应的。

于是我落泪。

那个世界，和这个世界，有关系么？

Daffodils 盛开了，黄色的花瓣，一束一束，

这情景在片中一闪而过

华兹华斯歌颂过，Ralph Fiennes听到了，他也开口回应

而我看到了，很自然地，被触动

我是这个世界的人，而电影是那个世界，这两个世界，就这么联系起来了，

没有痕迹，'as imperceptibly as grief'

而这个世界和那个世界之间的线在哪里？又是如何联结两者，如何被触动？

就像不知道究竟是什么东西让人感冒，只知道当我怎么做了，我会感冒。

于是，愚笨的我只会说，我什么都不知道，我只知道我理解，我爱。

胡言乱语了这么多，只是描述“August Rush”带给我的感受罢了。

Jonathan Rhys Meyers 比起在《天鹅绒金矿》少了许多美艳，变得沉静了,可我脑袋里总装着他和伊万麦克格雷格在一起的形象，那么出色。

而Freddie Highmore 一如既往地出色和可爱，他的气质，一直没变过。

我知道，一段时日过后，这部那么感动过我的片子就会在我脑海中消失，就像它从未出现过一样，

可是在讲堂看电影的那100分钟里面，我是那么真实地感动了，落泪了。

就像转瞬即逝的爱情。

痛心疾首！！Ruckus.com竟然从此关闭！！！这意味着我肆意下音乐听音乐泡在电脑前说是找资料其实找音乐的生活至此终结！！！痛心疾首啊痛心疾首！写篇博文当做祭奠吧！

青春期最初的难忘回忆是听Teri Jacks的Season in the Sun.歌曲开头贝斯弄的那么几下硬是敲开了我幼小心灵的大门——小学五年级，刚刚学会自己思考，这么个东西就闯进来了，从此便一发不可收拾，拉着老爸给我买MH以及各种磁带，拉着老爸教我英文为的就是听懂那些神奇的歌，拉着我周围的同学朋友拼命向他们灌输我接受的音乐类型……然后是中学，开始买CD了，总是期望周末，因为可以逛音像店买CD买打口。跟同学们瞎侃，总是痛心自己怎么找不到滚友，总是被周围同学打击——我这样柔弱文气乖乖女的外表实在难以同金属挂上勾，还总是自得其乐自我标榜……

当然现在已经早没了当初那种狂热，对金属的热爱已渐渐被古典音乐取代，纯金属已被我换成了哥特，更是学会了接触更多更丰富的音乐形式。现在想想，中学时代的我喜欢摇滚乐，其实多是欣赏他们的那种态度——真实，不做作，充满对生命的思考与激情，关注自身以及周围的世界，甚至是政治。至于音乐本身，确实真正喜欢过一些，但并非所有的音乐都喜欢——不管自己愿意承认与否，自己的耳朵早已成为十二平均律的奴隶了。一些实在太嘈杂觉得自己的耳膜无法忍受（清楚地记得听Guns&Roses时那种坚持不了30分钟就得停下来的感觉，以及Nirvana那张Bleach——不过奇怪的是听Nine Inch Nails 时却可以成小时地听了）。说是自己喜欢它们的歌词，然而我又能真正理解多少？尤其是Tori Amos，当时迷死她了，可是那些歌词……却是那么地扑朔迷离……

到了美国之后有更多的机会了解摇滚乐，很想知道美国人自己怎么看待自己的音乐。问了喜欢金属的Tim是否能听懂它们的歌词，他说自己才不在乎那种乱七八糟的歌词，听摇滚乐时喜欢的只是那种形式，那种气势。Kelly也有这样的观点。哈！原来真正的美国人是这么看待他们喜爱的摇滚乐的！这个和我当初的初衷完全不同。惊诧过，失望过，也重新思考过。生长在20世纪后期的我所喜爱的那种70，80s 的摇滚乐，U2， Pink Floyd，the the，Smashing Pumpkins…不能不说是真实得透亮的。如果说现在的摇滚乐有了什么变化，那便是对社会的关注少了些，对个体的纵欲多了些——想到跟Tim姐弟三个一块儿去听了Killswitch Engage的音乐会，吃惊地看到了吉他手背后背的女性充气娃娃，听到他如何评论Female Asshole。摇滚，已成纯粹的标榜。可以说，摇滚乐就像一种艺术上的画风。莫奈的画很好，有名，是因为他的画风在艺术史上开创了一个新的篇章，可是，他的模仿者们也许在形式上可以与之媲美，但远远不如他有价值。现在的摇滚乐，与当时我所钟情的那种其实也就相当于后来者与莫奈的关系。所以，我保持欣赏的态度，但已不会奉之为圭臬。我再也不会对他们那种态度多加赞赏了。

