心里有点堵，一直在等他的信息。

我不想承认，我一直做事，但不开心。

他就像是毒药，如果不一直喝就会死掉，但喝的结果，也是死掉。

如果他没有进入我的生活，我会轻蔑地对他一带而过

幼稚、虚荣，关键是不爱我。

最后一条，我反复说服自己，

但有时候会自大地认为不是这样的

就在他给我信息的时候

人真的很脆弱，就是这么简单

脆弱就一定要找一个人来依靠吗？

爱情到底是什么，或许就是依靠吧

但他连让我依靠都做不到

我又在留恋什么。

是初恋那种感觉吧

他给我的

那一刻好开心，好充实。

牵着他的手，

虽然是短暂的

有一个人可以依靠

就是这种快乐到不行的感觉

但烦恼随之而来

所以分开了

但是快乐毕竟是快乐

分手的悲伤不能抹杀

也永远不能取代。

他想要的，我不能给

为什么他不能善良一点

让我知道彼此相爱

这对我来说就够了

但是他想要的

不是爱

是关系

Right now actually i don't feel like writing anything. I won the competition, went on to the study tour, made some friends and reallly learned a lot. I am really really happy about myself and about this experience though looking back it's such a tough road leading to who i am now.

Talking of him, i think i am fine now, really. Even though i thought of him a little bit like yesterday or the day before yesterday when i was really lonely. Sometimes i even despised him a little bit because he is sort of naive and immature. The jokes, the acts and the thoughts. I think after seeing someone far better, after the change of my expectation about myself, i let go of him. This time, no nostalgia, no looking back, maybe just some memory about the past, but simply I will move on!

上帝是眷顾我的吗？我总觉得周围有太多的宠儿，自己有太多的不如意。听陈绮贞的歌，很羡慕她小小的幸福，但是幸福不是我的。心里有苦苦的感觉，因为确定自己是爱他的，因为确定自己爱错了人。

那种感觉再次袭来，有些事情，我做不到，别人能做，有些事情，仿佛注定我做不了，但是，什么又是我能做的呢？一些没有事实根据的评价，使我失去了方向。为什么一颗善良的心，还是会伤害人，还是不懂得如何与人相处？

我确实不够坚强，有太多的借口让我不要坚强，有太多的诱惑阻止我坚强。但是别人总是认为我很坚强，这让我觉得很好笑~~出去走走吧~~~还是继续没有完成的事情~~~~真的很矛盾~~~~~别这样，要珍惜现在的机会，真的，好好做，不是每个人都有这样的机会~~~~~这是上帝给你的那一份眷顾~~~所以要珍惜~~~~~

爱一个人，要对他好，即使他不再爱你，也要对他好~~~没有任何企图地对他好~~~很单纯地想对他好~~~这样自己会很温暖，这样自己不会孤单~~~让他快乐~~~他不够快乐~~~所以让他快乐吧~~~~

但是我好像没有机会对他好~~他从来不给我机会对他好~~~我们的关系仅仅是那样~~~~我不想再改变了~~~~我是爱他的，我确

I am happy that I made clear of something today. Who should be my friend and who shouldn't be.

I am happy that i called both of them so that i can make this conclusion from comparison. For one, we felt it hard to carry on the conversation and i felt depressed when hung up the phone.But for the other, we laughed throughout our conversation and i think she is my friend.

I also googled some of the winners of the contest to see what their lives look like after the competition. Then i found that it's only an oral English competition, that's all, nothing special, something not even worth mentioning. Life will go on, that's it. So why have pressure!!!

Just try your best, and be yourself.

That something between us has been what drives me on as well as what drives me crazy for a long time, that little fantacy which was given by him or mistakenly regarded in that way by myself. I like the way he looks at me or the way to read into his eyes which captures my whole emotional world and imagination. This morning i came across a sentence saying that teen years are the most emotionall fraught yet magical years. This comment to some extent cheers me a little bit since it gives me the feeling that i am not the only one who is suffering at this moment.

Anyway, i think i am kind of getting stuck in my life. For one thing, i miss him, i think of him when i am not with him. I couldn't help wondering whether he is looking at me or not, whether he likes or used to like me or not. When he was indeed looking at me as the way i hoped, i felt thrilled yet perplexed. Because a part of me is afraid of going any further, afraid of repeating the mistake i

I am not satisfied with my performance today. Why there is no progress, i wonder.

I think i was busy everyday for the past two years, but still I learned nothing.

I am so into following the rules that when it's time to leave, there is nothing to remember about.

I will keep practising. At least, finding out the solution, or any efforts in this regard will be what i can rely on in the future. I think i've got the sense of right direction. I appreciate that, really. Don't read too much into what you are doing now. Things come and go, people come and go, nothing left but yourself.

Still i am thinking of him when writing this little diary. I wonder who will be the first one to find this deserted world of mine, where freedom flourishes and truth reveals. He is a good guy, a good friend. i appreciate that.He once said he would never change, at that time, i didn't know it's a promise he made to me, I am sorry i didn't know about that,but n

I was a little amazed by what i've wrote down before, but still got that vague sense of familiarity when reading them. Yes, those are the things i've experienced, which yet seem to me so far away that i just forgot i've had those time.

It's been a long time since i wrote down things on this blog last time. So much has happened,if not changed. But I am not who i was, that little girl who filled her life with complaint, dissatisfaction, arrogance and fantasy. I have to say, painfully i've grown up, if not fully and completely. That's why i decided to pick up what i've left, to give something for myself to look back later.

At this moment, i am supposed to be busy preparing my speech, which i will do later. But right at this moment, i just want to continue with where my thoughts want to go.I am so happy i finally find a place to write without that strange curioty of being judged. The speech contest is the thing that takes up most of my tim