又想到想到Pink Floyd的The Wall，几个月前温习过一次。不可否认这是真实的音乐，真诚不造作，MV的前身，只是现在这个听众，我，已不会像从前那样，将自己等同于其中的主人公，更不会欣赏主人公那种困惑、迷失、歇斯底里，甚至自虐的生活方式。Roger Waters以歌词、画面叙述自己的故事和想法，两者的配合简直是完美，震撼人心。然而我的态度变了。这是关键。

    好吧回到正题。祭奠我的Ruckus.com。感谢你曾经提供给我成批CD的下载，感谢你拿Mozart，Liszt，Bach，Caprice，Cocteau Twins, Nox Arcana，Danish Radio……滋养过我饥渴的心灵和耳朵，感谢你让我看到这么多美好的东西，感谢你让我知道我还爱着这世界，感谢你告诉我我今后的努力方向和人生目标。

Farewell

蜗居在宿舍一下午，偶然出门一下，回来发现自己的门前多了一大束花。好奇之中把花捧进宿舍，意外地发现收花人是一个陌生的名字，问了楼长阿姨才知道，我宿舍以前住过一个美女姐姐，我搬进来的那年她毕了业，可是这个送花的追求者不相信她已离开，依旧每年的这个时候都会送一束花在门口……

     阿姨说这个人不太正常，我自己也接到过不少找一个陌生的名字的骚扰电话，甚至连电话线都拔了，可是面对这一把憔悴的百合，竟心生怜惜了。送花人也知道花已凌乱不堪，为此道了谦，但是仍是送来了。于是把它们整理一下，插进玻璃瓶里。

     开始幻想这个故事中的男女主人公，当初是如何地相识，男主人公是如何地被爱情撞到脑袋，然后迷糊，一直到现在都没有清醒过来，也许永远都醒不过来了，而女主人公呢，离开了，没有不幸，因为心中没有爱是感觉不到痛苦的，她只是转身而去，把自己的身影与气息留于风中……故事结束了，只是又多了我这一个听众。

     两三年了，时间久得，也许可以冲淡一切了，今天吃饭时偶遇的一人让我感到其实一年都用不了。没有太多的话可以说。就这样吧！看这束憔悴的百合，听我的Ataraxia……

当清晨的第一缕阳光照进来的时候，我的新年是伴随着Mozart的Concerto for Flute and Harp K.299 开始的。记得莱斯利·霍华德在一部片子里的一句台词：“Wars come and wars go, but art stays forever.”我的生活，就如这萦绕于我小小宿舍的动人的音乐一般（Well, at least I hope so.），在暖暖的床铺上，在明亮的地板上，在窗台兰花叶子优雅的懒腰里，在暖气片上缓缓升腾的热气中，在窗外树枝在风中慵懒的摇摆中，在去早早上自习的好孩子们车轮的旋转中，在我睡衣的红格子里，在桌上台历的我的笑靥中，在从窗缝偷偷溜进来的干冷的空气里……微微震颤着滑滚的音符。多么明净，多么让人愉快呀！即便是桌上的《荷尔德林文集》，向我摆出一副“快过来写论文！”的姿态，我也对它笑一笑，开始把思想集中在那些个“原初分割”、“自我意识的对立”的艰涩的概念上——论文总是对人智力、体力和耐心的考验，可是面对这次的荷尔德林，我的心却没有丝毫的不快。时间之神沙登蹬着车子过来了，瞧他真的过来了！

接到朋友的越洋电话，心中泛起的一丝感慨被随后而至的喜悦驱赶跑了。可爱的小J来了，然后是前天才见过的小Q。同朋友吃完午饭，高高兴兴地踏着清脆的空气来到未名湖溜冰。真是过节呢，湖上挤满了人。借不到冰鞋，到湖上走一走也是很不错的呀！这片在温暖的季节里无法触及的空间，如今也向我们敞开了。我们一行三人，一边走一边啃着糖葫芦，由衷地欢笑着、欢笑着……我们的小J，希望她在这次愉快的散步中可以得到真正的安慰吧！今天的北大校园，人还是一如既往地多，而那种一贯的紧张节奏却感觉不到了。校园也和我们一样，有着生命和呼吸，谁说不是呢？

斗争始于下午四点——我是继续我的荷尔德林论文呢还是看维也纳新年音乐会呢？……两周内要完成四篇论文！哪个好孩子不会先认真完成作业呢？可是，最后还是维也纳新年音乐会胜出！一年就这么一次呀！心灵在美妙的音乐中可以轻快地舞蹈——为什么不呢？当J.Strau. - M.rchen aus dem Orient. Walzer, op.444 （东方童话圆舞曲）响起来的时候，我就知道自己做出了正确的选择了。在这样美妙的音乐声中，微笑，不知不觉地浮现在心上、脸上……as if my life will go on like this, for ever~

从来没有像今年这样期盼、欢喜新的一年的到来。也许是自己在这逝去的一年中有着太多不愿提及的回忆吧。可是每一年似乎都一样，有欢乐、也有悲伤，不会像今年冬天的北京天气，每一天，总是阳光明媚。面对这一切，我该说什么呢？

Once again a year has passed, heavenly Father! We thank you that it was added to the time of grace and that we are not terrified by its also being added to the time of accounting, because we trust in your mercy. The new year faces us with its requirements, and even though we enter it downcast and troubled because we cannot and do not wish to hide from ourselves the thought of the lust of the eye that infatuated, the sweetness of revenge that seduced, the anger that made us unrelenting, the cold heart that fled far from you, we nevertheless do not go into the new year entirely empty-handed, since we shall indeed also take along with us recollections of the fearful doubts that were set at rest, of the lurking concerns that were soothed, of the downcast disposition that was raised up, of the cheerful hope that was not humiliated. Yes, when in mournful moments we want to strengthen and encourage our minds by contemplating those great men, your chosen instruments, who in severe spiritual trials and anxieties of heart kept their minds free, their courage uncrushed, and heaven open, we, too, wish to add our witness to theirs in the assurance that even if our courage compared with theirs is only discouragement, our power powerlessness, you, however, are still the same, the same mighty God who tests spirits in conflict, the same Father without whose will not one sparrow falls to the ground. Amen.

                                                               -----Kierkegaard

献给我第一次在淘宝上买东西成功：

       说起来挺害臊，直到大四的时候（或者更准确说是研一）我还为自己一个人不会套被子而哭过鼻子，为自己无法处理电脑中毒事件伤心欲绝，甚至会因为一个人出门不知道该怎么面对环境的陌生而手足无措……可是现在，我竟然能够一个人处理以前想都不敢想的网上购物了！

       Well, 其实这也不是第一次了，在美国的时候我在网上买了多少东西啊！甚至订机票、订火车票，都是自己弄好的，当然在美国不需要套被子不需要处理电脑中毒不会有一个人出门的机会，可是这可是在中国的淘宝啊！一个这么复杂的程序！竟然都被我玩儿会了！在大多数人看来简直是可笑，可是对我，意义重大。

       从小到大，总是习惯了依赖他人，小时候，依赖爸爸妈妈、朋友，而且要做的事情也没有那么多，现在身边的人越来越少了，事情却越来越多了，自己竟然就这样，一点点锻炼出来了。我会把宿舍整理得干净整洁、会自己弄点简单的小食物、会上网查各种资料、会很快地打字（想起我本科四年论文几乎从来没有自己打过……）、会与各种各样的人交往……有时爸爸妈妈也会说，我们家孩子真的长大了。

       在两年前，我有想到两年后的自己是现在这种状况么？没有。所以，现在，我能预想我两年后会是什么样子么？哈！Oh my life, is changing everyday, in every possible way~~~~我真的很好奇：）

自由地成长吧！小杰尔达！等见到小凯依的时候要把这如许多的故事告诉他……

 十四行：读《<杜伊若哀歌>中的天使》插图

             ——“致奥尔弗斯的十四行诗”，Ⅰ，23

灵化的姑娘！像我女儿，阿斯——

她也像你，望着远方沉思。

花圃芳菲漫溢：她在想什么？

石栏上鸽子一次次欲语。

这时刻壮年人知道赞美，

庭院因你美丽得几不真实！

你来为大地被给予童话，

人子值背上十字。

你的书册已消去父辈的悲戚，

希腊、希伯来光耀荣临，

理性、激情因你的纯真融汇一体。

哦，鸽子幸福飞去。

并非“为了自身的缘故”，

少女在汲水的井旁婷婷伫立。

2006．11．25

We, as second hand followers of Jesus Christ, live in different period from Christ and cannot witness the historical events of Christ’s birth, activities, death, or resurrection, however, we can still have genuine Christian belief no less than the people lived in the same period as Christ did. For the author of Philosophical Fragments—Johannes Climacus, that’s because the historical knowledge is not essential to genuine Christian faith. In this essay, I’d like to explain why, for Johannes Climacus, the people who lived in the same period as Christ were not necessarily “contemporaries” of Christ, and the second hand followers can still be genuine Christians although they don’t have immediate eyewitness of Christ. By making this comparison I hope to give an account of what the genuine Christian faith should be like.

First of all, Johannes Climacus told us that the teaching of Christ is different from Socratic knowledge. What we can get from Socratic questioning is the things that are already in us—our souls bear all the knowledge that we forget, so we just need to make them appear to our consciousness by way of recollection, therefore the moment of learning is of no significance, nor do we owe anything to Socrates. “The person who understands Socrates best understands specifically that he owes Socrates nothing.” (p61) However, since the whole structure that we are assuming now is not Socratic but the opposite, the followers owe the teacher everything, for if the moment of learning is not inconsequential, then the learner is actually passing through complete ignorance to understanding. The things that the learner got from the teacher were completely outside of him/her; to get the knowledge, the learner needs to accept something that comes from the teacher that is only made possible by the teacher. The object of the Christ’s teaching is not just some words, or sound, or appearance, rather, it is the God Himself. “The god’s (We can understand it as the Christian God.) presence is not incidental to his teaching but is essential. The presence of the god in human form—indeed, in the lowly form of the servant—is precisely the teaching, and the god himself must provide the condition.” (Pp55-56) The moment of God’s incarnation becomes crucial, and it is the object of the teaching and is the teaching itself. God has to be eternal in order to give the learners the condition to be saved, but God also needs to take on the form of human beings in order for them to possess the knowledge. Therefore, the moment of incarnation, the object of Christ’s teaching is actually a paradox, for by one’s intelligibility, rationality one can never understand how the eternal can enter into the temporal by means of incarnation.

As for the learners, the moment of accepting this paradox is the moment they enter into the life of eternity. This moment happens when “the understanding and the paradox happily encounter each other in the moment, when the understanding steps aside and the paradox gives itself….” (p59). By reason we cannot understand the paradox, so in front of the paradox our reason stops. The learner’s awareness of this inability of reason at this point is one of the conditions of the moment of the learner’s accepting the paradox and entering into the eternal. When reason ceases to work, passion is required for us to get the moment, and it is just what the paradox provides. For Johannes Climacus, the passion is faith (p59).  The same case can be applied to both the first hand followers and the second hand followers of Jesus Christ.

According to the above standard, Johannes Climacus makes a distinction between the genuine contemporary of Christ and the immediate contemporary of Christ. The people who lived in the same period with Jesus, who got the chance to look at his appearance, listen to his talk, were not necessarily genuine followers of Christ. Though they had first hand historical knowledge of Christ, they had experience for the event happened on Jesus, these are just knowledge within the scope of one’s reason; as long as they don’t have the moment of embracing the paradox by passion, they are not followers of Christ. These are the people what Johannes says only have “immediate contemporaneity” with Christ but not contemporaries of Christ, for they only have objective historical knowledge of Christ but not possess the Christ Himself—only the people who has the passion to accept the paradox possess the Christ Himself, for Christ is the paradox Himself. People who really have the paradox are the contemporaries of Christ, whether they live in the same period as Christ or not.

The same standard can be applied to the second hand followers. The first generation of second followers has the similar situation with the first hand followers. They are close to immediate certainty, but if they devout their life on the investigation of the objective knowledge of Christ, fail to have the awareness that Christ Himself is a complete paradox which cannot be grasped via reason alone, they are not genuine Christians. The latest generation is worse. They accept baptism when they were born, and consider Christianity as their second nature, but infant baptism is by no means the correct way through which they can get the genuine faith. Christianity is not something that is inherent in us so that we can get it by simply “recollection” in the Socratic sense. Human beings’ first nature, the nature that which human beings are born with, has decided that human beings cannot get faith and eternity by themselves. Christianity is external to us, that is why the teacher is so important. We have to have the awareness and the passion to accept it when we can really think this through. An infant has neither the awareness nor the passion, so a person can not become genuine Christians only by means of infant baptism.

Historical truth of Christianity is by no means the truth of Christianity itself, nor can human beings get the truth of Christianity by possessing the history truth alone. Historical truth or the contemporary’s report is only “the occasion for the one who comes later, just as immediate contemporaneity is the occasion for the contemporary.” (P 104) If we only consider the truth of Christianity as a history truth then we can never get it, for the past can never be completely grasped, the future is beyond the reach of human beings either. Genuine Christian faith is not the objective knowledge inherited from the immediate contemporaries of Jesus Christ, rather, it is the subjective knowledge that we get by means of the direct communion with God. It is our awareness of the paradox of Christian faith and our passion that decide the authenticity of faith; reason has no decisive importance in Christian faith.

能享受H.Purcell, Mozart, Beethoven, 以及现在围绕在我耳边的The Abbey School Choir是一回事，做音乐测试得出个很郁闷的结果是另一回事。好吧我承认全国最顶级的音乐高材生只能达到17，18分，而我又没有接受过专业训练，并且于23：58分开始做的这个测试，可是11分这个成绩还是让偶无比郁闷滴！不就是辨认音高、音色、节奏、各种乐器在不同乐曲章节有什么不同，还有那该死的鼓点（像极了《十面埋伏》听鼓点的那一幕）么？没想到能如此这般地难倒我啊！呜呜呜……如果我是个主攻音乐专业的，说不定会好很多吧！（自我安慰一下~~~）

 测试地址：http://www.douban.com/online/10015304/ 

        08年感恩节这天，烧得浑身酸痛躺在床上，睡觉也很无趣，想到去年同一时候在Peggy妹妹家跟他们一大家子人吃感恩节晚餐，7个小孩在身边吵吵闹闹，特别是那个2岁的Monica，喊着破碎的英语，4岁的Martha总是充当着她的翻译——当然是对我这个外国人，可爱而奇怪的Philip——虽然对他的记忆主要停留在圣诞节了，与Peggy们一同前去的美丽的Pennsylvania的Pittsburg……蜷在被子里，怀念着、顿觉生命发生了断裂。

发烧前一天还给C.J.发了问候，这个可爱的真诚的孩子，告诉我他遇上了existential and philosophical struggles……惊讶于他的坦诚。如果是自己，应该不会随随便便告诉别人自己正在经历struggles吧！习惯了伪装，竟质疑起真诚，这颠倒只不过是冰山一角罢了。在美国时身边的那些孩子，他们灿烂的笑脸，如何能不让人羡慕、和欣喜。

仍是无趣。把本本搬到床上，用我的小猪给自己做了一个舒服的姿势，欣赏起《开罗的紫玫瑰》。一直喜欢伍迪埃伦，总觉得这个相貌平平的小个子男人的才华与他的外貌太不相称了。一如萨特。如果可以生活在银屏那边的世界，赛西莉亚该是多么幸福，可是她不选择那是因为那不真实么？可是，什么是真实？我们应该选择怎样的真实？Poor Cecilia！要知道reality will always let you down. Choose Tom! He is perfect! The sole perfectness you can find in your life!可是她退却了。她选错了人。选择了现实——带着真诚的表象！

I couldn't think about more about this.

All right. Let me paste a picture for the sake of the reminiscence of my last Thanksgiving！